fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4032 ]

[ SECRET POST #4032 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4032 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[resized, not a repeat]

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03.

[Elsa Pataky]

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04.

[Hawaii Five-0 (2010 remake)]

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05.

[Ilia Kulik]

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06.

[Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad and The X-Files]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 12 secrets from Secret Submission Post #577.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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How do you explain your need for time alone to people who don't understand? My need level seems to go up and down, decreasing when life is good, but increasing when I'm having mental health issues.

My sister is visiting. She's a complete extrovert. And we've all been doing things constantly for the past few days. So everyone else wanted to go to the movies today. I drove home while they went. I'm still having headache issues from the cedar pollen, and frankly I just needed a couple hours to myself.

My sister, it seems, was offended that I didn't want to go with them and thinks I just don't want to spend time with her. And I don't know how to convince her otherwise. I love her. She knows things about my our parents don't know. I don't know how just wanting a few hours to myself makes her think I don't want to spend time with her. But that's how she feels.

I just tell them. Shit, I'm not even 40 and I'm like this old lady: https://twitter.com/TonyAtkinsFOX13/status/951311581832450049

Is your sister an adult? I'm just surprised anyone older than 16 needs this explained to them. Honestly, she's not being very reasonable so I'm not sure there's a magical combination of words that will make her understand if she doesn't already.

If you've already been spending lots of time together for the last several days, then your sister's reaction doesn't seem at all reasonable to me. Like, I wouldn't attribute that to someone's extroversion, I would attribute it to selfishness. It's like the intersection where neediness and entitlement meet.

I'm not sure how you could address this with her, mainly because I have serious doubts that her problem is that she doesn't understand introversion. It seems more like she just doesn't respect what you want when it differs from what she wants.

+1 It's not difficult to understand if you have even a little bit of empathy.

I dunno, I just say so. 'I really needed some down time, my allergies were bothering me, and i knew I'd be cranky, so I passed. Sometimes i just need to be alone and decompress.'

Frankly, if she wants to be all pissy and 'hurt' about it, the less explanation the better. 'You know I like hanging out, i've done that for the last few days, but today I needed to be on my own. If you want to take that in a bad way, I can't stop you.'

If she was willing to understand then she'd be understanding about your needs rather than turning it back on you. I'm friends with a lot of hyper-extroverts and they don't expect me to keep up with their crazy-ass schedules.

I don't explain it, I guess. I use JADE a lot irl (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) when I'm in these sorts of situations. I know I come across pretty cold and uncommunicative sometimes, but whatever. I'm not willing to go around in circles with people.

ime it's best not to give excuses for it. Like, in your post you mention having a headache? For me, if I mention something like that then... idk... it makes people just dismiss the whole thing as being whiny. Like "you don't really need time alone you just have a headache, so take some aspirin and deal" or whatever. So I don't include reasons, and I don't phrase it in a way they can really argue with.

I say something like "I'm going to go chill alone for a few hours" or "I'm going to take a break, I'll call you in a while" or something like that. Short and sweet with the bare minimum of info. And then if they press I just keep reiterating it by saying things like "I'm wore out, man" "Nah I need to chill a while" "I need some quiet time to recharge" and so on.

It sounds less like she doesn't understand, and more that she expected to be the center of attention for her entire visit and is sulking because you're not playing along with that expectation.

Unless she's very, very young, there's no real excuse for not accepting "I just needed a couple hours to myself". You don't need to explain yourself further, she needs to re-examine her expectations and get over it.

How old is your sister? I dunno, I have to agree with some of the comments here that she doesn't sound particularly reasonable. "I have a bad headache and need to rest for a bit" isn't hard for people of moderate intelligence to grasp. Unless they're super entitled and dgaf about other peoples' needs.

Just let her know: hey, you know /(should know by now) how I am. I need a few hours to recharge and my allergies are killing me. We'll continue hanging out later."

If she hasn't seen you for a while, I can understand her feeling like she has he no time with you, but you should remind her that you've spent many hours together already. you just need a break. by yourself.

The biggest breakdown, is your goal to educate your sister or to manage the situation?

If you truly don't think she gets it, there's lots of metaphors, comics, websites. You can sit down with her and explain that having fun together is tiring, like playing a sport. Taking a break after a few hours of soccer doesn't mean you hate soccer, it means you've gotten tired and you need to rest so you can play more later.

If you just want to manage the situation, be brief "I had a headache and I needed some quiet time." and then let her say whatever she wants and just stick to the simple facts "I would have loved to have gone, but I had a headache and I needed some quiet time." It's a good time to bring out the "I'm sorry you feel that way." non-apology. "I'm sorry you felt like I was ignoring you, but I had a headache and I needed some quiet time." If she recruits others to let you know how upset she is, do the same thing "I had a headache and I needed some quiet time, I don't know why this is such a big deal."

Another useful technique, gently go on the offensive. If she brings it up, immediately turn it back on her. Why is this so important to her? Why was she bothered by it? Why does she feel this way? Why does she think that? Why why why? Turn everything right back to her and don't let her get you on the defensive. "You hurt my feelings!" "Why are your feeling hurt?"

But probably the most important thing, her feelings are not yours to manage. If she wants to believe skipping a movie is proof positive that you hate her.... there's no force on heaven or earth that can change her mind but her. You make a reasonable good faith effort to tell her the truth, but if she wants to be offended over nothing then you can't blame yourself.

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[ SECRET POST #4032 ]

Question for fellow introverts

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