[ SECRET POST #5234 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5234 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 20 secrets from Secret Submission Post #749.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Oh wow, that's tough, nonny. I freelance as a paid developmental editor, and I've come across issues like this in peoples' work and... yeah, it's not fun to try and tackle that, even with a receptive author who can take constructive criticism. Sometimes, you have to pick your battles. I try to do it this way:

* positive commentary and praise
* hit the highlights of stuff that needs addressing, with cited examples and maaaybe a suggestion of alternative approaches if you can think of one
* positive commentary and praise

It's a praise sandwich, with concrit filling. The Asian fetishism sounds like the biggest problem here, and you may want to try and frame it as impersonally as possible. Point out that there's a problem in general with POCs being sexualized over white characters, include mention of relevant examples in other media and then say that while you don't think that's what your friend intended, they might want to rethink their approach so as not to be tarred with the same brush.

For the other stuff, frame it as a characterization issue - like you said, characters making the best decisions with the information available to them is logical, and while the audience might understand it's a mistake (based on their 3rd person omniscient POV), the characters themselves have no way of knowing that. Delicately point out that sometimes the writing is a little heavy on the message and that frequently comes at the expense of the story itself. Frame that as a readership thing - your friend's readers aren't so dense they need to be beaten over the head with the Moral, right? So it's okay to sort of ease up and let that message come through a little more organically.

Good luck. And maybe don't offer to beta for this person again, especially if they react badly to constructive criticism.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

this is a great answer. most of us probably know about the praise sandwich but you gave OP some good specifics for framing.