fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3420 ]

[ SECRET POST #3420 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3420 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Banana Fish]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 051 secrets from Secret Submission Post #489.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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I'm not telling the whole story. She's been inconsisent about taking her meds lately and has kinda been an emotional wreck because of it. We hung out with other friends yesterday and bawled like three times over thing that weren't a big deal to me, but I could understand that she was not in the best mental state and kinda made the whole day suck because of it. I've noticed I've been regretting spending time her more and want to complain about her even about super petty things which makes me feel like a shitty friend. And she's been supportive of me when I've had a rough patch so I don't wanna ditch her because things have been tough, but I don't think it'll be good in the long run if I continue being friends if things keep going this way.

And since she's in a shitty state and doesn't take any form of rejection well, I don't think talking things out will go well.

And she's in my primary friend group, so breaking it off would be a pain.

arghhhhhhhhhhh

Then don't break it off, just spend less time with her and only do it in group so you're not stuck alone with her.

No one on ones. Keep it to group activities so your friends focus isn't laser pointer at you. It both helps them be social with a lot of ppl while also letting you be less social and back off a bit for your own sanity.

Okay, that's way different from what I was picturing (and what I imagine a lot of people who commented were picturing).

I mean... is this just recently? You might want to give her time to get to a better place.

However, you also don't have to be her therapist. But give her time.

Have you addressed this frankly with her? As in giving her a heads up that she's been exhibiting some serious mood swings lately, and you think it might be a medication issue? Because it's one thing if she's going through a rough patch that will correct itself once she gets the necessary help, but if she's refusing to get help, that's a whole other issue altogether.

I have friends and family who suffer from various (and properly diagnosed, I should add) mental conditions. They have their ups and downs, but in general, they WANT to be responsible for their conditions and get the right medication, therapy, etc. because they DON'T want to be emotional wrecks. They know that their mental condition doesn't give them a free pass to act like a jerk, especially if they're refusing help. Which category does your friend fall into?

From someone who is pretty much not in a good mental state now:

It does sound rather hard and I hope this is not how my friends feel about me. That being said, I wouldn't want anyone to pretend to like me, either, so there's that.

Sometimes people don't take meds because the side effects are awful. Or because it's actually hard to take them consistently when no-one helping them.

It's just...if someone is really your friend, it seems like their mental well-being should be a priority over having "a fun day". Not that you're not entitled to just want to have fun - but, you have to ask yourself if this person was even your friend in the first place, or just someone you happened to know for 1O years.

I agree, and I'd also add.. would you feel this way if your friend was struggling with diabetes?

If diabetes is making someone unpleasant to be around on a consistent basis, then yes. I see what you're getting at here, but let's not forget to distinguish between the mental illness and the behavior that stems from it. People should have compassion and understanding about mental illness. That doesn't mean they have to put up with any and all negative behavior that might result from it.

You know, that's treading pretty close to saying "if someone's really your friend, you should prioritize their well-being over your own". Cutting someone off because they had a bad day and wound up tanking an outing once is possibly overreacting, depending on their behavior. Cutting someone off - or just paring back on interaction with them - because spending time with them is consistently unpleasant is reasonable and can be necessary for one's own mental health, regardless of the other person's reasons for being unpleasant company.

You know, that's treading pretty close to saying "if someone's really your friend, you should prioritize their well-being over your own.

No, it really isn't. Unless it was worded very badly (which I acknowledge is always a possibility in text), there is a world of difference between say "my friend's depression is impacting my mental health, too" and "I did not have fun at a party because my friend got weepy because of their mental health shit'. Thats not the same thing at all. Sure, you can go for a very no-strings definition of friendship, but most people would like them to have your back if you call themselves their friend for 10 years. Sooner or later bad things will happen in human lives. People lose their job. People lose their parents. People have miscarriages. People divorce. People have car accidents. And yes, people have mental health issues.

Generally, people sort of want their friends to be there at those moments, too. And no, those moments are not fun. But part of caring about someone is to also be there when its not sunshine and rainbows.

And no, you're not obligated to stick with people through that. But after 10 years? Yeah, I do think that's pretty shitty to do. I've known people exactly like that, and while I don't exactly hold a grudge...I do think less of them.

Cutting someone off because they had a bad day and wound up tanking an outing once is possibly overreacting, depending on their behavior. Cutting someone off - or just paring back on interaction with them - because spending time with them is consistently unpleasant is reasonable and can be necessary for one's own mental health, regardless of the other person's reasons for being unpleasant company.

It was specifically stated this was a recent development, after a friendship of 10 years. I find that context important. If it was a new friendship, and shit was troublesome from the beginning - I'd understand.

But if after 10 years you want to dump a person because it's not been fun for a few months - then hell yeah, I do think that says something about your personality, and the way you conduct your friendships.

You're absolutely free to do so - but I'm free to think you're a less-than-stellar friend.

Though I concede if you really do feel that way, its better to go your separate ways.

Edited 2016-05-15 22:46 (UTC)

No, it really isn't. Unless it was worded very badly (which I acknowledge is always a possibility in text), there is a world of difference between say "my friend's depression is impacting my mental health, too" and "I did not have fun at a party because my friend got weepy because of their mental health shit'. Thats not the same thing at all. Sure, you can go for a very no-strings definition of friendship, but most people would like them to have your back if you call themselves their friend for 10 years. Sooner or later bad things will happen in human lives. People lose their job. People lose their parents. People have miscarriages. People divorce. People have car accidents. And yes, people have mental health issues.

+1,000

This x a million. Friendships have rough patches; it's part of life, and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault, nor does it mean that things will always be that way.

When I had a rough mental health patch a few months ago, I found out who my true friends were. They stuck with me and told me they loved me and tried to cheer me up and get my mind off of what I was going through. And, sure enough, things are fine now and our friendships are back to what they were. Now, one of them is going through a rough time, and I'm making sure to stick by her the same way she did for me... because she's my friend. Throwing away years of friendship just because things aren't smooth sailing right now would be stupid and thoughtless.

Maybe breaking off the friendship is a little harsh? Especially if you've known each other for a long time and it would come as a shock. I made the mistake of doing that in a similar situation with a friend who'd been in our core group for a decade. It went... poorly and I really regret breaking it off so absolutely.

Maybe just take a break for now? You absolutely still need to take care of yourself first, but I think it's possible to get space from the negativity she brings into your life while not cutting her off entirely.

But really in the end, it's up to you. You gotta do what you gotta to do, just be prepared to accept the consequences of your choices.

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[ SECRET POST #3420 ]

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