[ SECRET POST #5218 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5218 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 35 secrets from Secret Submission Post #747.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

See, maybe it's just because I'm not white, but I genuinely don't understand the amount of contempt a lot of people have for still living with your parents after you graduate. In my culture it's expected that you'll live with your family until you get married, and as long as you're contributing to the household in some way (either paying rent, doing chores and such around the house, or looking after a relative), I don't see why it's a bad thing? It makes no sense to move out right away and blow all of your money on renting an apartment just for yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

Some people like freedom and privacy.

[(Anonymous)]

Nayrt

I love freedom and privacy but the fucking criminal lack of affordable housing where I love makes that incredibly difficult to achieve and I would prefer there not have been a social stigma around the lengthy time I spent living in my parents house

[(Anonymous)]

Live, love, whatever

[(Anonymous)]

ayrt

I certainly disagree with the social stigma. Housing and transportation to housing should be a human right.

[bur]

I like that too, but as a homebody introvert that's easily achievable.

[(Anonymous)]

How is it achievable if you don't live alone?

[philstar22]

Spend a whole lot of time in your bedroom. I spend probably most of my time there. I either use my computer on my bed or at my desk. Feels plenty alone when I shut the door and can't hear anyone else.

[(Anonymous)]

Ah. See, to me, it's only privacy if that includes the kitchen, and nobody knocking on your bedroom door, and being able to go to bed/wake up as early as you want without disturbing anybody.

[bur]

Pretty easily? The basement is pretty much my in-law suite. I mean, come on, I'm in my late 30s. Mom's not going to ruffle through my stuff or keep tabs on me beyond the normal "hey, tell me if you're going to be out late" stuff that family you live with want to know so they don't think you're dead. It's not like I don't have my own finances, or my own credit. There's some give since the house isn't mine so there's only so much I can do to it decoratively, but I've been given full reign to garden so that's nice.

Or, if you want to look at it another way, I have near-total financial freedom. I don't have debt. I don't have rent. I don't have a car payment. I do housework, mind the garden, cook, and do the taxes which leaves me a LOT spare money to throw into retirement and savings and buy stupid shit like video games, Nendos, and cute shoes. The only freedom I don't have is sassing the landlord. ...cuz she's my mom and don't put up with that shit.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, I live at sea level and most houses don't have basements so I forget other people do.

[(Anonymous)]

Even if you don't have a basement, it's very easy to have privacy: go in your room and shut the door. I live with two other people and it's understood that if your door is closed, you don't want anyone bothering you. We're all adults, we respect the desire for space and privacy.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm a 33yo who lives in a small apartment with my father, and it seems to me like a major factor in the whole "living with your parent(s)" thing is what your relationship with them is like.

My dad has kind of always been my best friend. He was a good parent in a lot of ways, and certainly an extremely loving parent, but he also tended to stay out of my business and let me make my own choices, even when I was so young that it might've been better if he'd been sliiightly more controlling. So living with him now, as an adult, is great, because there is zero issue of me feeling controlled or infantilized or anything like that. I literally just get to live with my best friend, and save money. (Admittedly, it does help that I'm ace, but even if I weren't ace, my father would respect that I'm an adult who does adult things like have sexual partners of my choosing.) Sure, sometimes I wish I had a place of my own, just so I could like, lay around in my underwear if I felt like it or whatever. But the trade-off is so very worth it.

OTOH, living with my mother would be smothering. She's not even an awful parent. She was...mostly okay? Not abusive, anyway. But she would absolutely try to control and infantilize me. She would think that because I didn't do everything the way she thought I should that I was being immature and childish, and would treat me like I was being a "brat," and would think she could berate me without me being allowed to dish it back to her because I'm her child and I "don't get to talk to her like that." All that sort of stuff. And nothing I did could fix our dynamic. All I could do would be do everything the way she felt I should, in order to "deserve" to be treated like an adult (oh the irony), or go against her and "prove" in her mind that I didn't deserve to be treated like an adult.

So I can very much understand both sides of this coin. I share a place with my father and it's great because he treats me like an equal and understands what that means. But I could never share a place with my mother because she is, from what I can tell, incapable of making that mental leap to seeing me as an equal and treating me as such. So when people say they could never live with their parent and presume that people who do live with their parent(s) are infantilized, I just assume it's because that person doesn't have the kind of relationship with their parents that you need to have in order to cohabitate with a parent and still be your own autonomous person.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed that this is a huge chunk of it. And it varies so much with siblings and with age. I look at how it was for me in my twenties when I lived near/occasionally stayed with my parents and they were in their fifties, and compare it to now with my sister in her forties who’s doing the same with them in their seventies. When she first began living near them again, she still rubbed up against some of the same boundaries with them that I did. But whenever I heard about it, I realized more how we all draw the line at different things and how differently we draw them - including my parents then and now.

[bur]

What's weird is that as I've gotten older I've gotten less crap about it. Probably because as I have gotten older my mom has also gotten older, so people go "oh you're staying at home so your 82-yr-old mom can have her independence". And, like, that's not NOT a factor, but being able to live somewhere nice and also have spending cash is a pretty big one too.

[(Anonymous)]

It's really funny how quickly people will change their tune in a situation like that. I currently live with my parents and people are definitely judgmental about it until I tell them that my parents are older and have both had surgeries within the past year and can really use the help around the house.

Then it immediately turns into "oh, what a thoughtful daughter you are to stay at home to help your parents!"

[(Anonymous)]

Asian here and while I, too come from a culture where family and community is emphasized, there can be drawbacks from that mindset. The idea that you had to Be Their For Family regardless of how much it hinders with your life because It's Family only works until it doesn't. And this was something I've had implanted in me for decades.

For me, this reached its breaking point last year where I, someone in my 30s, was told to sacrifice a great deal of my life for my parents - even though they would have been fine without me - even though it would have made me incredibly and significantly unhappy, not to mention financially fuck me over. It was a constant, long, arduous battle to get them off my back and though I am currently apartment searching, not living with my parents has been the single best decision I've ever made.

I love my parents, but they warped me in ways I am still recovering from and the best cure for me WAS leaving them. Sometimes living with your parents do not work.

[(Anonymous)]

It used to be a marker of independance, is all. The ability to earn a basic income and run one's own household. (That said, it used to be easier to get housing.)

There's kind of... an idea that a young person who stays at home expects to be treated like a child, to have their laundry done by their parents and so forth, and to be slacking off.

I don't think it's true - as you say, contributing to rent and chores is a reasonable thing to do - but that's where the idea comes from.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like all of those are very uniquely American assumptions (both the being a marker of independence part and also the assumption that a young adult living at home will want their parents to take care of them and won't also be working). Living with one's family as an adult is common practice in many cultures and it's seen as no different than living with other adult roommates: you're expected to be working and contributing to the household and just generally behaving like an adult.

[(Anonymous)]

You're not wrong - it's totally a white thing, and especially bad in the USA where if you're not FREEEEEEE then you're a loser.