fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4535 ]

[ SECRET POST #4535 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4535 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 09 secrets from Secret Submission Post #649.
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Physically and existentially.

I stand on my feet 7 out of the 8 hours a day that I'm at work. Today my mid back actually went numb. I'm off tomorrow tho, thank God. And I tend to stress if a coworker is having trouble of some kind, worrying a bout whether or not they're going to be ok. Yeah I'm pretty exhausted.

In a so far fruitless attempt to prove to my doc and myself that I’m not a fat lazy lump, I’ve walked an average of 6.7 miles a day so far this year. Also, lately I’ve been attacking the weeds in the park strip (I live on a corner, so I have 2 sides to do) with extreme prejudice, and my arms, hands, back, and shoulders all hate me for it. The pile of weeds to be composted is now bigger than I am.

I'm tired of feeling lonely and useless and unlovable and like a pointless lump of flesh.

Physically I've been sleeping great so that's something.

physically? ME/CFS. that's the root of all my other problems. can't work, so I can't change anything about my living situation which is terrible, living with this person and in this location it's not possible for me to experience any happiness. cried yesterday because I was tested for a type of cancer and found out I don't have cancer. I don't really want cancer I just want to be dead sooner.

Same here. I've had it for over twenty years. I hate the unrelenting flu-like feeling and the brain fog and all the rest of this bastard illness. I hate that most people don't accept what I say about it. I hate what it's done to my relationships.

I'm sorry you're so far down, anon. Hugs, if they would help. Have you heard about the Stanford research? Someone's discovered a biomarker, which is a step in the right direction at last.

ayrt

*low five to conserve energy*

yes other people suck and do not get it. I'm just not able to have any optimism now. I did years of graded exercise therapy when that was the current science thing and it made me worse. I'm happy for other people if they're optimistic. I'm sorry you're on the suck train with me.

omg I love "low five".

The suck train is also a great turn of phrase.

I'm sorry you wasted your time and energy on graded exercise, it's such an appendix (functionally useless and can give you serious grief.) I just ~~overdid it~~ overdo it on a regular basis. Haven't got the knack of pacing myself after all these years. But at least the CBT/GET scam seems to be over and we can all carry on doing what works for us

ie rest, in my case. Hope you can manage that too.

Physically, fibro and cfs on top of working 40 hours a week on my feet running around cleaning up everyone else's messes.

I work as a cashier and feel like I can't take talking to so many people for hours every day anymore. At the end of each shift, I feel like I'm ready to murder people and then sleep for 5 years.

because I just walked 3.5 miles and it's 80 degrees out

because my business is never going to succeed

because I hate people and I'm afraid Trump is going to win again because democrats can't get their shit together.

feels like people say that anytime Democrats do anything whatsoever

I'm very depressed and very lonely and my family is in Greece until the end of the month and I've started talking to myself

An undiagnosed illness, most likely. Went to the doc who said I had an ear infection and gave me antibiotics that seemed like they were working but my ears are shitty again (and yes, I took all of the antibiotics as instructed, never missing a dose). I fear it's turning into some super infection and I'll end up like one of those people who needs like half their face removed because the infection straight up destroyed their tissue. But I can't bring myself to go back because I don't want another round of antibiotics that might make it worse. But I know I can't just do nothing either. I hate it.

Like a month ago or so, some burglar broke in where I work at (a condo) and stole a mountain bike. Lots of freaking out, people getting fired left and right, lots of pressure to do our jobs better, lots of getting fired threats.... Same old, same old. I'm both cranky and exhausted.

Also the cat I'm fostering is a little ball of energy and will not let me sleep at night, so I'm trying to tire him out during the day. I'm also having a hard time taking my dog out for walks because it's been raining so hard.

And there's a lot of pressure from my family on me getting my diploma so I can be on the graduation act and WHERE IS YOUR DIPLOMA, DAHLI? WE WANT TO CELEBRATE YOU'RE FINALLY OUT OF COLLEGE WHERE IS YOUR DIPLOMA WHERE IS YOUR DIPLOMA WHY WEREN'T YOU IN THE MAY GRADUATIONS WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FLUNKED A CLASS AND YOU'RE NOW SCHEDULED FOR NOVEMBER WHAT THE HELL WHERE IS YOUR DIPLOMA. Rinse and repeat every day.

Also my feet hurt. :(

Edited 2019-06-07 01:24 (UTC)

Tired of getting shamed or treated like an asshole for bodily functions I dont ask for. Esp when I tried my best to fix it.

Its embarassing to vent about but it only adds to my feeling I'm a disgusting pig. Thanks fam.

i just went through a hell of a time ~interpersonally speaking~ with stupid junk happening one right after another at work and w my friends since like february. and ofc without noticing i let my basic self care diminish the more stressed and upset i got. but once the air cleared a little i had begun doing a fair job at properly nourishing my body finally! and for the past few weeks was feeling uncharacteristically great :)

but i got all tripped up in hubris or whatever and ordered a goddamn stroopwaffle mcflurry yesterday lmao. i legit forgot how awful my body used to feel all the time? which is both terrifying and exciting to confront tbh. i've definitely felt worse, and could always feel better! but it was a bit jarring to viscerally realize how badly i've exacerbated my emotional and mental health issues in past years by just not taking care of my body, if not outright abusing it during certain times. even though that's obvious and always sitting in the back of your mind somewhere when you gotta sit with it like that it's strange and sad but still motivating haha

Crippling poverty even though I'm working all of the time. I'm disappointed with how my life turned out in general but on a happier note, I'm actively trying to change things around and if even a fraction of my plans and goals prove fruitful, I will be able to find some happiness and satisfaction.

overexercising to try to lose weight after having bronchitis for months (I couldn't exercise while I had bronchitis so a little over a week ago I started doing lots of walking and swimming laps every day and I'm not used to it)

Existentially: I live in a small but well-known and tourist-friendly town in a state that is the butt of every single "white trash" joke in the book. I hate it, I hate that I can't ever talk about where I live without people asking if I've ever fucked a family member or know someone who died of "the black lung." I know it's a joke, but fuck! My town is great. It's home to tons of artists and musicians and free spirits, everyone here is friendly and accepting and will go so far to make you feel like you're home, the region is beautiful, and I just... I love it so much. I wish people would just think before they unload "jokes" like that. It's hurtful. And it really wears you down.

West Virginia or Kentucky?

I find it exhausting to be a bi/pan/queer person online since you're either too radical or not radical enough or too trans inclusive or not inclusive enough or too visible or not visible enough, and everyone has a fucking opinion about your home life, your work, and your politics and feels the need to project it at you.

And you somehow need all sorts of traumata to back up any opinion, otherwise it's not a valid opinion. It's not a fucking competition. Only the most oppressed queer may reign supreme and have their opinion heard? Ugh.

Same. Bisexual and I no longer interact with related communities anymore because it's just too exhausting.

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[ SECRET POST #4535 ]

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