fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4412 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4412 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid]

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03.

[Haunted (on Netflix), "The Slaughterhouse"]

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04.

[Criminal Minds]

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05.

[The Promised Neverland]

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06.

[British rapper Big Narstie]

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07.

[Criminal Minds season 4, episode 13, "Bloodline"]

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08.

[Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 50 secrets from Secret Submission Post #632.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Maybe consider becoming a foster parent or even a big sister first? To see if it's for you? Because fantasies are just that, and you do *not* know what it would actually be like, at all.

And then maybe consider adopting? Tons of kids out there need a home, and unless you have some *need* for it to have your DNA.....

I have a daughter, and I love her more than anyone in the world, but i never felt the 'need' for a kid, was happy to have just her, did not, will not, and don't babysit, and am *extremely* happy she doesn't want children at all. I'm lucky that i was able to stay home with her and that she's a pretty damn awesome person, but it's not something everyone should do, or needs to do.

There was the context I forgot to mention: I'm not in the US. Nearly all adoptions around here are from other countries, most of which only allow adoptions to straight couples. It follows that adoption is hella expensive. Making the baby myself is by far the more realistic option, and I only have a couple of years until that statistically becomes difficult.

I have a daughter, and I love her more than anyone in the world, but i never felt the 'need' for a kid, was happy to have just her, did not, will not, and don't babysit, and am *extremely* happy she doesn't want children at all. I'm lucky that i was able to stay home with her and that she's a pretty damn awesome person, but it's not something everyone should do, or needs to do.

That's exactly it: This is the kind of relationship I'd like to have at some point in the future. Your feelings about children mirror mine, and I imagine that I'd be happy to have a child of my own, even if I've always been less than interested in the children of other people. I could make a list of things I'd have to sacrifice in order to have a child, and I'm pretty confident that none of them are important enough for me to regret giving up on them if I could have someone I'd feel that way about in my life.

Is fostering not an option? I really would do the 'do something with children first' thing, because if you don't really like kids, and aren't around them much, you'd be amazed at how utterly ...annoying and gross they can be. And exhausting.

I don't know you, obviously, and it's not a huge risk, but there's no actual guarantee that you would instantly and overwhelmingly be in love with any kid you had, and until you're right down in it, it's impossible to say what kind of relationship you'll have with any child you take care of.

Not trying to bum you out or anything, but you're kinda doing the 'rose colored glasses' thing here, or at least that's how it's coming across to me. It might be the best thing ever, it...might not. But don't go into it blind.

Fostering requires some kind of formal training, and for singles there is specifically a requirement about a social network that I (at least at present) don't really have. Then there's that biological time limit I'm facing. Six months of training and interviews before waiting for a potential child that might stay for years once it's in my life will mean I'll be very late when I reach the point of deciding whether I'll pursue parenthood.

you're kinda doing the 'rose colored glasses' thing here, or at least that's how it's coming across to me

That's what I'm afraid of, since my only knowledge of raising children is seeing other people do it.

That's what I'm afraid of, since my only knowledge of raising children is seeing other people do it.

If that's how you really feel, then i would say no, just...don't.

It's just that I never before considered children. Now that I am, the idea appeals to me - but I don't know how much of that idea is rooted in reality. I could be idealizing things, but I'd like to think I'm not.

That social network requirement is important. My friend raised her son without any help from parents and I was her only friend who bothered to help. That was with her partner working full time to help financially even if he did zero housework and baby stuff.

If you have unlimited finances and you can pay for a live in nanny then maybe I can see it working, but it is completely soul draining. You may be suffering post-partum depression, trying to function on only a couple of hours of sleep for YEARS after that child is born. It's very very difficult to do basic things like sleep and shower and buy groceries without another adult around to mind the baby. It's easy to picture strapping a baby to you in a harness and having full use of your hands plus company, but babies hate everything. They hate the harness. They hate noises. They hate other people. They screech at everything, hysterically cry and vomit at the same time. It's super fucking hard all the time and you're human and you will need time off.

I can very likely stay with my parents for the first months of motherhood, at least until daycare is an option. It isn't really the infancy I'm worried about, but what comes after. If my life is going to be nothing but work and child, is that something I'll be happy doing? I've heard tales landing on both sides of that fence.

Honestly, even as a couple, having a broad support network is so important. The first couple of years of having a baby are some genuine hell on earth, I'm gonna be completely honest with you here. You lose so much sleep that you feel sick and run down all the time, you'll lose time for your hobbies and then you'll be so used to foregoing them that it becomes harder and harder to take them back up again, you're having to balance keeping up with chores on top of everything-- and this is with a partner and a swathe of family and friends to help! Having those other people in my life is honestly the only reason I retained my sanity. Having my daughter is wonderful now that she's a little more independent and we're able to have a little bit of our own lives back, but I genuinely cannot imagine bearing that kind of stress as a single parent without a big support network underneath me.

Honestly, reading this I think you sound mature and willing enough for the considerable sacrifices necessary. I think it's pretty clear that your wish for a child is genuine and you have the responsibility needed to carry it through. If the only hesitation you have is that you haven't necessarily bonded with other children up until now, you might find you feel very differently when you actually have your own child.

Of more importance I think is the issue of local support. Being a single mother is already hard, but to do it with few family or close friends around to provide a support network does introduce the risk of you becoming isolated and overwhelmed. Having a newborn is extremely isolating and I barely coped even with a partner to look out for me, make sure I was able to get meals or the occasional shower... Small things like finally getting the baby latched after a whole hour trying, then realising you are parched but now you're trapped and can't get up for another hour. Someone around to help with those small things is totally invaluable. I think the most important thing you should think about establishing before you embark on parenthood is some kind of support network in place to safeguard your own physical and mental well-being.

Edited 2019-02-02 22:36 (UTC)

Thank you for the vote of confidence <3

I can take time off from work until the hypothetical baby would be old enough for daycare, and I know my parents would be happy to take me in for a few months. The thing I'm hesitant about is what comes after. My social life is still in a place where I only meet people through a common hobby once a week, so the thing I'm afraid of is that if I don't have that, I'll have no life outside of work and home. Which I understand is the norm for a lot of parents with small children, but at least most of them have partners.

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