fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3514 ]

[ SECRET POST #3514 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3514 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Love it or List it]

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[ALF]

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How does one deal with family members who are always stressed/anxious and are always venting at you, thus making you stressed out. Without being rude. I love them and can deal with 1-2 of their drama at once but not 4-5 of them.

Boundaries. Knowing how to finish a conversation or when to not puck up the phone.

Knowing when something isn't to do with you so there's no reason for you personally to stress about it.

Knowing when to get help for youself first.

If they're stressing at you I assume you know each other pretty well and care about each other? Tell them honestly that you want to be there for them as much as you can, but it has a negative impact on you to be carrying everyone else's emotional baggage all the time. You can word it more nicely and should still be able to get the point across. If they care, they will understand. Or just distance yourself a little and talk to each of them less frequently. Try to suggest that they form a support network - everyone should have more than just one person they can lean on.

It depends on your situation, I think. Are the relatives older or younger? Are they siblings, parents, etc.? Do you live with them?

That said, some general suggestions:

- Find ways to distance yourself gently, whether that's physically leaving (say to go hang out at a coffee shop away from the drama) or emotionally (gently changing the subject or just not engaging so much; nodding and listening more than talking)

- Learn to just say "no." Anxious people thrive on being told their anxieties are legitimate, and sometimes even reassuring someone it's not a big deal can make them feel like it *is*, just because you're talking about it. (As someone who has a LOT of anxiety, I can say that having someone tell me "no, you really don't need to make this a big deal" felt rude at first, and now I'm so grateful for it.)

- Tell them they're stressing you out! Make it about everyone, not just you or just them. Ex: "Look, I really think this is gonna be okay, let's not let this stress us out too much, okay?" keep it light, make it jokey, go ahead and point out that talking about it just builds up stress over nothing.

Idk how much any of this helps. 4/7 of my immediate family are enormous stress balls who can get pretty toxic with their drama, and I haven't figured out myself how to totally deal with it. But I think some of the most important things are be honest, frank, jokey when you can and firm when you have to be. Think of it this way--nodding and reassuring and being nice might be the easiest way, but it's often just prolonging the problem for you and for them.

Well, take a closer look at what your options are. Are you in the same house with all these people? Can you leave the room? How unavailable can you make yourself?

Be honest with them and draw some boundaries. "I want to be there for you when you're going through a tough time, but being your source for venting stresses me out and makes me feel terrible." Then be honest about how much you can stand. Is it ten minutes a day? Once a week? Once a month? Make sympathy noises and say things like, "I'm sorry, that sounds awful", then learn how to change the subject firmly. If that doesn't work, say you hope things improve, I love you, got to go, etc.

And then go. You have more control over this situation than you're currently exercising. Don't wait for other people to recognize your needs, you have to learn how to draw and enforce your own boundaries.

Yay advice thread! I was just thinking I might try asking here because there is something on my mind...
My mother is moving to a small town in the south eastern US for a job starting next week. I've been teasing her about how she's going to have to figure out how to tell people she's an atheist, both because of stereotypes about the states and because we've both experienced small towns before and odds are someone's going to invite her to their church.
Now it turns out the institution she's working for is more explicitly religious than she expected, because her boss has included prayer in the agenda of their first group meeting.
I'm just curious if anyone has experience with the kind of environment where Christianity is assumed, and maybe some tips for navigating it? What to do when your new boss is praying? Vague ways to avoid questions on faith when you're starting out somewhere?

(tbh I'm a little frustrated that she accepted this job without ever asking about how faith based the institution was, just because she ~believes~ it shouldn't be an issue. but oh well.)

When everyone else is praying, just bow your head and work on your shopping list.

I grew up in the South and now live in Oklahoma which is like a weird combo of South/Midwest. I've never had any problems in regards to not being particularly religious. If people invite you to church, politely decline.

This is what I'm hoping it will be like for her. My experience of declining people's invitations to church has all been very benign, but I suppose I'm just worrying :)

I lived in South Carolina for college.

I'd just keep my head down during prayer and not say anything. My grandmother lived in the middle of nowhere Virginia and even though she's Catholic, she attended the local Methodist church because it was a social thing.

One way is simply deflect and say she hasn't found a church yet and is getting acclimated to the area first. Most people are pretty polite as long as you get too preachy to them either, just accept that things are the way they are. I was always weirded out that they prayed before every football game but it just meant a moment of silence from me out of respect.

Good luck to your mom with the job.

Interesting. South Carolina is where she's moving actually. I'll tell her about the praying before football.
"Still getting acclimated" is probably a good way to navigate casual relationships with people before she knows her way around. Thanks for the good wishes!

