[ SECRET POST #4248 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4248 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 15 secrets from Secret Submission Post #608.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

05. https://i.imgur.com/dZqxoy4.png

Transcript by OP

[fscom]

(collapsed for length)

Re: Transcript by OP

[fscom]

So, years ago I was part of a fanfic exchange. Everything was good until one year I dropped the ball and failed to deliver a request. I made promises to the requester and played around with ideas. Nothing spoke to me or motivated me, and pushing myself to write something yielded fuck all. Though we spoke many times after that, the person who had made the request said nothing of it, and I eventually forgot about everything.

Months before the exchange. I had written what I had considered my best story at the time, hoping to submit it in a contest. The exchange recipient held a fandom specific contest. Unfortunately, they had chosen to exclude entries for the saga of the series I had written my fic specifically for (they found some things to be rather distasteful in that particular saga). So instead I submitted it to a different, general fanfic contest.

It was largely ignored by the community in favor of everyone else's fics, but especially the community BNF, who wrote for more popular fandoms. I didn't mind until the contest holders posted another of BNF's fics... with a similar title to mine. I know it's lame, but it felt like a gut punch (and the friend I vented to offered little in the way of sympathy). My story won an honorable mention, for which I should be grateful, but to me, it was a sad consolation prize. I pretended I was happy but inside I was wishing they would take it back in exchange for people actually talking about the story itself. I had poured my heart and soul into that story, and nobody cared. Yes, I realize it's my fault for submitting to the general contest. But I just wanted some recognition.

Looking back, I wonder if this experience caused me to subconsciously retaliate on the individual who basically blocked my story from their contest. Obviously, they didn't ban me from writing for a different saga, but then, I wasn't really inspired to write for the others, so...I dunno. I wasn't trying to NOT write for the individual, but there was this unusual block in my mind and I've never been able to figure out why. I'm possibly overthinking this, but sometimes I feel like a dick about it.

tl;dr Submitted fic banned from one contest to general fic contest instead; had bad experience. Host of 1st contest later became my fic exchange assignment. I failed to deliver. :(

[(Anonymous)]

I don't... understand any of this?

[(Anonymous)]

As far as I can tell: OP failed to deliver on a fic exchange, and they wonder if it was subconsciously because they'd previously had a bad experience with the person they were supposed to be writing for.

[mishey22]

I feel like this isn't told in order, or something? Or, like, it seems like it's going one way and then goes another, more confusing way?

I dunno

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I wrote fic, hoping to submit it to Contest A.

Holder of Contest A said while they allow fics for the series, they don't allow fics for that particular saga.

I submit to Contest B instead. My fic gets mostly ignored.

Months later, a fic exchange is held. Contest A holder is participating and I get assigned to write for them. For some reason, I can't bring myself to write anything for them, and I wonder if it's subconscious.

The secret was a lot longer but I had to cut it down to get it to fit into the 750x750 space while getting across what a disappointment the experience was. I guess I failed.

Re: OP

[mishey22]

Thank you for taking the time to explain, OP. This makes sense to me now.

I'm sorry that you were so disappointed by the whole thing, I probably would be too, honestly.

Re: OP

[tabaqui]

Yeah, you kinda told it out of order in the secret, but no worries.

Re: OP

[silverr]

Well, for what it's worth this briefer summary actually helped me understand (and empathize) so here's at least one person you didn't fail.

[(Anonymous)]

I hope the fic was more coherent than this secret.

[(Anonymous)]

Lmao mte

[(Anonymous)]

What?

[tabaqui]

I'm sorry your story was ignored, and that your hard work didn't seem to get any reward at all. That always sucks.

But Anon - let it go.

[(Anonymous)]

It wasn't just about the story being ignored. It was also making the poor decision of confiding in someone who I later realize was lacking in the empathy department. And then me later screwing someone over because of it. Though I'm sure the fic exchange isn't even remotely on their radar anymore.

And for the record, I'm not upset about the actual fic anymore. I recently found the old folder containing the failed exchange attempts, so that's been more on my mind than anything else.

[(Anonymous)]

Probably. But if it's any consolation, you probably wouldn't have been able to fill the fic request for anyone. It sounds like you were understandably bummed out and hurt by everything that happened and really just needed some time to get your head back together.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm going to be blunt, OP. You sound like a spoiled brat. Honorable mentions are pretty damn good, and it feels like you're pitching a fit and took it out on someone else because you didn't get to submit your fic where you wanted and then didn't get first fucking place.

[(Anonymous)]

Um, I didn't care about placing at all.

I'm referring to general recognition, not prize recognition. At the time, I was like: Keep the prize, somebody just pretend the fic exists. Had I been able to submit to the other contest, it would have been talked about.

[(Anonymous)]

But contests aren't...why not just post the fic to an archive? Don't you get plenty of recognition for the story itself? Why do you need a contest for recognition?

I totally get why hurt feelings would kill your muse, though. In future, go to the organizers and try asking for a different recipient, explaining simply that you have a conflict of interest. It happens all the time in gift exchanges.

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds like that could have been the problem. Sorry OP, sometimes even if the rational mind is willing, the subconscious is like FUCK THAT, and you have to work through that first to get anywhere creatively.

[(Anonymous)]

Just dropping by to say I loved the use of the teal deer. :P

[silverr]

haha, seconded.

[(Anonymous)]

I AM SO HAPPY YOU NOTICED ME SENPAI

[(Anonymous)]

I don't really have a lot to say about this because I have never really ever participated in fandoms with this level of activity. What I would say: spare a thought for those of us who pour their heart into fics and get less than 10 hits on AO3. Yeah, it stings alright. Plus, I don't have a damn person on earth to squee with or chat to. I hate that but it doesn't deter me. You learn to appreciate yourself and your own fics. Fuck recognition. Van Gogh's paintings sold for fuck all when he was alive. Remember that.

[(Anonymous)]

THIS. So hard.