fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3444 ]

[ SECRET POST #3444 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3444 ⌋

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Notes:

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I mean the cause itself is a good one. The fact that nobody ever seems to consider even the possibility that someone is bi is laughable at best, oppressive at worst. Real people, fictional characters, etc. I've dealt with this shit personally and it's awful.

But at the same time--it's okay for some things to be just gay or lesbian! It's okay for lesbians to describe things as "lesbian!" Stop running into the lesbians' blogs and communities yelling at them for not calling relationships "same sex" until everyone does their Official Lesbian Paperwork. Stop yelling at them when they get annoyed at you talking about your male partners in the forums! Stop policing identities, you're turning into bizarro gold stars. Let them have their own thing for once. This is like the one place in society where they don't have to deal with dicks in their faces and here's you angry when they talk about liking not having to deal with dicks. You're actually making this worse.

Edited 2016-06-08 23:20 (UTC)

"Stop yelling at them when they get annoyed at you talking about your male partners in the forums!"

If it's in a strictly lesbian forum, yes.

But if you're on a general LGBT forum, and you bitch because a bi person is talking about their opposite sex partner, you're an idiot. LGBT- Lesbian,Gay, Bisexual, Transgender. And the whole point of bisexuality is that you feel attracted to people of both sexes.

I think it's pretty clear from the rest of what she said that she means lesbian forums.

It's pretty clear you don't know what LG"B""T" forums are actually like. Or the rest of the community.

I shouldn't respond to this but I'm actually a little hurt, so if that was your goal, congrats I guess.

ugh.

I'm sorry. People get shitty about this stuff.

I'm not talking about bitching for mentioning stuff like that in passing, but I've seen "wlw" discussion where it turns into all about how awesome their male partners are and can you see why that would annoy somebody?

The whole point of bisexuality is that you feel attracted to people of both sexes, exactly. Except that I never felt scared holding a guy's hand in public and frankly I still get a little stressed out someone will do something when I hold a girl's. I was just as bi in both situations, but there's a hierarchy of needs here.

Edited 2016-06-08 23:26 (UTC)

I was just as bi in both situations, but there's a hierarchy of needs here.

This is a good point and something that's frustrated me in conversations with other bisexual people.

The fact that I'm in a relationship with a man, and that when I go out with him I'm assumed to be straight, does in fact afford me a certain degree of privilege. It doesn't mean that I'm privileged in all respects or in all contexts, but in that specific situation, I absolutely have a social advantage, as a bi woman, over a lesbian woman.

There seems to be a lack of willingness to acknowledge that and to grasp that there is actually some nuance to this stuff.

Nine times out of ten, the "straight passing privilege" advocate will go on to deny the realities of mental health problems and intimate partner violence faced by bisexual people. It's not a healthy environment for a nuanced discussion of what actually happens in the closet right now.

(Often this reminds me so much of college smokers, "Yeah, I've been smoking since high school and haven't caught a cold. Maybe those warnings are overblown.")

Re: "Bisexual Erasure"

a_potato - 2016-06-09 01:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "Bisexual Erasure"

(Anonymous) - 2016-06-09 02:00 (UTC) - Expand

The fact that I'm in a relationship with a man, and that when I go out with him I'm assumed to be straight, does in fact afford me a certain degree of privilege.

I've never understood this argument. If you go out with a person of the same sex, people often just assume you're friends or roommates, not necessarily that you're gay lovers. In that way you could say everyone has straight passing privilege, until they do or say something that is marked by society as exclusively homo/bi/pan.

Edited 2016-06-09 02:09 (UTC)

Re: "Bisexual Erasure"

a_potato - 2016-06-09 02:11 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "Bisexual Erasure"

blitzwing - 2016-06-09 02:18 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "Bisexual Erasure"

a_potato - 2016-06-09 02:38 (UTC) - Expand

"Stop policing identities, you're turning into bizarro gold stars."

This is the part that really gets to me. I hate when they act like any woman who has ever dated a man must be called bisexual. There are plenty of lesbians who have dated men. It's often part of being in the closet. I hate when people are trying to correct others while denying the realities of being LGB.

Or just part of figuring out who you are.

I dated guys through my first two years of college because at that time, in the environment I was raised in, girls grew up and fell in love with guys and got married. That was the narrative. No one really talked about sexual desire except in vague, clinical terms in sex ed, so - love is like liking, right? I liked my guy friends fine, so clearly there was no reason to say no when they asked me out, and if I was put off when they kissed me, and still put off when I slept with them, that was something wrong with me, right?

Realizing that my disinterest in guys, and my very definite interest in women, was something that other people felt too was a fucking life-changing revelation. The fact that I was sheltered growing up in ye olde pre-internet days and did the "normal" thing because that's just what you did doesn't make me any less a big ol' lesbian.

It goes in the opposite direction, as well. I've seen straight women who have dated or fooled around with women get told that they're bisexual.

Only seems to be applied to women, though. Men who fool around with other men tend to be told that they're gay, straight up. Implies some interesting things about how we view femininity, masculinity, and sexuality.

I haven't seen that much since most of what I've seen is annoying fights where lesbians and bisexual women squabble over who characters and even real people in history belong to. But that is a problem too. Sometimes straight people need to take some time to figure themselves out too and there's nothing wrong with that.

"Lesbian" as an adjective to describe a relationship between women, regardless of their individual identities, is fine. What annoys us is when the women themselves are described as lesbians even if either of them is bi or unknown. And that's the only time I've seen anyone get mad about it.

Yes, "I haven't seen the other situation so it doesn't happen!" is exactly what I'm saying... yeah no, I'm not, but if it happened enough to be more than an exception not worth whining about, I would have seen it.

Honestly we might just float around in different circles. I've seen people angry about even using the adjective.

or unknown

See, I guess this is part of it. Why the hell can't I let someone be excited about a thing? I have to run in and say HEY SHE MIGHT BE BI! I know you're an oppressed sexual minority but so am I focus on me and not you now

Like if we find out she's bi and they KEEP calling her a lesbian then I get angry, but before? Please let them be hyped about the cute girl in plaid okay

Edited 2016-06-08 23:36 (UTC)

I have a friend who writes books where the main relationship is between a lesbian and a bisexual woman. She learned early on never to call it a lesbian relationship when promoting the books if she didn't want to be yelled at.

This, thank you. Being in a gay relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay any more than being in a straight relationship necessarily means that you're straight. It just means that you're in a gay/straight relationship, and as a bi person myself, it really annoys me when people jump to conclusions about someone's sexuality just because of who they're dating.

Erasure:
J. Michael Bailey
The lack of research on PrEP for MSMW and their partners
TV shows that stay ambiguous about character sexuality for multiple seasons
"Lesbian Until Graduation"
standard models of sexual development
failing to address bisexual people as distinct populations in multiple research studies

Not Erasure:
headcanons

I feel like, in some ways, in highlighting ways lesbians can be biphobic (which I definitely think is a problem and I am glad it is being addressed!!), there has been a pushback in anyone pointing out ways that bisexual women can be homophobic against lesbians.

But bisexual women only became homophobic against lesbians as a pushback against lesbian biphobia...

I hate that I can't tell if this is sarcasm

Not sure if troll or just ignorant.

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