[ SECRET POST #4348 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4348 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



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02.
[Greg Sanders from CSI and Jennifer Jareau from Criminal Minds]


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03.
[She-Ra]


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04.
[Downton Abbey]


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05.
[Red Dead Redemption 2]


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06.
[Undertale]


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07.
[The Final Table]















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 11 secrets from Secret Submission Post #622.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

How are they projecting that denial? By saying "oh, just wait, when you have kids you'll love them too"? Well, guess what, that's a typical thing for parents to say to non-parents regardless of how they feel about their own kids.

[(Anonymous)]

It is typical, but it does bother me, because it's fundamentally untrue.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think it's untrue. You can love your kids and resent the hell out of them at the same time. You can love your kids and treat them like crap. These aren't mutually exclusive things.

[(Anonymous)]

This is a bummer conversation and I'm sorry and please feel free not to respond. But with that said -

First of all, I'm not sure that it's actually true that all parents do love their children, across the board. Second, even if that is true, the implicit argument underneath the statement - that everyone should have kids, that it's worth having kids, that you'll agree that it's worth having kids after you have them - is definitely not true. Even though it's accepted as a commonplace.

It doesn't really matter either way I guess. I hope everyone makes the right choice for themselves.

[tabaqui]

This. The 'you'll love them no matter what' bit *is not true*, and some people just should not be parents.

[philstar22]

This. I agree with this. I don't want kids. Never have. I think I'm capable of loving specific ones (my sister's kids, for example, if she ever has any, would be adored by me). But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want any of my own. And yes, when people say this, there is this implicit idea that everyone should have kids, everyone wants kids (and if you don't, something is wrong with you, or you'll always change your mind because no one could not want kids ever), and that everyone will always change their minds about all of this. Which simply isn't true.

So I honestly find this statement insulting. Like, they are telling me that I'm wrong to not want kids and that my own plans for my life are wrong and should change because they aren't the same as theirs.

I'm happy that now I can simply cut them off and tell them I physically can't have kids. But a lot of people I know will probably just suggest adoptions. Which is great for those who want it. But I don't want kids. I used to think that I might someday adopt. But I've realized I'm never going to want kids and that I wouldn't make a good parent.

[(Anonymous)]

I think you're right, but it's fuzzier than that. Most people love their kids, period. Some people may indeed have led happier lives without them, but once you have kids, you are probably going to love them dearly, and therefore not "regret" them. Regret sounds like "I would undo this if I could" and if you love someone the way most people are wired to love their kids, you would never ever press an undo button.

Is it true that some parents don't love their kids? Sadly, yes. But that certainly does not apply to every parent who accidentally became a parent or didn't want to become a parent. It doesn't mean that they made the best choice in committing to raising kids, or that they are in denial about how great things could have been. But you can - and probably will - still love your kids even if they came to you with huge personal sacrifice.

[chamonix]

I agree with this. Mourning a life you had before and simultaneously loving your children so much you'd move mountains for them is, well, a thing. An extremely common thing. I often dream of the luxuries of time and self-care I had before children, but I would not undo my decision for the whole world.

[(Anonymous)]

Seconded so hard.

[(Anonymous)]

What else are they going to say? "Yeah, I just don't love my kids. That might happen to you!"

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know what they should say. It just bothers me.

[(Anonymous)]

To someone who has said that they don't want children? How about, "Okay."

Parents are not obligated to try to convince anyone other than themselves that parenthood is the best thing ever.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, I didn't know this person was someone who said they didn't want to have children considering that is NO WHERE IN THE COMMENT OR SECRET.

[(Anonymous)]

The secret maker specifically mentions unplanned pregnancies and "those who openly don't want children."

[(Anonymous)]

So you think that someone who "openly doesn't want children" really does want children and is just looking for someone to convince them? Sounds about right.

[(Anonymous)]

No, sounds like a testy assumption on your part and another "all parents are pushy and insulting to non-parents".

No, we aren't. Most of us couldn't give a damn about your choices.

[(Anonymous)]

You sound kind of touchy. Rough day with the kids?

[(Anonymous)]

This. I love dogs, but I also recognize that there are plenty of people out there who don't love or want dogs, so if someone says they don't want a dog, that's fine. It's not my place to convince them that dogs are great and that they should get a dog. I don't understand why people can't understand that the same thing holds true for kids.

[rosehiptea]

I'm a parent but I really don't get that. Why would I even want to have an opinion on whether or not someone else has kids?

[philstar22]

This. No one has to force their own life choices on others. And generally, it is not socially acceptable to do so. Except for parents. Parents are allowed to tell everyone else they should have kids, and it somehow isn't seen as rude even though it is pretty rude.

[(Anonymous)]

someone once said something like this to me and i told them i can't afford to properly raise kids. that seemed to make them drop the subject.

[philstar22]

You're lucky. There are people I know who would not be deterred by that. I'm hoping that now that I physically can't have them, that will shut them down. I hope.

[(Anonymous)]

You will then get, "Oh but there's always adoption!"

[(Anonymous)]

My carer at the special-needs adults school said I should have kids to help me put my life together HOW ABOUT NO?!

[(Anonymous)]

Rubbish. Of course it's rude, and no parents I know (and I know a lot) would think otherwise.