fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3998 ]

[ SECRET POST #3998 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3998 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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If a friend came to you looking for tangible, legitimate reasons not to kill themselves, what would you say?

I don't mean reasons like "because of flowers and dogs." I mean, like real, achievable/touchable/tangible/etc. reasons.

I have a friend looking for reasons, but I feel like I'm not much better off, tbh. :/

You’ll hurt the people around you and be a financial burden in all likelihood.

This is my go-to when I'm suicidal.

Suicide is incredibly traumatizing for other people. It's not just friends or family members. It harms the police and EMTs who have to get involved. It harms the people who have to clean up the mess. If you kill yourself in a messy way, or aren't found in a very short period of time, then your rotting body can cause serious damage to the room and furnishings around it. That can be a huge burden on whoever owns that building (not to mention the stigma of someone having died in it, if they ever plan to sell the property).

And someone has to pay for all of this crap. Even if you aren't given a costly funeral, dying still often costs thousands of dollars and someone will be on the hook for it.

But beyond the pragmatic aspects, I focus on the people who would be hurt by it if they found out. Now I have people I'm close to. Do I want my gf to come over to visit and walk in on a corpse? Fuck no. Do I want the people I work with, both my crew and other people in the industry, to be stuck feeling guilty for the rest of their lives? Of course not. But even when I didn't have anyone, we're always surrounded by people who genuinely want nice things for us. The cashier at the grocery store, the waitress at the restaurant, that dude who was nice to you once in middle school, none of those people would be happy to hear someone they'd met had killed themselves.

I don't want to make other people feel this way, so I don't kill myself.

I found this post really touching and beautiful. Thank you.

yw

I've spent a lot of my life dealling with suicidal feelings. I've had a lot of time to think about this shit.

The last time it got really bad was a couple months ago. I kept thinking, this is it. It's not going to get any better than this, and this still sucks. But I couldn't' figure out any way that wouldn't fuck up everyone else too much. Like, I thought about walking over to the train tracks nearby... but train engineers deal with that shit so much and it's such a huge emotional toll for them. I'm not going to make some innocent dude feel like a murderer. Then I was like, well I'll get a gun and go into the woods so my corpse doesn't trash this hotel room because the owner and his family seem nice and they're immigrants like me.... but then it's gonna be some hapless jogger finding my blasted open corpse, and what if it's a kid who finds me? That's fucked up, I can't do that to someone.

I've seen friends get shot, I've been around when people die. I've even walked in to a place and found a dead body when a dude I knew OD'd. It sticks with you forever.

About 15 years ago, I was doing research for a term paper and long story shot, I found that bare-bones cremation service (i.e. they cremate the body and give you the ashes in a bag or something, no fancy casket or service and no burial) will run you at least $1000 if you live in a very large city. Smaller cities and towns, it would cost you more, and I'm sure it's more expensive everywhere now, 15 years later.

A few years ago I was temporarily living in a small city for a job. One of my coworkers suddenly and unexpectedly died of natural causes. When his son came to claim the body, he told me that the cheapest cremation he could get in that town cost over $3000. He had no other option, because the hospital would only release the body to a funeral home and he wasn't about to drive cross-country with a corpse, anyway. That was on top of having to take time off of work and travel to where we were, neither of which he could easily afford.

Dying is expensive.

Dying is incredibly expensive. We had someone in my industry die a couple years ago, leaving behind his 80-something year old wife. Someone set up a donation drive thing to pay for a basic funeral service, and it was somewhere in the ballpark of $8-10k.

For me this kind of thought makes it worse. Because guilt, first, that I can't even die without hurting people. Then I feel angry, because what, people can't even die without people all up in their face about it?

IDK, I feel like guilt tripping already fragile people into staying alive can backfire a bit. I don't know if living or dying purely for other people instead of yourself works too well long term.

This is my feeling as well FWIW

I feel like it doesn't help in terms of de-escalation

Is there a movie they're looking forward to? An author they love whose book is coming out in the next year or so? Sometimes a person holds on by looking forward to a small good thing. It doesn't have to actually matter more than flowers and dogs; it just has to be something you really are looking forward to and don't want to miss.

My responses would probably be along the lines of: one, just because you're in pain right now (no matter how huge that pain feels) doesn't mean you're always going to be in pain. two, the idea that you should kill yourself is most likely a result of your brain chemistry being fucked up.

I don't think framing the question in those terms is really good, generally. Partly because, philosophically, I don't think it's easy to give a concrete answer to that. And partly because people who are very depressed are very likely going to reject any answer you could give as unsatisfactory, because of the aforementioned brain chemistry problems.

All the good, small moments that are worth experiencing? Laughing at a comedy. Being hugged by your mom. The feeling when someone likes a gift you got them. Being praised for a job well done. Baking cookies. Smelling fresh cut grass. Seeing a movie you were excited for. Riding a roller coaster. Finishing a great book. YMMV, but I think of all the things that make me happy or intrigued and how I have to stay alive to do them. It doesnt have to be profound, just worth feeling.

Flowers and dogs sounds like a good reason to me, but that's because I grow flowers and have a dog.

The feature is uncertain so you have to wait and see what it holds for you.

When I get to this point, I try and think of the things I don't want to miss. A new video game coming out. The end of a series I'm enjoying. Giving everyone their Christmas gifts. The birth of my new nephew. But by far the best thing to do when I'm feeling that way is to talk to someone who cares about me. It's difficult because mental illness makes us believe we're worthless and unloved, and makes us isolate ourselves, but even just putting a Facebook post up saying "I need someone to talk to right now. Is anyone awake?" Or an anon comment on somewhere like F!S if you don't feel you can talk to anyone else can help. Strangers can be shitty sometimes and you might get the odd arsehole saying you're attention seeking. It helps knowing that someone, somewhere cares.

I have several loved ones who are going through this right now and if I can't see them in person, I sent them a text every day asking how they're doing and telling them I miss them. I hope you and your friend get the help you need. xxxxx

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[ SECRET POST #3998 ]

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