fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4412 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4412 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid]

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03.

[Haunted (on Netflix), "The Slaughterhouse"]

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04.

[Criminal Minds]

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05.

[The Promised Neverland]

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06.

[British rapper Big Narstie]

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07.

[Criminal Minds season 4, episode 13, "Bloodline"]

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08.

[Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 50 secrets from Secret Submission Post #632.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ehhhh... Only you can decide for yourself but I'd be very cautious about having kids to fulfill some sort of future fantasy:

"I'll openly admit that part of the reason I'd want a child is the hope that I'll one day be able to have the kind of relationship my mother has to me"

That sets off alarms, tbh. I totally understand why you'd want this, but that's something that will take decades to happen and might never happen at all. And while you say you know there's no guarantee your kid will feel the same... well, it's hard to let go of treasured daydreams and it's also hard to NOT impose it on your kid, even if you don't intend to. I'd warn against having children just so you can manufacture a future BFF. I'd also caution that in your fantasies about child-having... you're probably picturing just the good parts. Have you done much baby-sitting? The hard core stuff: shitty diapers, sick kids, screaming kids, kids throwing up and terrorizing the cat, etc. etc.

Having no network to help out is a big drawback as well.

I'm not sure this is entirely fair. Like OP, I was enjoying my life as it was, but knew my vision for the future contained children even though I didn't miss having them at the time. And also like OP, my relationship with my own mother was a large reason for that vision; I very much wanted to experience such a positive and loving relationship from the other side. I'm perfectly aware that my daughters and I are not my mother and I, and that both of them are their own individual characters and our relationship must grow naturally. But I don't think it's quite fair to cite "warning bells" for wanting children because you've experienced a fulfilling relationship with your own parents. I'm not sure I can think of many better reasons, actually.

Having experienced the care of two newborns / now toddlers, however, I think the true pitfall in this scenario is your afternote - the lack of support network. That is what may cause stress, exhaustion, burnout and possibly PPD, and is the area that needs to be attended to.

"I don't think it's quite fair to cite "warning bells" for wanting children because you've experienced a fulfilling relationship with your own parents."

That wasn't what I was saying. There's nothing wrong with having that parent/child relationship as one factor in why you want children. It's a little worrisome if it's the main reason, though. The warning bells are also about creating a human life in order to get a shot at a long-ways-off fantasy ideal. Kids are highly unpredictable like that and it's a bad idea to have them and hope they'll grow to fit your fantasy.

And yeah, I probably didn't stress the lack of support enough. I can't imagine trying to have a kid with no family and no friends to help, at least in emergencies. What happens if you're both down with the flu and can barely function?

I really think it's unavoidable having a fantasy if what your children might be like and hoping you have a particular kind of relationship with them. That's just so fundamentally human and part of the mental processed around impending parenthood. The important part is to be aware of the fact that it IS a fantasy, and to be open above all things to your child developing their own personality independent of your vision. The OP's posts in general give me the vibe that she is pretty aware of her own thought processes.

*sigh* I'm not saying never have dreams and fantasies about your future life with your kids. I'm saying it's not a great idea for that fantasy to be the MAIN reason why you decide to have one. I think the OP is smart to think about this, but the problem with dearly held fantasies is that they cloud one's judgment and even when you think you're being rational, sometimes you're just not.

Sure, I can see that. As long as OP is reasonably self-aware (which she seems to be).

Fingers crossed. Raising kids is hard as shit even when you have a partner and plenty of financial and emotional support AND your head on straight.

Agreed. Even when you have all your ducks in a row, you could still have PPD, still have shit hit the fan, still find out you were more in love with the IDEA of having a kid than actually having one, or maybe your kid is sick and screams ALL THE TIME. It's a roll of the dice, tbh.

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