fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4158 ]

[ SECRET POST #4158 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4158 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 17 secrets from Secret Submission Post #595.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's amazing how many people think OP is super judgy for not wanting to know what's in their MIL's wank bank. Are people really that into knowing what gets their elders off in the name of tolerance, or is there a lot of reading comprehension fail in this thread?

"I have a hard time not screaming at her for being a pathetic POS" goes wayyyyy beyond what you're talking about

So you're... mad that OP has strongly negative feelings about it that they keep to themselves? Please explain.

Because those feelings seem wildly, wildly disproportionate and unreasonable and frankly cruel, even strictly as emotions. and because OP doesn't really frame it as an irrational emotion or feeling, but as fact - they just straight-up say that their MIL is being pathetic. It's neither true, nor necessary, nor kind.

I dunno. I think it's frustrating to see someone consistently engaging in dysfunctional relationships with creepy douchebags IRL, and then to see that mirrored in fandom AND having to put up with that person's swooning and romanticizing of said douchebags when they don't want to hear it could drive someone over the edge.

But OP said they have a hard time not calling their MIL pathetic, which strongly implies they haven't done it. So as wildly disproportionate, unreasonable and cruel as those feelings might be, OP has kept them to themselves. That's a good thing. I don't see the point of coming down hard on them for having feelings just because you disapprove of those feelings.

1) I'm not saying it's not frustrating, I get why it would be frustrating. And it's definitely better that OP would keep their feelings to themselves than that they would call their MIL pathetic. But just because it's better than the alternative doesn't mean that it's good, you know?

2) It's certainly possible that OP mostly has in mind MIL's IRL dating behavior. It's even possible that OP actually has in mind some totally unrelated stuff that their MIL does that they don't even mention in the secret.

But, as presented here, the secret really comes across like it's the MIL's fangirling that makes the MIL a pathetic piece of shit. I'm sure the IRL dating and the gushing about it is part of it, but the way that it's presented, it really seems like OP has a problem just with the fact that MIL likes these characters at all. And, to me, it's going too far to call someone a pathetic piece of shit for that.

Maybe that's an incorrect interpretation. Who knows? But I think that's why people are responding to it the way they are. The secret seems extremely vitriolic.

1) Sure. But I'm not willing to bring the ragehammer down on OP for having strong negative feelings about something. People who live in glass houses and all that. Surely we've all been there?

2) It's possible OP has in mind some totally unrelated stuff that their MIL does, but... they specifically brought up her IRL dating. I'm going to go with that being a motivation for why MIL's choice of crushes might be infuriating.

Nah, can't agree. Again, OP specifies that they object to the MIL's fangirling around OP.

The phrase "pathetic piece of shit" is just so strong and exceptional. It really takes it to a different level than having negative feelings for a lot of people, especially with the addition of OP saying that they would be "screaming".

The way that you frame and express your negative reactions does affect how people respond to them - I'm not sure that you can just draw a black box and call it "negative feelings" and never comment on what's inside it. And, again, OP doesn't even frame it as an emotional reaction, OP just states it like it's a fact, which also affects how people interpret it.

It's possible OP has in mind some totally unrelated stuff that their MIL does, but... they specifically brought up her IRL dating. I'm going to go with that being a motivation for why MIL's choice of crushes might be infuriating. Nah, can't agree. Again, OP specifies that they object to the MIL's fangirling around OP.

OP objects to several different things but the phrasing of the secret makes it seem as though OP finds the crushes objectionable in themselves, not only objectionable because of the gushing or the reminder of IRL behavior. She calls the crushes "gross", and she doesn't just object to the gushing, she objects to the gushing "over dudes young enough to be her son". I think, at the very least, it's extremely reasonable to read OP as disliking the crushes themselves, and not just the gushing.

I can speak from a little personal experience - when you've seen someone really fuck up their life and possibly their family's lives via their poor life choices, it's really easy to resent the hell out of that person for never getting help or learning to do better. If you've never been in that position, I imagine it's harder to see that... but I envy your good fortune.

Sure, OP dislikes the crushes. But you have to consider the context, which OP also provides.

I understand where you're coming from when you read the secret. I'm not even saying you're wrong. But I also think that the way that most people are reading it is very reasonable, even if you don't agree with it.

At the beginning of this thread, you said that it was reading comprehension fail (or that people want to know "what gets their elders off in the name of tolerance"). That's the part that I really disagree with you on. The reason people think that OP is judgy isn't because of reading comprehension fail, it's because OP called their MIL a pathetic piece of shit.

/shrug We agree to disagree. I think someone who makes terrible life choices and makes their family suffer for it, then rubs salt in the wound by fangirling over douchebags similar to the IRL douchebags that caused so many problems in front of someone who doesn't want to hear any of this is an asshole, and I can completely understand why OP would be furious.

I said reading comprehension fail because so many people read the secret and think that OP is against fandom in general or older people in fandom or wants to dictate who their MIL fangirls over. I think that's a pretty significant misread of the secret text.

Yeah...there's "I don't want to know your sex stuff" which is totally normal, and there's "I don't want to know and I worry that your choices in celebrity crushes influences bad relationship choices in real life" which is...I guess valid sometimes, and then there's "These things make me feel violently angry towards you and I have a hard time controlling the urge to scream insults at you" which is a bit OTT.

Telling actors you like or think are hot is not the same as sharing your "wank bank." Do you not get excited when you see an actor you like in something? Do you not talk about that with the people nearby or the people in your life? I'm pretty sure most people do that.

And I don't think the OP is exactly hiding her own fangirlness, or the MIL wouldn't feel so comfortable about sharing. So OP is a hypocrite.

OP said "gush". It's one thing to mention which actors you find attractive. It's something completely different to sit there while your relative leers and lips their lips over someone's abs or tight ass.

And I don't think the OP is exactly hiding her own fangirlness, or the MIL wouldn't feel so comfortable about sharing. So OP is a hypocrite.

Now you're really reaching. You've seriously never heard of people who are so enthusiastic about a topic that they overshare? You've never heard of people in fandom who miss social cues and go on and on about things that non-fandom people look askance at?

Gushing doesn't equate to leering and licking her lips over someone's abs and tight ass, what the fuck.

Going on about your celebrity crush's new project/interview/how generally awesome they are aren't they awesome let's watch that movie for the tenth time is gushing. And it can be really, really annoying, but acting as though it makes someone a pathetic piece of shit makes the person doing the judging 1) an asshole and 2) a hypocrite if they hang out in fandom spaces where we do that all the time.

I said that to make a point that there is a type of gushing that could easily strike an unreceptive audience as icky.

But the point is, the person in question wasn't doing this in a fandom space. They were doing it to a person who wasn't interested in the topic, without regard to that person's feelings.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #4158 ]

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