[ SECRET POST #3755 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3755 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 50 secrets from Secret Submission Post #536.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[replicantangel]

I try not to burn bridges, even when I perhaps should. Lots of friends (including once very close friends) have drifted away, which is just something that happens. I don't recall ever ending a friendship end because of a blow-up argument or anything - I feel terrible and always have the need for apologizing/closure after arguments, even if there's an intentional lessening of contact afterwards.

The only drifted-away one I regret letting get away is one of my closest friends from college. I got married right after graduating, and she swore up and down that she would be there. I saved a place for her at my table and everything, but she didn't show. I was deeply hurt by it - she didn't even call or message me to say she wasn't coming - but instead of reaching out to her, I just stopped talking to her. We're still friends on FB, and I think we might have exchanged pleasantries once, but otherwise, nada. She was such a good friend before that though, and I regret letting her go over something like that, even if it was rude on her part.

Another friend messaged me *after* my wedding, accusing me of being awful and rude for not inviting her. This was after we hadn't spoken in about 3 years and she had done nothing to indicate that she did want to come, despite knowing about my planning for 15 months (through mutual friends). That ended any friendly feelings right there.

In retrospect, my wedding marked the end of a lot of friendships.

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[(Anonymous)]

If it helps, I think it's rude that your friend who didn't show up never apologized or explained what happened. But if you're still in touch with her, have you considered messaging her and seeing what happened? Maybe it's not too late.

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[replicantangel]

It was rude, but I let it get in the way of any continuing friendship (in fairness to myself, she did too, as she never reached out either).

This was 10 years ago, so my memory is a little fuzzy. I think I may have asked her what happened, and she just didn't give me a good or coherent answer (or apology) - something like "well, I just didn't get up in time" (it was a little bit of a drive for her). It did nothing to lessen my extreme annoyance, I remember that. I didn't yell or anything, but I think that was when I stopped talking to her for good.

She's doing well, I think, but lives a very different life now in a different city. I wouldn't be opposed to catching up, but it's been a decade. *shrugs* These things happen.

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[(Anonymous)]

AYRT - Oh, yeah, I wouldn't have spoken to her much after that either. Even if it was a bit of a drive, "I just didn't get up on time" isn't a good excuse. She could have at least hustled to the reception or bought you coffee after your honeymoon or something, at the very least.

Yeah, these things happen.

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[(Anonymous)]

About the second one: I would never, ever invite myself to someone's wedding and therefore would never say anything that I felt might imply I wanted to be invited or that I assumed I would be invited, because I would be mortified at the thought of people either having to invite me because they felt they had to or having to have the awkward "Um, we could only invite so many people... and you're not one of them" talk with me. At most, I'd try to get back in touch and say "Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!" all the while feelimg anxious that someone might think I was angling for an invite.

But, I would never bitch at someone after the fact about not being invited.

I have not been invited to the weddings of several people I felt I was close to (it hurt, but I don't know how they had to prioritize) but I have been invited to the weddings of several people I felt I barely knew. I dunno.

Re: Sad (and/or stupid) reasons you've let go of friendships

[replicantangel]

I understand why you'd never invite yourself to a wedding or assume that you'll be invited, but she literally had not spoken to me in years, not even to say anything when I first became engaged. I had no idea she was even interested.

I did actually have one friend express surprise and a bit of offense when he learned his parents hadn't been invited. I knew them fairly well, so I just shrugged and said I'd invite them. I hadn't thought they'd be interested either, but they came and even gave us a lovely present that I still use to this day.

Here's the thing about weddings - usually the single most expensive item is the catering, which depends largely on the number of people you invite. If you're on a budget (which we most *definitely* were), you have to lay out some rules for yourself because that stuff adds up fast. My family is fairly small, and just my beginning list of relatives on the Must Invite list numbered over 30. So my rule for friends was that I or my husband must have spoken to the person within the last year.

Some people want everyone and their dog to be there. Some people don't want to offend this one set of people, so they can't invite this other set of people either (so they can fairly say, "oh, it was only immediate family and best friends!"). Some people just want to maximize present-giving obligations on potential guests. Some people feel the need to cut friends because their family overwhelms the list. It's such a mixed bag. But the one thing I learned from planning my own wedding was not to be offended when I'm not invited, because you're totally right - people have to prioritize and budget. I suspect that when/if my friend marries, she may learn why what she said to me was so unreasonable. But I'm still not holding my breath for an apology or a rekindling of friendship.