[ SECRET POST #4719 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #4719 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 38 secrets from Secret Submission Post #676.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

But they also might not feel that way or be able to imagine it if they did have kids. It's not a universal reality that people that way, and it gets presented as a universal truth in fiction, and it's annoying and slightly sickly-sweet-nauseating.

[(Anonymous)]

OP - Exactly, anon. Thank you. :)

I acknowledge that it's possible I'd feel this way if I had a kid, but I'd bet very strongly against it. It would just be so wildly, unfathomably out of character for me. I fully anticipate I'd be one of those people who's like, "I love my child now, but I felt nothing when they were born and I secretly regretted having them for almost a year." And that's if I actively chose to have a baby.

[(Anonymous)]

Those sentiments are more common than a lot of people think, but as someone who definitely doesn’t want kids I would rather read/write about people being unswervingly devoted to having them than tread through the nauseating premise of a person for whom it seems out of character having a child and having to get used to the idea. Cause that’s a a potentially traumatic experience.

[(Anonymous)]

If it has to be the exact same story every time, if it has to be "CharX has kids and immediately thinks they're the greatest thing ever and is unswervingly devoted to them" every time regardless of the actual character involved, then what's the fucking point?

[(Anonymous)]

Tha's like complaining that not enough romance fics end with the couple breaking up.

[(Anonymous)]

... except it isn't at all? You can have a fic where the new parents are uncertain and nervous about what comes after having a kid, but they work through it together and strengthen their relationship in the process and end up being really happy about their new family. That would be a really sweet fic with a happy ending.

[(Anonymous)]

da I don't think it's a bad idea to get different narratives out there. So many people irl seem to think they're broken if they don't feel this instant all-encompassing love, and actually it's not unusual. A dose of reality before the fact is no bad thing, especially if it comes to something as helpless as a new-born.

[(Anonymous)]

OP - You make a good point here, and I see what you’re saying. I think for me it’s just...sometimes canon makes a character have a baby when they never seemed like they wanted one before. And I always long for a bunch of fanfic where the character feels trapped and regretful and ends up letting someone else in their life adopt the baby or something. (Obviously this is often not an option in real life, but in fiction you can make it work.)

For me, gratifying escapism isn’t having the character suddenly experience all consuming love and eternal devotion the instant they lay eyes on their child.

For me, gratifying escapism is the character having an extremely kind, financially stable cousin and cousin-in-law who’ve been looking to adopt for a while now, who the character can give their baby up to without feeling like a terrible person.

Yet even in fanfic, hardly anyone ever writes this. Even when most of fandom is unhappy with the baby storyline, hardly anyone writes fics where the character gives their baby up. Probably because there’s such a strong cultural narrative of, “If you don’t want your baby you’re a horrible person.”

And yes, I can write it myself. But I’m not going to write it three dozen times myself, and anyway, writing something yourself just isn’t quite the same.

[(Anonymous)]

I know someone who suffered post-natal depression and she says some part of that was the whole "instant love and beauty is always present" narrative. She didn't feel that at all. In fact she says she felt nothing but fear (which is normal in itself when you're caring for a new human) but she was made to feel alienated and broken by the idea that you *instantly* feel like all you want to do is stare at the baby in awe.

[(Anonymous)]

Good point. I think the whole "ecstatic and instantly in love" scenario is something that's wrongly treated as normalm universal experience to the point where people who don't feel that way worry that they're broken, or a bad parent. I mean jesus, if you think about it being absolutely terrified is a very logical, reasonable reaction to creating a new life.

[(Anonymous)]

SA. Indeed. My sister loves her kids (I know she does, I see it with my own eyes) and says she did feel something like a rush when she (eventually) was able to hold them after birth. But she ended up with sepsis after her eldest and nearly died in the process of giving birth to her second (and he would've died too, it was really close to the wire in fact) so she *still* doesn't see birth as this instant "everything is wonderful" thing as she was still fighting for her life both times.

I know fanfic is wish fulfilment and not everyone wants the realities of life but sometimes it would be nice to see a general acknowledgement, even in fiction, that childbirth can be a bit shit even when it turns out alright in the end.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry she had such an awful time. Childbirth really is still pretty dangerous, even in this day and age. :(

[(Anonymous)]

I didn't have PND, but I totally felt this as well. I didn't get the instant feeling either, but the trope is so pervasive that I felt like I should do.

[(Anonymous)]

This.