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[ SECRET POST #3774 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3774 ⌋

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blargh about romance

So I met a girl on a dating app that I have a lot in common with. She's fun, but I'm not necessarily "sold" yet. We had a first date (really more of a vaguely-romantic, mostly-platonic meeting, since both our profiles said we want to make friends first and see if there is something more) and had fun conversations. I'd at least take it to the friend level, I thought.

But we live on opposite ends of the city, and she has a car, I don't currently. And she keeps suggesting places that are like an hour+ away from where I live, and for weekday evening potential meetups where it's like dude, I don't get off of work until 6 and I work the next morning, I'm not sure I want to travel an hour just to meet up with someone I've only met once? I said on the weekend I'd be more flexible, and she suggests going to this place that's two and a half hours from where I live (by public transportation, it's much quicker by car).

Like, I don't know if I just ought to suck it up and not be so tied down by distance, or if I should feel slighted that she's not taking the hint that it's kind of a big commitment to expect someone you barely know to travel an hour+ to meet up? I mean, we could literally meet in the middle and it wouldn't be so bad, but since she prefers to drive everywhere, she doesn't like to park in the middle of the city.

Am I reading this weird or being stingy? I don't come from a big city and I'm fairly new to this area, so other big city people, can you tell me if this seems normal? Especially for people you've like just met on Tinder?

I think it's reasonable to ask for a place that is closer by, even if she has a car she should understand that.

Being from big cities I can tell you normally people with cars who don't want to deal with parking will just take public transit themselves.

I'd try suggesting some places to meet up in the middle again, and just tell her it's a time issue. I'd try to be nice about it but I don't really think it's unreasonable for you to not want to be in transit for 2 hours for someone you barely know.

Thanks, yeah. I'll counter her offer with somewhere closer. I have mentioned time/distance when I've turned down her suggestions, and she knows I don't have a car right now. It's not that I expect every meeting to be a block away from my apartment, but it just doesn't seem fun to take two trains and a bus to get somewhere for someone I hardly know.

I live in a medium-sized city* with shitty public transit, so take this with a big grain of salt, but it does seem pretty inconsiderate. Any time I am trying to meet up with someone, and it's not someone I know well enough to just be like "ok come over lol" or "dinner at your house?", we always talk about what's close to me, what's close to them, and what's in the middle, and both parties are aware of what's convenient for the other person. That just seems like par for the course. On the other hand, along that same line of thought - does she realize it would take you that long to get to those places, and have you made it clear why it's difficult for you to do that? You mentioned her not "taking hints", and like, hints are not a good way to communicate with people. She may not realize that this is actually a pain in the ass to you.

That said, it may be that it's important to her for a partner to have a car, so that she has the flexibility to meet them places like that. That may be an outcome. She might not want to drive all the way across town all the time. On the other hand, her willingness to apparently go out of the way to meet all the time makes me wonder if that's actually the case.

I can understand not wanting to park in the city, but if you are unable to drive and she's unwilling to use public transit to meet you, that might be a matter of incompatibility. (I have to wonder though why she's unwilling to take public transit? Is it really expensive, or...?)

Maybe not, though. Talk to her about it. Good luck!

*during non-rush hour it takes idk, 30-45 min to drive from the farthest point of one side of the city to the other, depending on how you define those points, so this may just be a really bad example for comparison

Edited 2017-05-05 02:04 (UTC)

Yeah, I guess so. I mean I'm from a... small city, I guess? where public transportation doesn't exist so everyone drives everywhere and parking is always free and available. Even so, driving from one end of town to the other could easily take 35 minutes or so, depending on traffic. But that doesn't seem that terrible to me. An hour, on the other hand, is a quite a commitment, and I'm already not a very outgoing person. I'm the type that has to push myself to go out the door even for fun things - not that I don't enjoy socializing or trying new things, but the process of going out is a lot of mental work for me so the thought of putting a lot of time into the journey too is a little exasperating.

I mean, every time I've rejected her suggestions, I've mentioned time/distance being a factor. But I get the sense she's also a lot more outgoing than me, and like to find trendy, off-the-beaten-path events or bars or whatever. We may not be romantically compatible for a number of reasons in that regard. I'll suggest some closer places and if that doesn't work out, oh well.

Sounds like she is just a lot more outgoing and adventurous. Maybe those are things you could do with her if you get to know her really well and pursue a friendship/romance? But sometimes it can be hard for people who are outgoing to understand how much labor that is for other people.

Definitely sounds like a conversation you should have. If you really hit it off with her then I hope you find a way to be friends at least! And maybe you can find some places that are interesting/exciting for her but not so hard to get to for you?

Don't hint, be blunt but polite, because sometimes people with cars don't really have a clue about how hard it is to get places without one. You don't have a car and getting to and from meeting places is a bigger investment of time and effort for you that doesn't always work with your schedule. Then offer a list of suggestions that are easier for you, or at least a compromise distance between her place and yours.

I get not wanting to park in the middle of the city, but it's not fair to put all the burden of transportation on you alone. Don't beat around the bush, tell her that meeting at X location means a two hour round trip for you on a week day, and you just can't do it. If she can't see that her suggestions aren't reasonable (and that they are in fact a little selfish) then fuck it, she'd make a crappy friend anyway.

I would like some.

I'd like my brain to stop making me dream about someone who moved away three months ago and isn't coming back, thx. Gimme awesome dreams of fantastical adventures or something, not impossible romance that makes me sad waking up.

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[ SECRET POST #3774 ]

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