fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3773 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3773 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Notorious, Megan and Julia]

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[David Tennant in Broadchurch]

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[Paul Hollywood and Noel Fielding, Great British Bake Off]

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[The Americans]

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My gf hasn't wanted to have sex with me for what feels like weeks. Like not "she actively dislikes the idea" (I hope) - she just seems to not care want it or think about it. When we do have sex (always my idea, never hers) it feels like she is just doing me a favor and isn't having fun like she used to. I feel like she isn't attracted to me anymore. She doesn't look at me like she used to. I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I'm not initiating as much anymore cause it's making me feel unattractive. I tried bringing it up once, but she started crying and I felt bad, assured her she was still a good girlfriend, and dropped it.

Is this the mythical lesbian bed death everyone talks about so much? We've only been together two years...

More likely your girlfriend is fucking depressed and it sounds like you care more about your own problems than asking her if everything is okay.

Wow. Not helpful.

Yes, it is possible OP's GF is depressed. It's also possible she's no longer attracted to OP and is scared to admit it, or scared to initiate intimacy for other reasons that have nothing to do with how she feels about OP. At least OP tried to open a conversation about it. Whether or not it was framed in a "me me me" manner is highly unclear (for all you know, OP could have started with "is everything okay?"), but really, how in the hell else will a conversation get started? OP has a right to their feelings, and it's really insensitive to suggest GF's behavior doesn't affect them in the least.

Wow. You sound like such a lovely person.

OP - try bringing it up again and if you gf starts crying, instead of backpedaling try asking her why she's crying. Get to the root of it. She could be manipulative and crying to get you to back off, or there could be underlying issues to this entire situation. But backing off when emotions get high and backpedaling won't solve anything.

Good luck. Relationships are hard work, but hopefully this one is worth it!

Harsh but real advice, "This thing is really bothering me but I can't bring it up with my partner because I'm afraid." is a huge ginormous red flag for the relationship status.

You brought up something that was bothering you about her behavior, and she cried, and got you to apologize for having feelings? That is not cool, not cool at all. Occasional sexual and general satisfaction check-ins for couples are super awkward and also super important.

And I really want to stress that in these things there's no right or wrong way to be, it's just whatever makes you happy. You're not happy with being made to feel unattractive, maybe she's unhappy with the pressure to make you feel attractive, and it sucks but if something like this is the case you'll be a lot happier with someone who enjoys making you feel desired and she'll be a lot happier with someone who is happy with her as she is. OR maybe it's something that can be worked out, but if she flat out won't let you bring up the topic then..... there's really no place to even start diagnosing the issues here.

I'm sympathetic, I grew up in a 'wire mother' sort of situation and so I had a long string of failed relationships because giving/receiving affection was a totally foreign concept to me. I'm now in a happy relationship, but it takes a lot of sometimes very awkward communication. And sometimes that communication is "I wish we cuddled more, want to cuddle and watch a movie?" and "I enjoy cuddling with you, but I'm short and when we cuddle I can't see the TV. So we can cuddle, or we can watch a movie together, but not both. Which would you like?" "Oh! I didn't realize you couldn't see the TV. We can cuddle and talk or listen to music or something, the cuddling's the important part."

And it took us years to get to that point because for a long time I thought it was better not to complain so I'd 'put up' with sitting still for two hours able to only see a blurry section of TV around the edge of my glasses and then quickly escape and never initiate it, meanwhile he'd be hurt and confused because I'd agreed to movie-cuddles but he could tell I wasn't happy. The only solution was to communicate.

But back to the original thing, you can speculate and we can speculate all day long, but it's basically "My car is making a weird noise" and it could be anything from a loose belt to wolverines nesting in the trunk and there's no way to find out unless you talk.

Or, you know, you can kind of stay quiet and be unhappy and hope whatever thing she won't talk about resolves itself. It's not your place to be her therapist, but as a general rule if it's part of a pattern you will never be able to make yourself small enough and need so little that it makes your partner happy.

[ SECRET POST #3773 ]

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