[ SECRET POST #4690 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4690 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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09. [SPOILERS for Supernatural]




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10. [WARNING for abuse, parent death]






















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #671.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking as someone who hates her abusive father and feels absolutely no love or sympathy for him at all (and would actually feel immense relief if he died because I always fear him coming back to torment my mother and I), I'm actually really fed up with this idea that "Oh, you'll be sad when he dies" or "Oh, you don't really mean that, he's your dad! :)" I get told from people who couldn't possibly understand my situation and hold onto this bullshit idea that you have to forgive or hold some love for your abuser.

[(Anonymous)]

That said, I'm glad you found some reassurance from this film, OP.

[(Anonymous)]

People are so weird with the idea of forgiveness. Some people think it's complete absolution and reconciliation even if the offense is repeated, while others take it to mean letting go in the mind. I think it's all overrated, but I also think people should do what works best for them. People mean well, but don't realize what a selfish thing it is to request that an abused person forgive the abuser in their life.

[(Anonymous)]

I just wish forgiveness wasn't so universally considered the "healthy" and "right" way to deal with trauma by a lot of society.

[(Anonymous)]

IA. I feel like it's actually the wrong way to go, that it inherently involves invalidating oneself. Though if it helps some people cope, then I'm not going to protest them doing so. Just as long as they don't protest me condemning my abusers, because that's what helps me deal with it.

[(Anonymous)]

At least in the case of the OP, I'm not sure that's what they're trying to say, though. I grew up with abusive parents too, to the point that I passively wish death on them on a fairly routine basis, but I know that I'll be a wreck when they go. Not because they're my parents, not because of ~family~ or that I love them or forgive them. But rather... the best way I can think to say it is that I'll be mourning what they should have been. I'll be mourning the parents I never had. I've done that already to some extent, but I know myself and how my brain works, and no matter how rationally I tell myself that I've worked all that out, I know it's still going to hit me. It's going to be hard, and it's going to feel like I'm upset that they're dead, but it's going to be more like... I'm going to be upset they're dead knowing that they never, ever even tried to change. Does that make more sense?

[(Anonymous)]

OP: ugh I hate when people say that kind of thing. "But he's family!" Yeah, so? Wherever this ingrained idea that (blood) family is the most important thing ever came from, it really produced a lot of ignorantly insensitive people who react to "my parents abuse me" to "but they're still your family". Not to mention media where that seems to be the moral.

I'm all for not forgiving, and I even kind of don't get it when people do forgive, though in the end I support people doing what's best for themselves, even if I don't think it's right; it's not my life, anyway.

That said, I would mourn my dad (and my mom) if they died not because I love them, but because I feel a deep, strong emotional attachment to them that comes from growing up with them as my rock, like most parents are to their children when they're young. Not the most stable or comfortable of rocks, but I had no other perspective. They do think they love me, whether one could say they really do or not, and that makes it hard for my overly sympathetic side as well.

[(Anonymous)]

What does forgiveness have to do with this secret?

It's ok to feel grief when an abuser dies. It's ok to not feel grief when an abuser dies. Neither has anything to do with forgiveness, love, or sympathy.