fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5069 ]

[ SECRET POST #5069 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5069 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

My partner never buys me presents on my birthday or at the holidays. I wish it didn't matter to me, but it does. I don't even care if they're fancy or just a tiny thing. Just something that required a bit of thought to show me he cared. It's actually breaking my heart and I wish it wasn't.

I'm so sorry, that sounds so frustrating. Any reason why?

What does your partner do on your birthday and for the holidays? Does he give presents to others on their birthdays? Just curious.

Has he said why? Did he grow up JW where it's not a thing and he's still following that?

I'm hoping if it means that much to you, you've spoken to him about this. If you have and he's still not, then you need to balance his reasons for not even doing token gifts to appease your feelings against how much you want/need that show of affection, or whether he shows his feelings enough in other ways to prevent you from leaving over this.

Just to point out, it doesn't have to be a JW-related thing, there are plenty of people who just plain don't give gifts.

My family, for instance, isn't materialistic and doesn't tend to give gifts unless the person specifically says they want a such-and-such. We're more about spending quality time together/doing something the other person would enjoy rather than buying them a physical present, so if someone doesn't SAY they want to get gifts for a holiday, we're more likely to do something like organize a dinner out for the person or have a little get-together for them and a bunch of friends/relatives.

True enough, it just seems he is resistant to the act of gift giving in a way that goes deeper than 'this is not how we did it growing up, stop being materialistic', (the impression I am getting of course, I could absolutely be reading it wrong).

My family loves spending time together, but I am one of those people who LOVES giving gifts. To me it's not about money or physical things so much as watching someone open that "box" and their face lighting up because that was exactly what they wanted. Even if it means I made my dad marmalade like I did last year, or made my mom baked goods and a 'mother daughter mani-pedi' future date.

Unfortunately, a lot of men are like this. It's likely they grew up in households where their mothers was the person who shopped and chose presents for everyone, and they never learned to do it. Or they might've done it briefly, when they were dating, but once they're married they give up because they got their woman, no need to pretend to be a caring partner anymore.

why are you assuming this is a man thing? i know plenty of women who don't give gifts for whatever reason. not everyone cares about stuff. i'm a woman and i don't want or expect people to give me gifts because i grew up poor and gifts weren't a thing in my familay because we couldn't afford them. i'd rather someone showed me they care by giving me a really funny/thoughtful card or asking me what i want to do on my birthday than giving me another thing that i don't need and probably will never use.

if someone expects gift-giving to be a requisite part of holidays, they need to let their partner know that rather than just assuming that everyone places the same importance on gifts that they do.

Because it's a man thing, unfortunately. You can google the term "emotional labor" and look up how women perform a disproportionate amount it in their relationships. Warning, though... it's depressing. Even if OP's partner isn't a man, it's a good way to bet. This doesn't mean that no women ever refrain from gift giving, of course.

From the original comment:

"My partner never buys me presents on my birthday or at the holidays. I wish it didn't matter to me, but it does. I don't even care if they're fancy or just a tiny thing. Just something that required a bit of thought to show me he cared. It's actually breaking my heart and I wish it wasn't."

Have you talked to your partner about this, and told them honestly how you feel? Like I personally am a very gift-giving person but I know some people are not, and that can be for a variety of reasons. But nobody can read minds so I suggest you talk to your partner about it. Now if you have discussed this and your partner just doesn't care, that's a whole other issue that would also need discussing.

That sucks. I think it shows that you feel unsure of his feelings and insecure in your relationship. Maybe you should tell him honestly that you feel insecure about his feelings for you and if he's not an ass, he'll listen. But tbh I'm not great at relationships.

Does your partner know how strongly you feel about this, or do they not care? Because this sucks and I'm sorry. You're not asking for too much, that's Relationships 101 level stuff.

Has this always been a thing with him since the start or is it one of those things that have fallen along the wayside in the course of a long relationship?

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[ SECRET POST #5069 ]

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