[ SECRET POST #4412 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4412 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.



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02.
[Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid]


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03.
[Haunted (on Netflix), "The Slaughterhouse"]


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04.
[Criminal Minds]


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05.
[The Promised Neverland]


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06.
[British rapper Big Narstie]


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07.
[Criminal Minds season 4, episode 13, "Bloodline"]


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08.
[Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider]












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 50 secrets from Secret Submission Post #632.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I'm aroace and nearing that age where I have maybe the next year to decide if I should try to have a baby. Money won't be a problem, but I've only been in the city for a year. My nearest family is hours of travel away, and my social network is mostly co-workers, none of which I feel I could comfortably ask to babysit on a regular basis. The only people I know outside of work are those I meet through a hobby I'll have to stop doing for months after birth, and for which I'll need a babysitter if I want to take it up again.

I've lived alone since I started college, and I've never felt lonely for it. I value my family very much, and I'll openly admit that part of the reason I'd want a child is the hope that I'll one day be able to have the kind of relationship my mother has to me - even if I very much know that there is no guarantee that my potential child will feel the same way. I've never been particularly interested in children and at no point have I ever wanted them in particular. But I've spent the last few weeks imagining my life with a child around, and in my fantasies, at least, it's one that I like.

So to people on F!S with children: should I try to have one, or let it be?

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I've never been particularly interested in children and at no point have I ever wanted them in particular. But I've spent the last few weeks imagining my life with a child around, and in my fantasies, at least, it's one that I like.

Okay to be honest, I'm gonna start with this. As a non-parent, kids are pretty fucking permanent (unless you're doing it wrong), and as much as I loved helping raise my niece and having her in the house full time for the first few years of her life (because her mother's mother is a bitch, but that is another story), it's a huge leap from basically glorified babysitting to actual parenthood.

Kids are a full time gig. You say that you've never super felt the urge to have kids, so I feel like this is more a 'I should have kids before it becomes unviable', and not, 'I would like a child because I love kids and right now my life is incomplete without them'.

I would suggest fostering as a 'try before you buy' type deal, but I know from a co-worker's experience that unless (and even if) you're fostering babies and small children, that comes with more difficulties than baking your own from scratch and raising it.

Because you don't really have a support system in place should things not go the way you plan, I can't say that I think having a kid just because seems like a great idea. If you can though, and you have access, I would consider talking to a professional (therapist etc) about this, walk through with them your whys and reasons for considering, and also think about the cons.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like this is more a 'I should have kids before it becomes unviable', and not, 'I would like a child because I love kids and right now my life is incomplete without them'.

It's a combination, I think. A cousin my age recently had a baby she wasn't at all planning for. She was extremely upset when she discovered her pregnancy and her boyfriend had to talk her into keeping the baby. As it turns out, she's perfectly happy as a mother. I think part of my thoughts right now are "if she is happy now, why shouldn't I be?"

Talking to a professional isn't a bad idea. I think I'll give that a shot.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[tabaqui]

Maybe consider becoming a foster parent or even a big sister first? To see if it's for you? Because fantasies are just that, and you do *not* know what it would actually be like, at all.

And then maybe consider adopting? Tons of kids out there need a home, and unless you have some *need* for it to have your DNA.....

I have a daughter, and I love her more than anyone in the world, but i never felt the 'need' for a kid, was happy to have just her, did not, will not, and don't babysit, and am *extremely* happy she doesn't want children at all. I'm lucky that i was able to stay home with her and that she's a pretty damn awesome person, but it's not something everyone should do, or needs to do.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

There was the context I forgot to mention: I'm not in the US. Nearly all adoptions around here are from other countries, most of which only allow adoptions to straight couples. It follows that adoption is hella expensive. Making the baby myself is by far the more realistic option, and I only have a couple of years until that statistically becomes difficult.

I have a daughter, and I love her more than anyone in the world, but i never felt the 'need' for a kid, was happy to have just her, did not, will not, and don't babysit, and am *extremely* happy she doesn't want children at all. I'm lucky that i was able to stay home with her and that she's a pretty damn awesome person, but it's not something everyone should do, or needs to do.

That's exactly it: This is the kind of relationship I'd like to have at some point in the future. Your feelings about children mirror mine, and I imagine that I'd be happy to have a child of my own, even if I've always been less than interested in the children of other people. I could make a list of things I'd have to sacrifice in order to have a child, and I'm pretty confident that none of them are important enough for me to regret giving up on them if I could have someone I'd feel that way about in my life.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I've never been particularly interested in children and at no point have I ever wanted them in particular.

