Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2019-04-02 04:55 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2019-04-02 04:55 pm
[ SECRET POST #4470 ]
⌈ Secret Post #4470 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 33 secrets from Secret Submission Post #640.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 03:57 am (UTC)(link)Nah, it's okay. I didn't think it mattered when I wrote the original post, but in retrospect I should've been more clear about things because I do feel like it's makes at least somewhat of a difference. I feel like her having a husband, and me being a woman as well makes the situation a bit different, and I don't know why I didn't realize that at first. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't know what to think at this point. I'm not thinking totally clearly because of this whole situation, plus I'm somewhat sleep deprived, so I apologize for leaving things out.
It is more than okay to end a relationship simply because you don't want to be in it anymore. I think it's better than staying physically when you're emotionally absent from it, because both are painful, but at least one is honest.
All of these comments are making me realize that.
I think the decision to tell you about her feelings is a very deliberate action, and it's one that you yourself, wisely chose not to make. You don't choose how you feel, but you do get to choose how you act on your feelings and how you treat others. I do, respectfully, think that she is in the wrong. Her gender and your reciprocation of those feelings don't change my opinion on that point, because it's still a deliberate betrayal of her spouse.
I get that. I always thought leaving your spouse instead of cheating was the right thing to do, and since we're not having an affair, neither of us did anything wrong. But I guess the fact that she told me she had feelings for me is itself not that different from cheating, and yeah, when I think about it, the fact that she told me is what's complicating things so much. I guess if she had decided right off the bat to leave her husband it would be different, but the fact that's she's staying with him so far and he has no idea what's going on and she's seemingly unable or not wanting to make a decision is what makes her actions wrong. That...seems so simple now that I think about it.
nayrt
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 04:09 am (UTC)(link)>I get that. I always thought leaving your spouse instead of cheating was the right thing to do, and since we're not having an affair, neither of us did anything wrong.
It's not just the fact that she told you, though. Like, imagine if your friend came to you and said 'OP, I'm not sure what to do, I just found out my partner has serious feelings for their colleague but they think that because I don't know and they aren't doing anything that it's fine. Should I just act like it is? Do you think they've done anything wrong?'.
This why it's 'something wrong'; it's not so much the action or inaction as much as the honesty or dishonesty.
same nayrt
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 04:10 am (UTC)(link)Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 04:22 am (UTC)(link)I understand that this is a very emotional situation for you. You are not having a physical affair, but what you have told me is the definition of an emotional affair, at least on her part. If you are reciprocating and telling her you have feelings, then you are taking an active part in an emotional affair as well.
For most monogamous couples, there's no real difference between a physical and an emotional affair when it comes to finding out you're being cheated on. Both are hurtful, and both are disrespectful to current partners.
I think an emotional affair can be easier to justify to yourself, because you can think well we haven't done x, y, or z, so it's not cheating, right? Or it's okay to talk about these things because we're friends - which... I doubt your partner and spouse would see it that way considering the content of these talks. You're not a neutral party she's venting to.
If you both have feelings, I can see why you'd both like to justify this behaviour because it's easier than confronting the fact that you've crossed a line, but I think it's healthier in the long term to establish firm boundaries now you're aware of the potential harm you're doing and the guilt you'll feel if you continue trying to justify this.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:01 am (UTC)(link)You're right. I haven't wanted to admit these things for a long time, but several comments in the thread have been a reality check for me, so although it kind of sucks to hear, it's something I needed to hear, so thank you.
At this point I'm thinking the best course of action is to end things with my girlfriend, then tell my coworker to let me know if/when she leaves her husband, and also accept the fact that that might not happen.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:41 am (UTC)(link)Like I also get why you might be unwilling to hold it against your colleague; I’m presuming it might be just as confusing for her, and she might’ve had a (pretty understandable) and natural reaction of wanting to reach out to someone else for help in a difficult time, and who better than the person she knows and trusts and like, right?
It’s not odd or wrong to feel that way, but the action she took, whether she meant it or not, put you in a very awkward spot and was pretty inconsiderate because you are like the absolute furthest from a neutral third part in the whole shebang. She shoulda taken it to a therapist or to her own spouse or something like that. But people don’t always do what they should, or know what that is - like, I should’ve been less of a dick in the earlier reply, but I didn’t because hey, it’s the internet, and I was just shooting off a reply mostly.
Maybe try to find people irl to chat with or think about like, what it is you DO want out of a relationship or what an ideal relationship would be like for you. Like it’s obviously about more than just… comfort or convenience or accessibility or attraction, what sort of life goals or whatever does that have? I don’t doubt you find your colleague interesting and all, but if this did go forward, do you know what a life together would be like?
woops replied to ye wrong comment
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:49 am (UTC)(link)Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 07:02 am (UTC)(link)You're welcome. I think you've done well to listen without getting defensive. It's a difficult position to be put in when you have feelings of your own.
I think that's the best possible way to handle things. I would be careful not to give the impression that you'll be waiting. I know that you have feelings for her, but I think you should put yourself first and not let her use you as a backup plan.
Be single for a while. Spend time with friends you don't have complicated feelings for. Take care of you.