fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3504 ]

[ SECRET POST #3504 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3504 ⌋

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Mine below

I've never been in a romantic relationship before, this is my first actual face to face one.

Is it normal for plans you set up to frequently fall out and only find out later that something came up for him. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stood up, and getting frustrated. Especially when he says he misses me. "well how about you ACTUALLY SHOW UP WHEN WE MAKE PLANS!"

But I don't want to break anyone's heart or let anyone down. I feel bad being the one to break up. It makes me feel like a fool when I tell my roomie "hey I'm going out tonight" only for the guy to not show.

I've been in a relationship before where plans fell apart lot (we both had a lot of serious family stuff going on at the time that took precedence) but we never actually stood each other up, so that's pretty rude of him. If you're going to cancel a date, there's generally no reason you can't do so before the other person leaves their house to go to the arranged meeting place (obviously there are some exceptions to this like if someone's car breaks down or something but I'm guessing this isn't the case here).

Have you tried talking to him about it and telling him that your feelings have been hurt because he keeps standing you up and that you feel like he isn't taking your relationship seriously?

I guess I should talk about it. I'm too forgiving and accepting when he says he apologizes. I just got out of a relationship (long distance the entire time we never met face to face. I guess I should have mentioned that. I'm not sure whether it constitutes as one or not. My parents say it doesn't???) where someone just cold cut contact after being gone a lot.

I can't help blaming myself and worrying if it was me who drove him away by trying to contact him too much. And I don't want to drive someone else away.

I'm doing my best to be a good girlfriend but keep feeling let down.

ayrt

I'm doing my best to be a good girlfriend but keep feeling let down

Well, it sounds like he's not trying his best to be a good boyfriend, and I think you should definitely address that with him. Relationships are a two way street, and if you're the only one putting any effort into this relationship then it's only going to get worse. I know there's a lot of internal and external pressure on a lot of people to be in a romantic relationship, but being single is a million times better than being with someone who constantly blows you off and doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

I'm not trying to sound like I think your relationship is a lost cause; I think it's possible that you could talk things out with your boyfriend and improve your relationship. But if he refuses to actually put in the effort to making these changes, then it would definitely be time to dump him.

Yeah. I think it's time for me to say something.

Don't feel bad about breaking up. He clearly does not consider you a priority if he's breaking plans with you to do something else. That's bullshit inconsiderate behaviour and you don't have to tolerate it. Don't worry about letting him down -- he's already let YOU down every time he's done this! His feelings don't count more than yours do.

Say exactly what you have in quotes (or if you can't say them out loud, text them or something), and then tell him if he does it again, it's not worth your time to be in a relationship with him. And then follow through accordingly.

That sounds fair.

Thanks!

You are well within your right to be really frustrated. The way I would look at it is to understand how and why he is canceling.

Is he just not showing up without telling you why or giving you any notice? Then yes, break up.

Honestly, I broke up with my ex over lots of reasons but one was the way he didn't care about anyone else's time and just would show up when he felt he could. I considered that incredibly rude and only put up with it for so long.

He'll not show up and give a reason after, always after but not before. Which is why I'm frustrated.

Because I was already expecting him only to feel let down.

He expects you to be his sidepiece. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already smashing someone else.

Give him the boot. He's clearly not taking you seriously, and he's not even trying to make it up to you.
I've had to cancel plans before and I always make sure to tell the other party in time. If there might be complications and I'm not sure if I can or cannot make it, I'll let them know like I'll try to be there but just so you know, there might be blah blah blah... Y'know. A little heads up.
He's just not even trying.

Yeah. That's what I've asked for before.

I'd say no, it's not normal in a healthy relationship with two responsible adults. A person who likes you and wants to spend time with you will act like it, not just pay lip service to the idea. Now of course this depends on what the "something" is that came up. If it's not a job or family emergency and it's just him flaking, that tells you that actually no, he's not missing you that much despite what he tells you.

Don't be too forgiving, anon. You're not being unreasonable to expect a grown adult to make appointments and keep them, or let you know ASAP if he can't make it. Who initiates your dates? Is it always you, or does he make plans, too? Does he make an effort to reschedule when he can't see you? Does he keep to his own plans?

Say something sooner rather than later, because the longer you wait, the more entrenched a problem becomes. It doesn't have to be accusatory, just something like, "Hey, I've noticed that you end up canceling our dates a lot even though we both agreed to the time/place. What's up with that?" Then listen and nod. Make it clear that you expect him to make a plan and stick to it instead of showing up late or never, because that's being inconsiderate. And if he gets huffy and defensive? Ooh, welcome to Dumpsville.

Someone who wants to see you and be with you will find a way to do that. How he behaves toward you will tell you the truth. You just need to believe it.

Thanks. I sent him a few texts explaining how I felt and I'm waiting on a response.

I don't think that's normal :(

Maybe ask him to plan the next date?
That way the onus is on him, and you don't have to stress yourself out so much wondering if he's going to show up.

No, this is shitty of him. Especially if he's giving you lame excuses and it's happening on a regular basis. Please don't settle for a dude who's not that into you just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings. You're not going to break his heart by breaking up with him, because he's not really checked into this relationship in the first place. If he were, he wouldn't stand you up so often. I'm sorry, anon.

I was in a relationship where the dude was cheating on me as constantly as women would pay attention to him, and he still only stood me up once.

It's your call as to whether you're going to confront him and give him a chance or just drop the relationship, but value yourself. This isn't normal behavior. He isn't valuing you.

You are so Savage & its so great

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[ SECRET POST #3504 ]

Relationship advice

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AYRT

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Brutal honesty

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