fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3455 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3455 ⌋

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Notes:

Early because places to go!

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So, I love my mom. She's not a bad person and I don't want to cut off contact with her (which it seems like is the advice anytime someone has any sort of issue with someone else) but sometimes dealing with her can be really frustrating.

She was raised by an incredibly conservative, "traditional" Catholic family. Because of this, she still has a lot of...less enlightened views. I don't think she actually hates anyone, but she does buy into a lot of racial stereotypes, and although (she says) she's okay with gay people (though she sometimes makes some pretty ignorant comments about them, too), she's super judgmental when it comes to any orientations beyond gay or straight, any type of relationship that doesn't fit the "two person exclusive romantic and sexual relationship" mode, anything beyond strictly enforced "traditional" gender roles (men are supposed to be "tough" alpha males [i.e., sexist assholes] or they're not "real men", women are delicate little flowers who need to be protected, etc.) and it's just really difficult to deal with at times. (Especially since I'm not straight and don't want a traditional relationship myself, so I can't help but take it personally.) Thank god my dad is significantly more open-minded and liberal, or I think I'd lose my mind.

She and I frequently clash over these topics, and I don't know how to keep it from happening. My dad and I have talked about it a lot, and he said that the things she says/believes bother him, too, but he keeps his mouth shut when she says them because it's not worth arguing over. And on the one hand, I totally see where he's coming from. I would like us to argue a lot less than we do, but at the same time, I find it really hard not to challenge her when she says something that's ignorant or bigoted and I feel like she NEEDS to be challenged on those issues. She can't handle it, though (which is probably why my dad finally gave up) and always reverts back to the "first amendment" argument that a lot of people like to use ("I can say whatever I want, so you can't say anything against it!" when free speech goes both ways; yes, she can have her opinion, and I'm allowed to think her opinion is narrow-minded and not very nice). That and the "well, I was just kidding, you're too sensitive and can't take a joke" excuse that people go to when they refuse to take responsiblity for the assholish thing they've said. She's also one of those "if you don't like the things I like, there's something wrong with you" people who refuse to accept that other people are different than her. In her mind, if you disagree with her you're wrong.

This has going on for so long, and I just don't know how to handle it anymore at this point. I don't think she has bad intentions (or at least I hope she doesn't), but it can be really hard to be around. I'm from the "you do you" millenial generation where pretty much everyone I know thinks that basically as long as you don't hurt anyone else, do whatever makes you happy, and that's always been my mindset, so sometimes I wonder if maybe it's a generational thing and we'll never really see eye to eye, but then I realize my dad is completely different than her, so...I don't know.

Anyway, I feel like I've said everything relevant to the situation and am starting to repeat myself, so...has anyone else dealt with relatives like this? How do you handle it?

Well see... you think she needs to be challenged on this ideas, but you've already tried that. How's it working out for you? My guess is "not well", because here you are, wondering if there's a different tactic you can take. There is, but you may not like it: recognize that you can't force people to change their minds, even if their opinions are shitty and horrible. You just can't control other peoples' behavior. You can't.

What you can do is control your own. The most effective approach I've seen in situations like yours is that people refuse to engage. Don't argue. You can disagree, and you can say so, of course. "You know I disagree", or "You know I don't feel that way and I think it's rude", etc. Then REFUSE TO DISCUSS IT FURTHER. Do not argue about how right your opinions are or how wrong your mother's opinions are, because as you already know, that doesn't work.

Are you out to your mother? One tactic you can use is to say, "I find that very hurtful" and then LEAVE. Don't flounce, don't make a big melodramatic thing out of it. Just leave. Make it clear that your mother saying nasty things about gay people is hurtful to you, and that you cannot be around her if she's going to talk like that. Practice saying, "I have to go now, Mom. Love you, bye!" while walking out the door and say it over and over again. Affirm that you love her, but that you won't stick around to hear her shitty opinions, and then do this EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

I can't emphasize how important consistency is here. You're teaching your mother that there's a price for voicing ugly, hurtful things, and the price is your presence. Not your love! Your presence. She can exercise her first amendment rights on her own, they don't entitle her to a captive audience. If she's willing to play nice, her reward is her presence and a stronger relationship with her child.

This is a good post and you should feel good. This is the mature, adult way to handle being at odds with people that you disagree with.

There are some things in this life which you cannot change and must simply accept as reality. I'm not saying that your mothers' attitudes are in that category, but it certainly seems as though your current approach is not going to change anything.

So at that point, you have a decision to make: can you find a balance where you don't feel the need to challenge her on anything, or is it just something that you feel strongly enough where dealing with your mother isn't worth it? That's the question. And I don't think either of those is a right or wrong answer. It's a decision only you can make. And there are ways to approach being around her without challenging her so much - refusing to engage, making more gentle criticisms, etc. But at the end of the day, I think it really does come down to a decision.

[ SECRET POST #3455 ]

How do you deal with less open-minded family members?

Re: How do you deal with less open-minded family members?

Re: How do you deal with less open-minded family members?

Re: How do you deal with less open-minded family members?