fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3525 ]

[ SECRET POST #3525 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3525 ⌋

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whenever I try and make plans with my friends or invite them to do things they blow me off, and then they will have get togethers and go out to do things and not tell me.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm so lonely.

Have you considered the possibility that you are trying to be friends with a bunch of shitheads?

Not saying it's for sure what's happening, but it seems possible.

Its a possibility, but I don't have any other friends at the moment who don't live hundreds of miles away.

You can't force it. In my experience, trying to be friends with people for the sake of being friends is usually a recipe for disaster anyway, even if your intentions are good.

Try finding a hobby where you can open up the possibility of meeting other like-minded individuals, perhaps?

Re: feeling bad

(Anonymous) - 2016-08-28 22:42 (UTC) - Expand

Seconding

If the're not shitheads, as herpy suggests (which is a distinct possibility), is it possible that they are in a very different life phase from you?

I invite them to do the same stuff they do with each other. We are all basically the same age too. Idk. I think they might not like me, which doesn't feel good but I guess that's just how it is.

<3

Seconding kallanda. And you won't feel this bad forever.

thanks. I hope so.

Get new friends. If new friends don't do this to you, then you weren't doing anything wrong.

If new friends do what old friends do to you, either you're drawn to jerks or you need to examine your interactions with people. Do you come on too strong? Are you ambivalent about plans? Do you give a reasonable amount of time for people to plan ahead, or do your plans always consist of a last minute thing? Do your friends have other stuff going on in their lives, etc.

I used to have friends (before I moved a few years ago) who seemed to like hanging out with me and would invite me to stuff but who knows, that was years ago.

The only thing I know I don't do is spring plans on people. I hate doing that. I don't know if I come on too strong or too weak though.

stop inviting them and do your own thing

become cooler than they will ever be

Idk going to movies by myself has never made me feel super cool

NAYRT

I love going to the movies by myself. I don't have anyone chattering in my ear while I'm trying to watch.

Plus movies seemed kind of weird to me as a group activity (at least going out to them anyway). Lets all sit in a dark room for two hours and ignore each other.

Re: feeling bad

(Anonymous) - 2016-08-28 23:58 (UTC) - Expand

whaaat? get on that, asap

do it enough and you stop caring. next stop, going to restaurants by yourself

people get jealous when others are confidently living it up
trust me, you need to do this
it's a wonderful self-esteem boost

Chiming in that they're shitty friends, but I know what it feels like to not have any other than those. Are there any volunteer activities you're into that you could join, or an intramural sports league? Those could be good places to meet people.

I don't like sports at all so the second one is no good. I have done volunteering in the past and never made friends from it, but I guess I could try.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I've been through the exact same thing as you. Honestly, just don't even bother trying to reach out to them anymore and try to focus on yourself. Maybe talk to a counselor or doctor or parent or someone like that and try to feel more comfortable being you rather than trying to stick with people who are unkind to you. The more you learn to love and care for yourself, the less approval you need from others. The less you try to force it, the more people will seem more open to you. I hope this helps. <3

I can't afford a therapist right now. :c maybe when I get a better job though.

and its less approval I want than just... positive human interaction. I'm very lonely and just want to spend time with someone. If I only I could get a pet or something, but my apartment doesn't allow it (and I couldn't afford it anyway).

Were they friends with each other before you came along? It's possible their emotional needs are already being met and it doesn't occur to them to include you because as much as they might like you, they're kind of full-up with friends. Try to make new friends who are in a similar position to you - new to town, don't have a lot of friends, need another friend to fill a niche, etc.

I was friends with one of them before either of us friends with the rest of them, but then the group grew and over time I just seem to have been phased out.

(And not to nitpick but I wouldn't say I am new in town, I mentioned above that its been a few years.)

That really sucks. :( I'm so sorry.

My instinct would be to reach out to them (maybe one of them you are/were particularly close to?) and ask them what's up. But that can also create drama. :/

Seconding everyone who's said to try to make new friends. It ain't easy, but it's still a good move.

That's a pretty asshole move and ime means that they aren't all that interested in maintaining a close friendship with you. I'm not saying to cut them out of your life completely, but I'd back off and just keep things very casual.

I'll second the suggestion about doing things on your own, though. The best way to make better friends is to become more comfortable and confident in yourself. So go out and do fun things by yourself like trying out cool restaurants or going to the movies. Pick up a new hobby or something. Don't cling to failing relationships, just keep living and make new ones.

That sucks and I'm sorry. It's hard to say what the problem might be, though. It could be your friends are thoughtless jerks. Maybe they're clique-ish and don't realize just how much. Maybe... and I hesitate to suggest this because it sounds like you're already down and prone to over analyzing, but if it IS you, what you think might be the problem? This kind of soul searching is most effective if you can be honest without wallowing in self pity or letting your anxieties get the better of you, so it doesn't work for everyone.

A few things to think about:

* Are you a good friend to have? Do you listen to people, do you reciprocate when people give you attention or do you favors? Are you punctual and reliable, as in, do you do what you say you'll do or do you flake a lot? How's your personal hygiene?

* Do you ask a lot of people emotionally? Are you always down, do you complain about life, do you throw pity parties for one, do you complain about everything, all the time and expect other people to be your emotional dumping ground? Negative people are hard to be around.

* Are you a happy, self-fulfilled person? When people are sad and insecure, they project that in ways they're not even aware of most of the time. It manifests in clinginess and self centeredness, usually, but it can take a lot of forms. Insecure people often regularly demand affirmation that they're not boring, not a horrible person, etc. etc. and a lot of this can be very emotionally draining to be around.

Don't chase after people who don't want you, anon. Work on yourself, and work on being happy with yourself. Start new hobbies, pursue new interests, do things that get you out of the house to meet new people. People are drawn to those who are happy, self confident and passionate about something. Be that person.

Could be your drifting apart... Time to start drifting to other things and who knows maybe you'll make some new friends!

Check out local groups, there might be an (insert genre here) group you can go see movies with. Just go to have some fun and let any friendships happen naturally. It'll let you have some nice casual human interactions. Don't worry about how you must come across, just do your best and be polite. Try some different groups and find the one or two you like best! Are you into board games? Great time to start, you could find a local casual group who meet monthly or something. Or any order hobby.

Generally, ppl get excited over new ppl in these new situations and are pretty forgiving of awkwardness :)

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