fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4348 ]

[ SECRET POST #4348 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4348 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Greg Sanders from CSI and Jennifer Jareau from Criminal Minds]

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03.

[She-Ra]

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04.

[Downton Abbey]

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05.

[Red Dead Redemption 2]

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06.

[Undertale]

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07.

[The Final Table]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 11 secrets from Secret Submission Post #622.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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01. https://i.imgur.com/cZXioqE.png

How are they projecting that denial? By saying "oh, just wait, when you have kids you'll love them too"? Well, guess what, that's a typical thing for parents to say to non-parents regardless of how they feel about their own kids.

It is typical, but it does bother me, because it's fundamentally untrue.

I don't think it's untrue. You can love your kids and resent the hell out of them at the same time. You can love your kids and treat them like crap. These aren't mutually exclusive things.

This is a bummer conversation and I'm sorry and please feel free not to respond. But with that said -

First of all, I'm not sure that it's actually true that all parents do love their children, across the board. Second, even if that is true, the implicit argument underneath the statement - that everyone should have kids, that it's worth having kids, that you'll agree that it's worth having kids after you have them - is definitely not true. Even though it's accepted as a commonplace.

It doesn't really matter either way I guess. I hope everyone makes the right choice for themselves.

This. The 'you'll love them no matter what' bit *is not true*, and some people just should not be parents.

This. I agree with this. I don't want kids. Never have. I think I'm capable of loving specific ones (my sister's kids, for example, if she ever has any, would be adored by me). But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want any of my own. And yes, when people say this, there is this implicit idea that everyone should have kids, everyone wants kids (and if you don't, something is wrong with you, or you'll always change your mind because no one could not want kids ever), and that everyone will always change their minds about all of this. Which simply isn't true.

So I honestly find this statement insulting. Like, they are telling me that I'm wrong to not want kids and that my own plans for my life are wrong and should change because they aren't the same as theirs.

I'm happy that now I can simply cut them off and tell them I physically can't have kids. But a lot of people I know will probably just suggest adoptions. Which is great for those who want it. But I don't want kids. I used to think that I might someday adopt. But I've realized I'm never going to want kids and that I wouldn't make a good parent.

I think you're right, but it's fuzzier than that. Most people love their kids, period. Some people may indeed have led happier lives without them, but once you have kids, you are probably going to love them dearly, and therefore not "regret" them. Regret sounds like "I would undo this if I could" and if you love someone the way most people are wired to love their kids, you would never ever press an undo button.

Is it true that some parents don't love their kids? Sadly, yes. But that certainly does not apply to every parent who accidentally became a parent or didn't want to become a parent. It doesn't mean that they made the best choice in committing to raising kids, or that they are in denial about how great things could have been. But you can - and probably will - still love your kids even if they came to you with huge personal sacrifice.

I agree with this. Mourning a life you had before and simultaneously loving your children so much you'd move mountains for them is, well, a thing. An extremely common thing. I often dream of the luxuries of time and self-care I had before children, but I would not undo my decision for the whole world.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2018-11-30 12:19 (UTC) - Expand

What else are they going to say? "Yeah, I just don't love my kids. That might happen to you!"

I don't know what they should say. It just bothers me.

To someone who has said that they don't want children? How about, "Okay."

Parents are not obligated to try to convince anyone other than themselves that parenthood is the best thing ever.

Oh, I didn't know this person was someone who said they didn't want to have children considering that is NO WHERE IN THE COMMENT OR SECRET.

The secret maker specifically mentions unplanned pregnancies and "those who openly don't want children."

So you think that someone who "openly doesn't want children" really does want children and is just looking for someone to convince them? Sounds about right.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2018-11-30 23:53 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2018-11-30 23:57 (UTC) - Expand

This. I love dogs, but I also recognize that there are plenty of people out there who don't love or want dogs, so if someone says they don't want a dog, that's fine. It's not my place to convince them that dogs are great and that they should get a dog. I don't understand why people can't understand that the same thing holds true for kids.

I'm a parent but I really don't get that. Why would I even want to have an opinion on whether or not someone else has kids?

This. No one has to force their own life choices on others. And generally, it is not socially acceptable to do so. Except for parents. Parents are allowed to tell everyone else they should have kids, and it somehow isn't seen as rude even though it is pretty rude.

someone once said something like this to me and i told them i can't afford to properly raise kids. that seemed to make them drop the subject.

(no subject)

philstar22 - 2018-11-30 01:13 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2018-12-01 23:26 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2018-11-30 07:49 (UTC) - Expand

Rubbish. Of course it's rude, and no parents I know (and I know a lot) would think otherwise.

While I don't necessarily like these particular movies, the one that came to mind for me was The Ya Ya Sisterhood. There are some really visceral, upsetting scenes in it where the mom clearly is ready to call it quits, & she & her daughter have a lot of complicated interactions (though she does, ultimately, love her).

I'm also annoyed that IRL you get weird looks when you tell people NOT to have kids unles they really & truly want them. It's so engrained in our culture that people don't know how to respond to the opposite, especially if it's coming from a parent. We REALLY wanted kids, which wasn't possible naturally, so we had to do IVF. But pregnancy is hard on the body & on your relationships; women & AFAB people die from pregnancy complications. Giving birth is dangerous. Recovery can be difficult, & maternal mortality rates are on the rise in some States (like mine). And that's WITH healthcare! The only reason anyone should have to face those risks & go through that is if they REALLY WANT kids, imo

Yes, fuckin' yes!!
Especially with unplanned parenthood, more often than not they don't even have the means to look after, let alone properly care for a child. Of course it always manages to work out in TV and Movies- but unplanned means unplanned! Even wanting a child, there is just so much responsibility there, that just never goes away. Pregnancy alone is enough to be put off from having kids, let alone the absolute horrors of giving birth...
Parenthood is just so glamorized I can't even believe it;;

The absolute worst though, is when games/shows force a character to reconnect with their abusive family. Obviously not a single one of those writers had to deal with such a thing themselves... Certain situations are just plain toxic- and being forced back into them, forced to make nice with people who don't deserve even an ounce of forgiveness or respect, is the worst thing you can do to just about anybody... Most of these situations come from unplanned parenthood, or when parenthood becomes too much.
So when having a child is used as a device that solves all of a characters problems, I can barely even stand it...

(I got so off topic there for a while;; I realized it after I wrote too much to backspace it all, and then just floundered to bring it back to the point...;; sorry bout that;;)

I AM a parent and I totally agree. I hate hearing "Oh you'll find a way!" and "You'll love them when you have them!" NO no no no. I am absolutely on board that not everybody needs to have kids and people that don't want kids are probably going to be crappy parents. You don't want to have kids? Great. That's a great idea. Wish more people felt like that.

(having worked with abused kids in my career is probably why I'm so 'mean' about it.)

I don't have much to add here other than: 👍

The discussion itt has been really awesome.

I don't want kids either and I hate when people question it. Some even seem like they enter interrogation mode.

What I hate is being told that I'm a more selfish person because I don't have children. Some parents seem to literally believe that they are better people because they have kids.

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