[ SECRET POST #3641 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3641 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 07 secrets from Secret Submission Post #520.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[(Anonymous)]

I had a friend who was, for many years, my closest friend. Then he stopped talking to me as often as he used to because he was busy, then he moved to another state and despite promising to keep in touch, basically dropped all contact. I would try and text or skype him, and he rarely responded. Sometimes he would, and would always be cheerful, but never started conversations on his own. Eventually I gave up. About a year passed, and then like a month ago he texted me asking me how I was doing. We talked like, 3 times after that, and then he mentioned they were visiting family for christmas and we should hang out when they're in the state.

And honestly, I don't want to. I feel like they ditched me. He made a lot of new friends when he moved, and posts about them on facebook and twitter all the time, and I don't want to feel like some shitty back up friend for when he can't be with them. But also he was seriously my closest friend for so long, and I don't have many friends. I bought him a christmas present because I always have, so I need to give it to him, but I'm still so hurt I don't know what to do when we hang out. But then I keep thinking, what gives me the right to feel this way? I must have done something wrong if he didn't want to keep talking to me? But why didn't he tell me if I did? And loop feelings back.

idk. How valid are my feelings F!S?

Re: How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[supermanda]

Your feelings are always valid. You have every right to feel however you want, no need to question it.

What you do with those feelings is what should be looked at, I think

Re: How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[(Anonymous)]

Your feelings are definitely valid.

However, you may need to adjust your expectations of this individual as a friend. He may be a jerk, or just clueless. People do grow apart, and it may have had nothing to do with anything you did. It's difficult to say whether you're a "back up friend" or if he just treats all his friends with the same regard. It's possible he didn't consider you as close a friend as you did him. That also happens. You may need to just do your own thing while he does his. Hang out with your other friends, or make some new ones. But I don't recommend holding onto whatever level of friendship you used to have, which feeds into the bitter feelings. Have fun with him when he comes, give him his present, and leave it at that. Expect nothing else from him. (/unsolicited)

I'm sorry. I know it sucks when someone doesn't think of you the way you think of them, even if that wasn't the case in the past.

Re: How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[caerbannog]

Aww anon <3

But then I keep thinking, what gives me the right to feel this way?

You are perfectly allowed to feel this way! You have lost a close friend, for reasons unknown to you. You're allowed to be upset, sad, angry, confused, hesitant, wary


I must have done something wrong if he didn't want to keep talking to me?
But why didn't he tell me if I did? And loop feelings back.

You might not have done anything wrong. As he did eventually contact you, I would hazard you haven't done anything wrong at all. It does just sound like he got all busy in life which could lead to being tired, not responding, drifting away...

Sometimes people just grow apart, sometimes one person grows apart and the other is left behind. Sometimes you'll be the first and sometimes the latter. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just your life has gone different ways! and sometimes close friendships go apart :(


I will say though. If you don't want to meet him, be it because of hurt feelings or waryness or you're not ready to be more casual friends...it is okay not to meet up with him! You really don't have to. If it was a mention, you can just ignore it. If it was a direct request, you can politely beg off and wish him a good trip.

Your feelings are valid :) <3

Re: How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[(Anonymous)]

I've been in this place. My best friend had periods where she would not talk to me for 6 months to a year at a time. I was really angry and resentful because I was always there for her, and she would just drop me like it was nothing at times. My involvement in the friendship was so much more than hers.

tbh, we still talk now, but we've never been as close as we used to be. Learning that people grow apart and there's nothing you can do to change that was a harsh but necessary lesson. I can't tell you what to do about it, but I hope it helps to know that it's a common experience.

Re: How mad am I allowed to be at a friend who stopped talking to me (Vent)

[(Anonymous)]

Your feelings are your feelings, you have every right to feel however you want about anything you want. That said, my guess is that you're more upset about this because you're the one who's been holding onto the idea of this friendship even in the face of clear evidence that your friend has let go.

I have no way of knowing why your friend acted this way. Sometimes people drift apart, particularly if they're physically apart. Sometimes people are bad about keeping in touch-- particularly men, who haven't been as strongly socialized to maintain those social niceties. You haven't necessarily done anything wrong, this is just a natural part of life and growing up. Over the course of a lifetime, people make and lose friends all the time, through no fault of their own.

By all means, have lunch with your friend over the holidays if you think you'd enjoy it, but if you think it's going to be too painful, then cancel. Never mind his present. That was just your way of trying to hold onto a friendship and intimacy that no longer exists, anyway.

As a new year's resolution, get out more and make an effort to meet new people. You'll feel less angry and bitter about this if you, too, have new friends.