fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3308 ]

[ SECRET POST #3308 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3308 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 065 secrets from Secret Submission Post #473.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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01. http://i.imgur.com/ObvQwni.png

Yeah, it sucks that people who probably need a friend the most are the least likely to get one, but you gotta put yourself first.

Yeah. Otherwise you stress yourself out.

what they need is a therapist, someone who is actually licensed and trained to help them deal with their problems.

Being a small-doses friend to creative people who have issues can be fun but requires skillful boundary management.

Man, that background image makes me wish that the beaches around here allowed horseback riding.

I know what you mean, OP. I did used to reach out to people like that, and I soon found out that it sapped my mental energies and made me feel even worse on days I myself wasn't doing so well. They deserved stronger friends than I was.

Friends are great to have and a great source of support, but what people like that need even more than a friend is a good therapist they click with. It sucks that not everyone has access to one, but that doesn't mean that friends should try to fill the void. As others have said, it just becomes a drain on the friend who's trying to do the supporting.

It's ok to step back, or not reach out, for the sake of your own mental health. It really is ok.

You're probably not the only one. It's sad, because they probably do need a friend, but it's true that from your point of view, it might be more trouble than it's worth.

I've just realized I rather my fandom friends don't notice any issues I might have otherwise I'd fill like I'm surrounded by shrinks in disguise. Friends are there to have fun together and maybe occasionaly bring some cold meds if you're sick or something.

You've got to look out for yourself, too. Mental illness is neither self-contained nor selective, it can and often will eat through any and all persons it finds access to, no matter how well-intentioned those persons may be. Yes, you can and should be supportive of a friend who's going through a tough spell. But it's fine to put the brakes on when the situation gets too much for you. Playing therapist can be a dangerous game for everyone involved.

I mean even if you ARE a therapist, I'm not sure taking on a friend as a client is a good idea.

It's not your responsibility but I can understand your feeling.

Mental illness can kind of fuck you over in that regard because really you NEED friends/people to cope, but if you're having a bad time of things you also aren't going to be a great friend to other people. Sometimes it can put you in a viscous cycle that makes it hard to get better.

Well, I hate to sound harsh, but friendship isn't something a person is entitled to, and sometimes people lack friends for a reason. The person you describe sounds like they'd be emotionally exhausting to be around. I'd bet you good money that they've already had friends who encouraged them and told them what they needed to hear (as opposed to what they wanted to hear) and they probably didn't appreciate it one bit.

You (and everyone else who holds back) are right to be wary. You can't force someone to be better person or heal them through the magic of friendship if they don't want to help themselves. If and when they decide to make an honest assessment of their lives and how they could change, they're probably going to be pretty lonely.

MTE. I've been that person who 'needed a friend' years back, and from a place of greater clarity I'm really thankful that most people had the common sense to stay the fuck away from me. For their own sakes obviously, but also for mine. The two or three people that did try to befriend me? - I wasn't grateful to them at all at the time, I always resented them for 'not doing enough'. I spent a lot of time being angry at them, feeling bad for being angry, then doing it all over again.

Maybe I would have been more depressed and desperate without them, on the other hand maybe I would've got my head out of my arse sooner and realised nobody could wave a magic wand and make things better for me, if I didn't have any well-meaning but ultimately ineffective friends around to blame my problems on.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-25 19:13 (UTC) - Expand

I just got out of a ten year friendship with someone like this and, hoo boy, is it so much better not taking responsibility for them anymore. Ten years and she didn't change one bit.

Don't feel bad about leaving them be, OP. You gotta take care of yourself first.

Ah, man, it's the worst feeling when you know someone is going through a difficult period but you don't have the mental reserves to give them the time and attention they need. It's important to be there for loved ones, but overdoing it to the point of making yourself miserable isn't the answer; you'll feel chipped away at until you've got nothing left to give and that is not a healthy road to go down.

So I understand that even if you want to help, sometimes you don't feel like you're in a good place for it, and that's okay. (Again, you have to think about yourself.) Even if you try to help, there's only so much you can do. (Not that being there isn't enough, it can be a big comfort, but when it gets down to it the issues that exist have to be dealt with by them.)

I don't even believe that anybody who is not trained to do this can fundamentally help someone, if it's not something like... lending resources, or distracting them from their pain.

we all have to get this emotional flouncing done ourselves and nobody else can ever really understand another person and figure their shit out for them.

Your description of that person reminds me of someone who was at the centre of an RP group I got into on Twitter. Things always felt like they were going from one drama to the next, not just the OOC, but the RP plots as well. It got to a point where I was almost too scared to do anything and frankly I was kinda relieved when the group collapsed and she got distracted by a different fandom and I could quietly wander off into what was, at the time, my sideline RP with Valandhir.

TL;DR - People like that can be stressful and you can get burnt out trying to be friends with them.

god, fandom seems to attract these types in droves

there's really no amount of being a good friend that will fix these people if they don't want to fix it themselves. I can't even count the number of nicely-worded advice speeches I'd given to a friend like this about -why- they didn't seem to keep friends and -why- no one seemed to like them and -how- they could be less abrasive and reconsider their approach, but they just don't fucking listen.

Sure are a lot of shitty non-friends in this thread.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to be friends with someone who demands a lot of emotional resources from the people around them. Nobody is entitled to have friends. Friendship is something you earn by being a good friend in return.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-25 20:57 (UTC) - Expand

Right? OP, it's possible they don't want to be your friend either. Have they reached out to you?

Just a thought.

**LOL just posted as non-anon. TRYING AGAIN.

As someone with a lot of mental health problems, OP comes off as a little condescending. I'm not a charity and I wouldn't want anyone trying to befriend me if they didn't have the resources to deal with me. But I don't see why leaving fandoms repeatedly should matter as long as nobody is being shitty or causing drama. Personally I wouldn't want a friendship based entirely on membership in a fandom/fandoms. Shows end, tastes change, etc.

I have friends who require more energy than I can give sometimes, and I make a deal with them to let them know when I'm out of resources and vice versa. If you *want* a friendship, and this person is reasonable, perhaps you could do the same? But don't offer friendship because you think somebody *needs* it.

"But I don't see why leaving fandoms repeatedly should matter as long as nobody is being shitty or causing drama."

The secret said this person is constantly flouncing, which is exactly the situation you referred to, i.e. leaving fandoms shittily, and with drama.

Late to the party but no:

"somebody, some people, to really listen to them, encourage them, and tell them what they want to hear."

What you're describing is an enabler, not a friend. Someone who is constantly ragequitting every time they hear shit they don't like doesn't need someone to encourage that behavior. What they need is therapy so they can cut that shit out.

Edited 2016-01-25 14:19 (UTC)

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2016-01-25 22:04 (UTC) - Expand

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