fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4412 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4412 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid]

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03.

[Haunted (on Netflix), "The Slaughterhouse"]

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04.

[Criminal Minds]

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05.

[The Promised Neverland]

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06.

[British rapper Big Narstie]

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07.

[Criminal Minds season 4, episode 13, "Bloodline"]

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08.

[Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 50 secrets from Secret Submission Post #632.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think the fact that you're seriously considering such a massive undertaking which you know will be a ton of work over many years, suggests that you probably want a child more than you actually seem to. Because here's the thing: if you were genuinely neutral on having a child, then all the reasons not to have one would probably make the decision not to have one very easy for you. In your case it seems more like, on some level, you genuinely do want a child, but you're also aware that the "cons" column may outweigh the "pros" column. Which leaves you feeling neutral about becoming a parent - the desire and the dissuading factors are close to equal for you. (OTOH, if you're reading this and thinking, "No actually, it really is something I only vaguely kind of want," then I think you need to figure out for yourself why you're still considering it despite so. many. cons.)

Personally, I might start by doing a kind of "worst case scenario" exercise. Imagine that after you have a baby, for several years you're going to feel as harried and tired as you currently do on your worst days. Imagine that being your new normal, and you just have to keep chugging away.

Then, imagine how you'll feel if, in fifteen years, you never became a parent.

If the sadness and/or claustrophobia of one scenario outweighs the sadness and/or claustrophobia of the other, you may be a bit closer to making your decision.

I know that's pretty pessimistic, but I just don't think you can count on the alleged "rewarding" aspects of parenthood being enough to get you and your child through in good shape.

You can call it pessimistic but plan for the worst, hope for the best, you’ve given solid advice here lol

It's also important to keep in mind that it's much better to NOT have a kid and regret it than it is to have one and regret it.

So you don't have a kid... so what? There are plenty of ways in which you can spend time around children if you feel like you need kids in your life. Be a Big Sibling. Offer to look after your friends' kids sometimes when they need a break. Volunteer with children. There are lots and lots of options and not having a kid of your own doesn't mean that you'll never be able to share a close, loving bond with a child.

But if you do have a kid, you can't just take it back to the hospital if you decide a couple of years in that you made the wrong decision. You've got this kid now and you have to take care of it and fulfill its needs whether you actually want it or not.

I don't consider that pessimistic, I consider that practical.

Your first paragraph is very insightful and exactly the feel I'm getting from OP's posts. Sounds like she really does want a kid, or all the cons would be a hard no for her. Instead, she's trying to carefully plan how to deal with them. I think you're right that she seems to want a kid more than it comes across from the measured way she's weighing it up in this thread.

OP seems as qualified as most parents I know. The only thing that would concern me is support network, although OP also said she's stay with family for the first few months which is a very good start. I don't see red flags here. No situation is ever perfect enough, and if everyone waited til it was, literally no one would ever have children. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

OP seems as qualified as most parents I know. [...] I don't see red flags here. No situation is ever perfect enough, and if everyone waited til it was, literally no one would ever have children.

I completely agree. I feel like a lot of people are either holding OP up to unreasonable standards of parenting, or projecting their own experiences with bad parenting onto OP, or both.

Honestly, of all the people I know, I have some of the highest standards for what makes a good parent. But I also firmly believe that predicting who will be a good parent and who will be a bad one is a lot more complicated than picking apart a stranger's comment on the internet. Some people become parents for seemingly good reasons and hate it. Some people become parents for misguided reasons and end up loving it. Some people think they love children and turn out to be bad parents, and some people think the don't like children and turn out to be great parents. Some people have all the resources and are neglectful and judgmental parents. I could go on and on.

I mean, the basic advice of "Do not think of parenting as though it were a montage in a movie; it will be exhausting in a ways you probably haven't imagined yet" is valid advice. But it's assuming a lot about an adult woman to assume she isn't already deeply aware of that and isn't already factoring it into her decision.

If anything, I suppose one of the question I'd recommend OP ask herself is whether she is prone to believing in her own idealistic imaginings. Because we all have idealistic imaginings, but different people believe in them to different degrees. Some people are easily swept up in their simplistic ideas of how things will be, and are constantly being shocked when things don't live up to their imaginings. Other people are rarely shocked by the mundane and challenging realities of life. If OP is more the former sort of person, I would absolutely caution her to get a good bit of experience with actual childcare before committing to anything. But if she is the latter sort of person, I think her own judgement is probably quite trustworthy on this matter.

And really, the reality, IMO, is that the majority of people have children. And the majority of people aren't that great at it. As long as a person is fundamentally fit, financially capable, and determined to try one's damnedest, why shouldn't they?

x1000. Great post.

I think some people are conflating “should I have a child” with “can I be a good parent to an unexpected child when I have doubts about my commitment to parenthood” in a way that is not fair to this hypothetical baby. OP doesn’t want a child and never has. They just don’t want to regret not having a child after their eggs dry up because they had a couple of daydreams about having a child that weren’t awful. “I might regret not getting one when I’m older” is an ok reason to get a tattoo. It’s a stupid reason to get pregnant.

This. The simple answer is: if you are not 100% committed to the idea of being a parent, don't do it. Children deserve that 100% commitment.

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