[ SECRET POST #5248 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5248 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 18 secrets from Secret Submission Post #751.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

My best friend was like that. They were always super private and kept everything to themselves. But then eventually they started to let me in little by little and when I got very sick they were there for me and even voice chatted and sent me photos?? And things were going great and I started to have those icky little feelings. Once I told them, things started to go downhill. Suddenly they found every little excuse to push distance between us. Said things like "I don't think we're as compatible as I thought we were" after admitting they'd thought of me romantically too but had been recently so severely burned by an online relationship that they are damaged from it. The pushing kept happening and now we barely speak. They treat me poorly when we do talk and accuse me of being the one causing the problems and being poor to them. It's mysterious and hurtful and I feel like if I had never confessed my evolved emotion, it never would have happened. But now we barely speak and I think I've lost them forever. So let that be a cautionary tale I guess. It's not always sunshine and roses, especially if they were the kind of person who could be kind of cold and mean before to begin with. :'(

[(Anonymous)]

This. Also, I'm really concerned with, given what OP has since told us about this person, all the commenters trying to encourage this relationship. It sounds extremely risky.

nayrt

[(Anonymous)]

They likely commented before OP provided additional information.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. But sharing this story with me is helping me to consider possible outcomes. It can be hard with someone who has been hurt so badly. Recently there was a misunderstanding and he became so angry with me. He’s admitted publically that he has anger issues and is working on it. He may not really care about what I think, I’m not sure. But I hope he finds happiness some day. My heart aches for him, and I know it’s pathetic. But I still feel like supporting him regardless. And I’m not closing myself off to real life dating. I’m forcing myself to go on a date with someone who asked me out and has been persistent recently. I’m pretty sure this guy is just a player, but I’m keeping it platonic, and I know that this will help me to get my mind off of things.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

This sounds wise, OP. A relationship like the one you describe can be very intense and compelling. In a way it can be similar to gambling, when people are intermittently and inconsistently rewarded for something, they'll pour way more time and energy into the thing to get the reward. It leads to a lot of very powerful highs when you get the reward, but a lot of lows when you don't.

Like other anons, I'm seeing a lot of red flags with this relationship already. I'm in a relationship with someone who can be a bit prickly and can sometimes have a temper, but what you're describing is more than just that. You're describing this guy blaming you for his own decision to talk to you about his private life. My prickly person never redirects blame onto me for things. That makes me wonder if this guy ends up blaming you for other things that aren't your fault, and that is incredibly concerning and can become very toxic and unhealthy for you.

Even if he is suffering or has anger issues, he needs to learn how to manage these and not harm others with them to the best of his ability. Mental illness can be an explanation for someone's behavior, but beware of people who use it as an excuse to absolve themselves of blame or responsibility. We can't control our emotions but we can control our actions.

I would like you to re-examine the relationship with this lens. It may be that the relationship is not like this, but plenty of people here are seeing warning signs and it's worth analyzing. How much of the time do you actually have fun with this person, and what percentage of the time do you spend around them feeling like you're walking on eggshells?

If it's only an occasional thing, then recognizing a hurtful behavior can help you communicate about it and fix an issue in the relationship.

If you're spending most of your time stressed out and anxious with only occasional (and probably Very Potent) moments of relief... you should probably reconsider the relationship, for your own mental health.

Re: OP

[(Anonymous)]

OP: Thank you so much for this! He did tell me once that it was his problem. He’s aware of his short comings and I know he’s working on it. He started going to therapy recently. I’m at the point in my life where I am comfortable with my emotions, even though they hurt me sometimes. I love him, more than I’ve ever felt for anyone in a very long time. I know it will continue to hurt. But I also want to see him be happy. I know that when he’s ready he most likely will find happiness with someone else. But for now, I will be sure to consider my own needs too. It’s hard because I have so many friends in this place as well, so it would be hard for me to just make a clean break. I’m still thinking about it. I just want to support him until that time comes.