fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4218 ]

[ SECRET POST #4218 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4218 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Margot Robbie as Queen Elizabeth I and Saoirse Ronan as Mary Queen of Scots in Mary Queen of Scots (2018)]

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[Little Richard]

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[Jane Austen]

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[Joss Whedon, The Nevers]

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[God Eater 2]

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[Anthony Bourdain, Asia Argento]

Notes:

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I'm way too old to be asking this question, but all of my relationships have ended amicably/due to outside circumstances. I'm in a relationship now of a couple months, and I'm just not feeling anything. No attraction anymore. My partner is an awesome person and we have a lot of similar interests, but I just feel awkward and I don't think my attraction is going to return. I want to end it, but I'm the worst in the world at being assertive and the thought of having "the talk" really terrifies me. I don't know how I'll be able to make the words come out.

Any advice? Should I do this in a public space where we can both "get away" or in the privacy of one of our apartments, where potential emotions won't be so humiliating? Should it be a break up the moment we meet up, or at the end of a night after doing something together? I want to end it as kindly as possible, with respect for someone who I like a lot in a platonic way. Is it better to be quiet and not "pretend" from here on until we have the chance to meet up, or is that rude? I don't want to blindside them.

I know I'm being immature, I'm just really scared to do this.

This is never an easy thing to do, but you're doing the right thing if you're not feeling it. :( Personally I would do it in a private place. No matter how nicely you do it, he will feel hurt, or humiliated and need to lick his wounds for a bit. Maybe at his place so he can have some space to be alone after.

I can appreciate the idea of doing something nice together first, but it will just be prolonging the inevitable and might just further cement the relationship from his point of view. If you have a lot of similar interests, you could propose that you stay friends, but don't feel bad if he needs some time to digest things first.

You're not being immature, and it just shows what a good person you are that you're so concerned about his feelings. There are people that drop relationships so casually without any consideration. My first relationship ended with me getting dumped via a quick phone call. So please don't be hard on yourself. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. <3

Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply.

Your thoughts make perfect sense, it's just hard to know how to get the timing right. We usually meet on weekends and do something first, then go back to one of our apartments. I don't want to set a "trap" for them by pretending to be on a nice date and then turning it upside down on them, but if I don't work up the courage to have the conversation right away, am I then stuck waiting another week or can I have the talk before going home.. It's hard for me, and I know me being scared and indecisive is just prolonging the inevitable and being more hurtful and disrespectful toward them but I don't know how to set all the pieces up so the setting and timing will be perfect. I also get that I shouldn't overthink this, and having tough conversations is part of being an adult (and for the record, I'm definitely an adult...)

Thanks again for your nice reply, I appreciate it!

The timing is never going to be perfect, and if you try to stage it too much, it's going to feel manipulative. Call them before the weekend and let them know that you need to talk. It would be preferable if you could meet sometime during the week, but if that's impossible, then do it first thing on the weekend. Don't do the fake date thing first. Do go somewhere that's private enough that no one's going to stare if someone starts crying. It's going to suck, but the best thing for both of you is for you to do it soon. Good luck.

Yeah, I know it's hard to not overthink this. :( Knowing that you've made your decision but just need to break the news is a really stressful place to be in. If it would be possible to meet with him during the week instead of the weekend then I'd recommend it; not just for his sake, but yours as well, as this is clearly causing you a lot of anxiety and worry and you shouldn't have this stress hanging over you for another week.

Unfortunately, there's no perfect timing for the conversation either way, and on the day it might seem easier to put it off or see how things go for another week. But I'd really recommend getting in touch with him as soon as is reasonable and saying you need to talk, make sure he knows first that you still care for him platonically and that you'd like to stay friends if he's comfortable with it, but that this relationship just isn't the right fit for you.

All the best. <3

Do it in private. Public breakups have the potential to be too humiliating. I would also say it's better to do it when you meet up rather than at the end of the night. That way you aren't totally throwing them for a loop or making them feel like they've been lied to bc you were out having fun together all day and now you're breaking up.

As for how you should act, I don't think "pretending" is the way to go, but I also don't think you should do a 180 and be totally cold to them until you can meet. You're only a couple months in so I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume you don't end every conversation with declarations of undying love.

You mentioned being unsure if you'll be able to work up the courage to have the conversation right away....

Write down what you want to say and bring it with you. That way, worst case you can just read it off. Don't prolong the inevitable if you can help it. If you think this person is swell, they deserve the chance to find someone right for them. The longer they're with you, the longer that'll take.

I'm nearly 40 and I've never broken up with anyone either. I've only been dumped.

I suggest the other person's apartment, if possible. Thinking back to a particular dumping where we were at his place, I was lingering because I was trying to come to grips with it and thought we ought to talk it over more (useless) and I also didn't feel like driving home right then. Meanwhile, he felt too bad about dumping me to make me just leave already. Would have been better for both of us if we'd been at my place instead and he could have just left when everything had been said and I wouldn't have had to go anywhere or face anyone right away. I can't predict how your partner will react, of course, not knowing the two of you or what your relationship has been like. Still, I think being able to show yourself out is better than having to kick the dumped person out (if they don't rush out of their own accord).

Honestly, there's never going to be a great time to do something like this. I agree with the previous comments - don't do this in a public space unless you're worried your partner will get violent. I'd try to do it at their place, so you can leave right after and they don't want to worry about breaking down in public or trying to find their way home. Don't do it after a date or evening activity. That won't make it easier, it'll just make your partner feel like you strung them along for no reason.

And don't bullshit and say things you don't truly mean, just to be "nice". It really doesn't work, and it's crueler in the long run. I mean, obviously be as kind and compassionate as you can, but don't lie, don't give them false hope of getting back together someday, stuff like that.

You might stress what you've said here - you think they're an awesome person, you like them a lot, but you don't think the relationship is working out and you wish them luck. Understand that you might not be able to be friends after this and don't push for that.

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