fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3540 ]

[ SECRET POST #3540 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3540 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Tom Hanks & Aaron Eckhart in Sully]

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[Star Trek: The Next Generation]

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04.

[The Hobbit (film)]

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[Keeping Up Appearances]

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[Endeavour]

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07.

[Legend, Lily/Darkness]

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08.

[Anne of Green Gables remake]

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09.

[Macross Delta]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 38 secrets from Secret Submission Post #506.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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In comment below collapsed for discussions of self hate, suicide attempts and self harm.

So I feel like I have a consciousness deep inside my mind, or in one corner of my mind of someone or something that hates me deeply. I've thought a lot about turns of events that would have me arrested interrogated by the police and thrown in jail to be killed by the other inmates. Or have a hate campaign made and started against me on social media. Telling other people I'm the worst of the worst.

No real thing I did, but just....because I'm horrible and awful and deserve it. That I deserve to suffer. It's come out when I had a panic attack when left alone while the power was out, hitting myself and berating myself.

It's made me walk into the kitchen and cut myself when there was no real reason to be upset other then a sudden onset of mood. It tells me how awful and trash I am. It really started a few years after I graduated from high school, and had a lot of anger left over about school and being bullied, but also a feeling like I couldn't take it out on anything else or I would hurt people. But myself was okay to hurt, because well, I could take it.

This thing still rots in the corner of my head and occasionally throws me suggestions like "send yourself anon hate" "scratch yourself." and stuff like that. It will sometimes have me just sitting there thinking about how everyone around should be aware I'm a terrible person. I should be jumped and hurt.

I keep it down now because I don't want to cause trouble. But I feel like I can't get rid of this rotted corner of my mind, and I created it myself so its my fault. I've created a bully in my own mind.

i'm not a doctor, obviously, but that sounds an awful lot like borderline personality disorder to me.

I hope not.

I still remember someone on here long ago who was talking about how people with BPD were all abusers and needed to be kept away from humanity. I'm really unassertive and hate hurting or inconveniencing people in any way.

I remember that anon too, and they were being an asshole. The stigma surrounding mental illnesses like BPD is part of what keeps a lot of people from getting help that they need.

I felt bad for calling them out because they had been abused by people with BPD. But still, 'no awareness' is the opposite of what the problem needs.

And wouldn't stigmatizing BPD as "the abuser disorder" cause more people with BPD to avoid treatment and diagnosis and thus not get help? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Yeah, exactly. I understand it can be hard for someone who was abused to sympathize - I was abused by someone who probably was borderline too (that is one of the prevailing theories in my family, but he never sought treatment so no one is sure) - but labelling everyone with it as abusers is just going to make people avoid diagnosis and treatment.

Stigmatizing mental illness just hurts people more.

:(

I know a few people with borderline personality disorder, and the ones I know best are mostly just ridiculously easily upset. Yeah, they can be vindictive sometimes, but it's like feeling beaten and betrayed all the time.

'abusive' toward others isn't a trait of bpd. some behaviors can be abusive and manipulative, but you can say that about anyone.

in my experience, bpd is a lot of "i hate myself, so everyone else must hate me." it's hard to see why anyone would bother with you, but you're thrilled when they do, so you chase that feeling even knowing you don't deserve it. it's a lot of black-and-white thinking. people are either THE BEST THING EVER or THE WORST THING EVER.

and that applies to 'you', too. if 'you' was a separate entity, you'd beat the shit out of 'you' on a daily basis because you're so worthless and such a horrible, shitty person that you deserve it. you deserve everything bad that ever happens to you, and the occasional good thing? pfft, that's a huge mistake that you don't deserve because you're so damn worthless.

there are days where you feel normal, and that evil little voice in the back of your head's shut up for a little while, but it doesn't take much to wake it up, either. one little thing going wrong, that's the validation that voice needs to tear you apart.

inherently, borderlines are abusive to themselves more than anything else.

That describes me perfectly.

if that's the case, i am so sorry, op. <3 hopefully your therapist will be able to find a way to help you.

Not explicitly, but the criteria for BPD as listed in the DSM-V do predispose people who exhibit them to being abusive. So I can understand why people are quick to call it "abuser's disorder" because people who have untreated BPD frequently are abusive toward others in an effort to deflect rejection or abandonment. It's like locking their cat in the basement because they're paranoid that it's going to run away.