No. No, you should not.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I'd agreed a year ago, but I've recently seen someone sharing my previous feelings become a very competent mother.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

A person having never particularly wanted kids is not the same as a person not wanting kids. For that matter, plenty of women who really want kids end up finding themselves frustrated and even resentful of motherhood when they have to handle the realities of it 24/7. OP seems just as likely to be a good parent as anyone, imo.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[greghousesgf]

THIS

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

It really just comes down to whether you want a kid for the sake of having a kid.

You can always try to build up a stronger support network and make other changes to accommodate parenthood, especially if money is not a problem. It sounds like you vcould make it work if it's what you want, but it has to be what you want. You don't have to have a baby just because you can.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not unhappy not having a child, so it's more a question of me being even happier if I had one - and I have honestly no idea. Having the baby at all is going to cost me at least quite a bit of effort if not quite a bit of money, so it's really more a question about how harrowing life as single mother really is. Thank you for the vote of cofidence!

Re: Should I become a single mother

[chamonix]

This is tricky, because the advice of "try fostering or caring for kids beforehand" is not necessarily the answer to how much you'll enjoy your own kid, though it will probably be invaluable practice for the sheer physical and mental toil. But before I had my two daughters, I wasn't particularly interested in other people's children. I knew that my vision of the future involved having a similar family to the one I'd grown up in (mother, father and one sibling) but I was enjoying my life and it actually took my husband pushing the issue for me to take the plunge. My vision has now become a reality and while I would literally claw my own face off for my own children, other people's kids still don't elicit any sort of "baby fever" in me. I guess what I'm saying is, don't consider it a total deal-breaker if a fostering experience doesn't awake rampant maternity in you. It doesn't mean you won't feel it for your own children if and when they come along.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

There is no good reason to have a child except because you actually want to be a parent. You seem to be more in the FOMO stage of not really wanting a child, but worrying that you'll regret not having one someday.

Here is the thing, though. Your ability to parent is not inextricably tied to your fertility. If you decide that you want a kid after that ship has sailed, then foster or adopt.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think it's FOMO, becaues I know I'll be happy without a child as well. Thing is, I don't know if I'll like to be a parent until I'm there.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

Ehhhh... Only you can decide for yourself but I'd be very cautious about having kids to fulfill some sort of future fantasy:

"I'll openly admit that part of the reason I'd want a child is the hope that I'll one day be able to have the kind of relationship my mother has to me"

That sets off alarms, tbh. I totally understand why you'd want this, but that's something that will take decades to happen and might never happen at all. And while you say you know there's no guarantee your kid will feel the same... well, it's hard to let go of treasured daydreams and it's also hard to NOT impose it on your kid, even if you don't intend to. I'd warn against having children just so you can manufacture a future BFF. I'd also caution that in your fantasies about child-having... you're probably picturing just the good parts. Have you done much baby-sitting? The hard core stuff: shitty diapers, sick kids, screaming kids, kids throwing up and terrorizing the cat, etc. etc.

Having no network to help out is a big drawback as well.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[chamonix]

I'm not sure this is entirely fair. Like OP, I was enjoying my life as it was, but knew my vision for the future contained children even though I didn't miss having them at the time. And also like OP, my relationship with my own mother was a large reason for that vision; I very much wanted to experience such a positive and loving relationship from the other side. I'm perfectly aware that my daughters and I are not my mother and I, and that both of them are their own individual characters and our relationship must grow naturally. But I don't think it's quite fair to cite "warning bells" for wanting children because you've experienced a fulfilling relationship with your own parents. I'm not sure I can think of many better reasons, actually.

Having experienced the care of two newborns / now toddlers, however, I think the true pitfall in this scenario is your afternote - the lack of support network. That is what may cause stress, exhaustion, burnout and possibly PPD, and is the area that needs to be attended to.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

Adopt a puppy. See if you can deal with having to constantly 'be on' with one. If you can't, no. If you can, wait another year then see if you still want one.

Having a child should not be something that you feel 'meh' about.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

Having a child should not be something that you feel 'meh' about.

I used to feel "meh" about it, but I'm recently finding that I don't. And while I appreciate the suggestion, I don't think the puppy comparison is entirely apt. Dogs can be home alone for a few hours, to mention just one part.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I am a parent, albeit not a single one (though I do have a couple of friends who are intentional single parents). We started with no support network locally, so babysitting/childcare can be an issue, but once you have a child and start meeting other parents, the network kind of builds itself.

