[ SECRET POST #3514 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3514 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Love it or List it]


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[ALF]


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 18 secrets from Secret Submission Post #502.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Advice!

[(Anonymous)]

How does one deal with family members who are always stressed/anxious and are always venting at you, thus making you stressed out. Without being rude. I love them and can deal with 1-2 of their drama at once but not 4-5 of them.

Re: Advice!

[(Anonymous)]

Boundaries. Knowing how to finish a conversation or when to not puck up the phone.

Knowing when something isn't to do with you so there's no reason for you personally to stress about it.

Knowing when to get help for youself first.

Re: Advice!

[diet_poison]

If they're stressing at you I assume you know each other pretty well and care about each other? Tell them honestly that you want to be there for them as much as you can, but it has a negative impact on you to be carrying everyone else's emotional baggage all the time. You can word it more nicely and should still be able to get the point across. If they care, they will understand. Or just distance yourself a little and talk to each of them less frequently. Try to suggest that they form a support network - everyone should have more than just one person they can lean on.

Re: Advice!

[(Anonymous)]

It depends on your situation, I think. Are the relatives older or younger? Are they siblings, parents, etc.? Do you live with them?

That said, some general suggestions:

- Find ways to distance yourself gently, whether that's physically leaving (say to go hang out at a coffee shop away from the drama) or emotionally (gently changing the subject or just not engaging so much; nodding and listening more than talking)

- Learn to just say "no." Anxious people thrive on being told their anxieties are legitimate, and sometimes even reassuring someone it's not a big deal can make them feel like it *is*, just because you're talking about it. (As someone who has a LOT of anxiety, I can say that having someone tell me "no, you really don't need to make this a big deal" felt rude at first, and now I'm so grateful for it.)

- Tell them they're stressing you out! Make it about everyone, not just you or just them. Ex: "Look, I really think this is gonna be okay, let's not let this stress us out too much, okay?" keep it light, make it jokey, go ahead and point out that talking about it just builds up stress over nothing.

Idk how much any of this helps. 4/7 of my immediate family are enormous stress balls who can get pretty toxic with their drama, and I haven't figured out myself how to totally deal with it. But I think some of the most important things are be honest, frank, jokey when you can and firm when you have to be. Think of it this way--nodding and reassuring and being nice might be the easiest way, but it's often just prolonging the problem for you and for them.

Re: Advice!

[(Anonymous)]

Well, take a closer look at what your options are. Are you in the same house with all these people? Can you leave the room? How unavailable can you make yourself?

Be honest with them and draw some boundaries. "I want to be there for you when you're going through a tough time, but being your source for venting stresses me out and makes me feel terrible." Then be honest about how much you can stand. Is it ten minutes a day? Once a week? Once a month? Make sympathy noises and say things like, "I'm sorry, that sounds awful", then learn how to change the subject firmly. If that doesn't work, say you hope things improve, I love you, got to go, etc.

And then go. You have more control over this situation than you're currently exercising. Don't wait for other people to recognize your needs, you have to learn how to draw and enforce your own boundaries.