Re: Not being christian in the south

shortysc22 - 2016-08-18 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

my family isn't christian and we live in texas and mainly: if you think they will react badly, fake it. Like, don't go to church with them or anything, but you know, pretend to believe in jesus or whatever. If they are more chill but you still don't know them well, just say you don't like to talk about it.

As for being invited to church, a lot of people's lines are along the lines of "I like to pray privately" or something like that, but I've never actually been asked to attend someone's church so idk how common that is.

Most people will just default assume though, and you don't need to correct them.

She can say she likes to pray/meditate by herself in the quiet. She believes in God but doesn't go to church.

Or she can come out and say it would be hypocritical of her to go to church. Or she can say she's agnostic. If she's lucky, they don't know what agnostic means and/or don't dare to say anything because they don't know what religion your mom is leaning towards the most, so they can't exactly criticize her like they could criticize an atheist.

I hadn't considered agnosticism. I think we've settled on implying agnosticism and referring to private faith if pressed. I think the place is fairly politically liberal, like they're not going to say she's a bad person for being an atheist, but she doesn't want to get on the wrong side of the department culture. I doubt she'll be pressed about it but you never know.

Tennessean here - it's aggravating, but I've found it's not aggressive enough that it bothers me enough to take a stand or consider moving. Aside from some opening-a-non-religious-event-with-prayers, no one's ever proselytized directly to me, or asked if I attend church/am religious.

Since you're mom is at a more religious organization, that might make it more difficult. I think one thing that might help is not going out of her way to explain that she's an atheist. I've found with a lot of things in life that the more justification you provide, the more people will take it as an opportunity to debate you on it. So if someone asks her if she wants to go to church, a simple "no thanks" might be safer than "no, because..."

I've never run into any issues in the south, even when others are praying or have invited me to church functions. I just say something like "my faith is a private/personal matter". Especially as she's from a different part of the country, most people would just chalk it up to cultural/denominational differences.

I've been invited to people's churches and prayer groups lots of times and never taken them up on the offer. It's not offensive to say no thanks.

She actually has an accent, though it's not really identifiable as anything since she's moved so much. She definitely doesn't read as American.
I didn't think of how that would affect how people see her but I guess they'll make less assumptions.

I live in that region and I can tell you that you'd be surprised how little it can be an issue depending on how casual you are about it. I live in North Carolina. I had a job where I often worked on Sunday mornings and of course I got no grief for not being in church.

My family's church members were very polite to me when they came over, and were happy to see me coming when I did. I encountered a few people who were overtly religious but most people you couldn't tell.

I work in an office where practically everybody is some variety of Christian (largely Catholic) but it's never been that big of a deal. Most of my co-workers have crosses or religious sayings on their desks or in their cubicles, but nobody's ever asked me why I don't.

I've never actually said that I'm an atheist, so I think everybody kind of assumes I'm just not particularly religious, but still kind of Christian, because that's kind of the default assumption.

I want to move somewhere. Preferably a bigger city. I have a Bachelor's in Special Ed and don't really want to teach. What Masters or Bachelor's programs should I look at for increasing my hiring eligibility.

What kind of job are you thinking of getting? Is there a kind of "education" you might be interested in that's not school teaching? What other subjects are you interested in?

SA

In general, I wouldn't go for a Bachelor's for an additional degree. If you already have a degree of some sort, a Bachelor's is pretty meaningless, I think.

Re: Advice!

(Anonymous) - 2016-08-18 01:58 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice!

kaijinscendre - 2016-08-18 02:12 (UTC) - Expand

Honestly? Nothing in particular. I am okay with computers. I'm okay one on one with people. I can cook okay. I am just trying to figure out where to start. There are so many options and I want o start before I get too old.

Re: Advice!

(Anonymous) - 2016-08-18 02:18 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Advice!

kaijinscendre - 2016-08-18 03:22 (UTC) - Expand

1. Find where you want to move to (or narrow down the posdibilities).

2. Work out how much you'd have to earn to live there and be happy - rent, cost of living, public transport, etc.

3. Find out what jobs pay that amount or more.

4. Pick a degree related to one of those jobs!

Caveat: personally I think it might be smarter to get a job in the city you want to move to first, then start on the degree part time. Or start the degree part time and put it as 'in progress' on your resume. Reason being, why put your life on hold for the time it takes to get a degree when you could already be living in a new place?

Right now, I am planning on staying in my podunk town, working at my dead end job, and getting a degree at night.

I worry that I may not be able to afford rent in any places I might be interested in with an entry level job.

Re: Advice!

(Anonymous) - 2016-08-18 03:38 (UTC) - Expand

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