But don't base your decision on that. Kids are hard work. And expensive. If you're going into it half-hearted, or because you think you should be having one, it may be best to take a step back. Not trying to suggest you would be a bad parent, but once done it can't be taken back.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I don’t think you should have kids unless you really want them, not got you, but for the kid. Remember, it’s not just a baby, it’s also a 4 year old and a preteen and a teen and an adult whose needs you will often, regularly need to put before your own. That’s fucking hard, and you have to really commit yourself to raising another human being. It’s not about being fun or even rewarding for the parent - it’s about giving the child it’s best possible shot no matter what.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

IMHO the only reason you should have kids is if you really really really want kids. "I don't really like actual kids but I'm kinda liking the fantasy kid who never screams for four hours at a time or has diarrhea or gets to be a teenager who talks back" is just a recipe for misery, for both you and the potential kid.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

No. Everything about what you've said here is a red flag as to why you SHOULDN'T have a kid.

Wanting to have a child because you hope to get something very specific out of it is a terrible reason to have a kid. Kids are their own human beings with their own personalities and likes and dislikes. You may never be able to have the same type of relationship with your potential kid that you had with your own mother because they may not turn out to be the type of person who wants to have that sort of relationship with their mother. Would you really, truly be okay with that?

The fact that you outright say you've never been particularly interested in kids or wanted them is also a huge red flag. Everyone I know who has had kids and been genuinely happy with the decision has wanted children for quite some time and had been planning for kids as a part of their life. They knew what sort of sacrifices they would have to make going in and they were prepared for it because it was something they had been considering for a while.

Kids are a pain in the ass. They're messy, they're smelly, they're obnoxious, they're exhausting, and when they're yours, you can't just hand them off to someone else when you're tired of them. I can't tell you how many times I've babysat my friend's daughter for an afternoon just so she could get some decent sleep or get some basic household chores done, and this is WITH her having a husband who is very involved in child-rearing. You say you don't have any family around and no real social network... what do you plan to do when you absolutely need a break from the kid for a little while? Because you will. All parents do. Having that support network is absolutely vital even with a devoted partner.

Also, when you have a kid, you're stuck with them for at least the next 18 years of your life. You can't undo the decision to have a child if you end up changing your mind and you owe it to them to give them the emotional support and love they need regardless of how you feel about them. The fact that you're questioning whether not it would be a good idea and asking other people for their opinions is a sign that you aren't actually prepared to make that sort of commitment.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I think the fact that you're seriously considering such a massive undertaking which you know will be a ton of work over many years, suggests that you probably want a child more than you actually seem to. Because here's the thing: if you were genuinely neutral on having a child, then all the reasons not to have one would probably make the decision not to have one very easy for you. In your case it seems more like, on some level, you genuinely do want a child, but you're also aware that the "cons" column may outweigh the "pros" column. Which leaves you feeling neutral about becoming a parent - the desire and the dissuading factors are close to equal for you. (OTOH, if you're reading this and thinking, "No actually, it really is something I only vaguely kind of want," then I think you need to figure out for yourself why you're still considering it despite so. many. cons.)

Personally, I might start by doing a kind of "worst case scenario" exercise. Imagine that after you have a baby, for several years you're going to feel as harried and tired as you currently do on your worst days. Imagine that being your new normal, and you just have to keep chugging away.

Then, imagine how you'll feel if, in fifteen years, you never became a parent.

If the sadness and/or claustrophobia of one scenario outweighs the sadness and/or claustrophobia of the other, you may be a bit closer to making your decision.

I know that's pretty pessimistic, but I just don't think you can count on the alleged "rewarding" aspects of parenthood being enough to get you and your child through in good shape.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

I am a parent to an infant. I think it's impossible to predict how you will find it. Everyone reacts differently.

It's hard work even with a partner. Every day is a rollercoaster. But it's also amazing.

The only solid advice I can give you is, if you know someone with a kid then babysit as much as you can for them. Work out the budget you'd have and try living on it.

Good luck with your decision.

Re: Should I become a single mother

[(Anonymous)]

Another thing to take into consideration: Even if your baby is born perfectly healthy, shit happens. My Mom gave birth to two perfectly healthy babies. My younger brother suffered a severe allergic reaction when he was 6 months old resulting in seizures and now he's a 35-year-old man with the mental age of a toddler who needs 24/7 care. Then me, the "healthy" one, suffered a traumatic brain injury when I was 18 which resulted in me having to relearn how to walk, talk, etc.

So keep that in mind when weighing the pros and cons. Would you be able to handle it if your child ever became disabled? Just something to think about.