Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2020-03-12 05:23 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2020-03-12 05:23 pm
[ SECRET POST #4815 ]
⌈ Secret Post #4815 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 10 secrets from Secret Submission Post #689.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Question.
(Anonymous) 2020-03-13 08:36 am (UTC)(link)It's 4:20 in the morning, and I'm awake reading fanfic, (the norm with me though everyone in my family thinks I go to bed at a decent time) I need to use the washroom, (I play music in the washroom while I go because I have issues and it relaxes me, my family may or may not I'm taking this time to do drugs /prescriptions, falsely/ but we're not the sort of family that talks about these things) I exit the washroom to hear her pushing a load of laundry down the stairs....
This is not normal. I've had insomnia for years, and even when her father died, my nana three days later on Christmas eve, the days after we find out my Grandfather hid that his cancer had come back and promised to come home for Christmas, but dying in a slow silent devastating battle with prostate cancer instead. Not in the two weeks my father has been diagnosed with the same cancer, waiting for a biopsy we're all walking on smiles and normalcies to push to the backs of our minds.
Just today, in the pitch black of an unlit stairwell shoving a mound of clothes down three flights long past the middle of the night. I'm scared. I tried to play it cool like we aways do, what is she doing, offer her help, is there anything I can do? But with her head tilted down with her hair covering whatever her face could have told me, she said, 'I'm fine. No. Shh- you'll wake people up.'
I've lived my life rejecting reality. There was a point when I almost had the chance of a normal life torn away by a death that should have been mine. I still live in my little bubble, and all I want to do is go down stairs to make sure my mother's okay... I just don't know if she wants me to.
Please, help.
SA
(Anonymous) 2020-03-13 08:48 am (UTC)(link)Shes gone to bed now, I wish I turned on the light, asked better questions. I don't know.
I'm scared because my father might die, he has cancer and I don't know what to do. The same cancer his father died a silent painful death from, one he had to do alone.
I have so many issues. I can't live a normal life. I never thought I'd get that chance too. I just don't want him to die with him knowing I'll be next in line. That I worked with him, and I had my chance, and I fucked it up because I thought I knew a pain worse than death. Because I was afraid if I left home, got one of my own, moved on; my sister, with all her talent and ability would crumble into dust, toxic, and corrosive, bringing down the two that raised us in the process.
I'm scared.
Re: SA
(Anonymous) 2020-03-13 02:03 pm (UTC)(link)But it's okay to be scared and conflicted, especially when several deaths occur in the family.
I'm not sure what you mean by that last sentence, though.
OP
(Anonymous) 2020-03-14 09:39 am (UTC)(link)I'm sorry, I should have asked Case to delete this post as soon as I made it. I know it's a shitty situation. My mother watched me all day and didn't bring it up until the end of the night... Commenting how she had to do laundry this morning... and we did as we always do... not matter if it's for better or worse with the emotions swirling in hazard around us... We laughed it off and made it no big deal, all as her husband, my father, is dying before her.
I tried to meet her eyes, to actually see if she was okay... and I don't know, she was looking at me just as much as I was looking at her.
I think she thought that I already said something... and in the end, as usual, it was just one big joke about our families apparent inability to talk, without any intention to say much of anything.
...I made that sentence intentionally vague because there are things I'll never approach in any significant detail, because of what words, even on the internet, copied and misconstrued, can still bring detail on some things I've sworn not to surrender. Not to her.
Re: Question.
(Anonymous) 2020-03-13 11:23 pm (UTC)(link)OP -please respond-
(Anonymous) 2020-03-14 10:02 am (UTC)(link)I've got you in a vice grip myself right now, I swear. I'd take your virtual hugs till the end of the world. It means a lot to receive them from someone who truly understands, and it really does mean the world to me.
I am seeing doctors, I'm so desperate for an MRI/CAT scan myself because I swear something has to be wrong with me, and I really just want to know what it evidentially is....
idk... thank you so much for responding. It does give me hope in a way, and you know I'm sending you those hugs back by the thousands. xoxoxoxo <33333
Thank you.