Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2019-04-02 04:55 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2019-04-02 04:55 pm
[ SECRET POST #4470 ]
⌈ Secret Post #4470 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 33 secrets from Secret Submission Post #640.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 04:22 am (UTC)(link)I understand that this is a very emotional situation for you. You are not having a physical affair, but what you have told me is the definition of an emotional affair, at least on her part. If you are reciprocating and telling her you have feelings, then you are taking an active part in an emotional affair as well.
For most monogamous couples, there's no real difference between a physical and an emotional affair when it comes to finding out you're being cheated on. Both are hurtful, and both are disrespectful to current partners.
I think an emotional affair can be easier to justify to yourself, because you can think well we haven't done x, y, or z, so it's not cheating, right? Or it's okay to talk about these things because we're friends - which... I doubt your partner and spouse would see it that way considering the content of these talks. You're not a neutral party she's venting to.
If you both have feelings, I can see why you'd both like to justify this behaviour because it's easier than confronting the fact that you've crossed a line, but I think it's healthier in the long term to establish firm boundaries now you're aware of the potential harm you're doing and the guilt you'll feel if you continue trying to justify this.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:01 am (UTC)(link)You're right. I haven't wanted to admit these things for a long time, but several comments in the thread have been a reality check for me, so although it kind of sucks to hear, it's something I needed to hear, so thank you.
At this point I'm thinking the best course of action is to end things with my girlfriend, then tell my coworker to let me know if/when she leaves her husband, and also accept the fact that that might not happen.
Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:41 am (UTC)(link)Like I also get why you might be unwilling to hold it against your colleague; I’m presuming it might be just as confusing for her, and she might’ve had a (pretty understandable) and natural reaction of wanting to reach out to someone else for help in a difficult time, and who better than the person she knows and trusts and like, right?
It’s not odd or wrong to feel that way, but the action she took, whether she meant it or not, put you in a very awkward spot and was pretty inconsiderate because you are like the absolute furthest from a neutral third part in the whole shebang. She shoulda taken it to a therapist or to her own spouse or something like that. But people don’t always do what they should, or know what that is - like, I should’ve been less of a dick in the earlier reply, but I didn’t because hey, it’s the internet, and I was just shooting off a reply mostly.
Maybe try to find people irl to chat with or think about like, what it is you DO want out of a relationship or what an ideal relationship would be like for you. Like it’s obviously about more than just… comfort or convenience or accessibility or attraction, what sort of life goals or whatever does that have? I don’t doubt you find your colleague interesting and all, but if this did go forward, do you know what a life together would be like?
woops replied to ye wrong comment
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 05:49 am (UTC)(link)Re: Realizing you have feelings for someone else when you're in a relationship...
(Anonymous) 2019-04-03 07:02 am (UTC)(link)You're welcome. I think you've done well to listen without getting defensive. It's a difficult position to be put in when you have feelings of your own.
I think that's the best possible way to handle things. I would be careful not to give the impression that you'll be waiting. I know that you have feelings for her, but I think you should put yourself first and not let her use you as a backup plan.
Be single for a while. Spend time with friends you don't have complicated feelings for. Take care of you.