Being abused by a person with BPD (or any Cluster B disorder) is unlike anything else. There is a constant walking-on-eggshells practice around the person to avoid setting them off, and you feel like everything you do and say is being evaluated as a reason to hurt you. You start becoming equally paranoid about being perfect in this person's eyes just to keep the peace and avoid their explosive rages.

The victim is often left with a sense that they did something wrong by getting away from the person, or that because the person has this disorder, their abusive behavior wasn't really their fault. And if they had just been more accommodating and understanding they could've made it work. So I can also see how somebody who is out of a relationship with one and still coming to grips with what was done with them can get extremely defensive when hearing that people with BPD need compassion and understanding, because that isn't what the victim hears; the victim hears "I have to be nice to the person who made my life hell, and I deserved what they did to me for not being perfect."

Okay but saying "not everyone with bpd is abusive and those who aren't need sympathy" is not saying the abuse wasn't real or it was your fault - and having been abused does not give you the right to take it out on other people who haven't wronged you. .

I was abused in the exact way you're talking about, and I would still never say something like "people with bpd should all be locked away" - but that doesn't mean I have to sympathize with my abuser either.

I know that, and I definitely think that anon crossed a line. But having also been abused by someone with BPD (someone who knew they had BPD and also insisted that people needed to have sympathy for them no matter how they treated them), I can still understand why they might lash out like that. Particularly if they've just begun to process the abuse and are still in a not-so-great and not-rational mental place themselves (as victims often are).

People with BPD do need sympathy and compassion, but it's also dangerous to excuse the kind of damage they're capable of inflicting on others through their behavior, or pretend that people with BPD who are also abusive are some kind of rare anomaly, because they aren't; frequently, people with BPD get diagnosed because they're forced into counseling by a loved one they've been abusing.

DA -- also, depending on when they were diagnosed, a lot of women with "BPD" actually have ASPD. Until fairly recently, there was a school of thought in psychiatric circles that women couldn't have ASPD, so women who fit those criteria were labeled with BPD (there is some overlap, but also some important differences). If your experience with BPD comes from living with someone who actually had ASPD, it's going to color your viewpoint a bit.

I doubt it's another personality like DID or something, but it definitely sounds like it needs addressed by a professional. If you're comfortable giving out that kind of information, what general area do you live in (country, state/province)? I'll see what resources I can dig up for you.

I'd rather not, I mean I'm on anon because I don't want people knowing this about me.

I have a psych appt sometime in the future.

Okay. It's good that you have an appointment.

Just as a general resource, https://www.imalive.org/ and http://www.7cups.com/ are both very good free chat-based counseling services. And if you are able to afford it, Talkspace is a very inexpensive mobile service available on Android and iPhone.

Thank you.

This sounds like BPD, possibly bipolar or severe depression, possibly with a psychosis element. Probably not DID. I wish you luck.

Thanks. My family believes I have bipolar and I have had depression a while.

When I told a friend about my school experiences they were shocked I wasn't traumatized by the whole thing. Maybe it could be trauma?? I guess???

I have psych appts soon so I can bring it up there.

What you're describing does sound close to bipolar (I'm not a clinician, so that's just my layperson-who-has-read-the-DSM-V opinion). And it's certainly not uncommon for personality disorders to be comorbid with mental illnesses (example: avoidant personality disorder is highly comorbid with anxiety and panic disorders; the constant anxiety causes the person to avoid social interaction and people as much as they can).

It's definitely something to see a professional about, so it's good that you have an appointment coming up. Stay safe.

Sounds like it could also be disassociation. I'm not a doctor, but I really think you should go see one. <333

Don't concern yourself with any specific diagnosis right now, especially as suggested by the internet. Just know that you are experiencing intrusive thoughts which are distressing you, and that this is reason enough to ask for help in reducing them or coping with them. If you go to make a first appointment with a therapist and the person on the phone asks you what issues you are seeking help for, all you need to tell them is that you're having intrusive thoughts.

Good luck, anon.

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[ SECRET POST #3540 ]

Do I have another personality?

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