fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5429 ]

[ SECRET POST #5429 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5429 ⌋

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(context: this is all online)
May I ask for some advice? I confessed to someone I have strong feelings for almost a year ago. Since then we've been through a series of mis-adventures and now he says he's okay with talking to me. He's opened up a bit here and there and seems fine chatting once in a while. I send him funny pictures and he laughs, etc.

I've noticed a few months ago there was another woman who is already in a relationship that started flirting with him and baiting him. He fell for her. I could tell because he would throw suggestive innuendo at her and make a point to follow through with jokes and compliment her all the time. He's really uptight and never says things like this in general. She drops here and there that she has a boyfriend (who is not in the same server) and has started to back down a bit, but he still flirts with her. She continues to bait him and he falls for it every time.

I tried to warn him in indirect ways, but he didn't seem to take the hint. It almost feels like I'm in competition for his attention with someone who is already taken(?). Something about the whole situation doesn't sit well with me. What do you think I should do? So far I've tried to resist the temptation to be critical or blaming. I don't want to be seen as negative. But it does bother me a lot, both on her part and his. I don't want to ruin a potential friendship with him, because he's told me things he hasn't told anyone else now. What do you think my options are?

Honestly? Stay the hell out of that mess.

Be a friend if he calls you up and needs a friend, but otherwise back off.

a) everyone has the right to make their owm stupid-ass decisions and he and his new friend are adults

b) you are incredibly emotionally involved and it's very easy for you to be hurt, badly, by the decisions made by people who aren't you.

I understand why you care, and I respect you for that. But this is not a good situation for you to be.

Hug?

+1

I'm the anon from right below and just wanted to agree with everything this anon concisely outlined for you. Be a friend if and when he asks, don't get involved (partially because it's technically not your business and I'll second they're grown ass adults capable of making decisions and mistakes). And there's no need for you to cause yourself undue stress & pain. I'm sure you've got your own issues to deal with! No need to borrow someone else's.

It's a complicated situation, that goes way beyond the scope of what I outlined. Let's just say that what they do will affect more than just the two of them, or even myself. I get what you mean. If it is about egos, I really don't know what to say. But thank you for the advice. I've had to talk myself into being supportive of him as much as possible. It has been very hard. I love him. I've come to accept my feelings, for better or for worse. There's not a whole lot I can do.

Thank you again.

Okay. I hope things get better for you, OP, I really do.

I don't know if I could give you any advice, frankly. It's a delicate situation. You know how he is as a person, and you are his friend (your romantic feelings aside). I mean, if she's told him that she has a man already, and they keep doing this...what exactly are you warning him about? Short of telling him "hey, friend, remember that she's with somebody, are you going to keep engaging/responding to her flirtation? Do you feel like that's the best or right thing to do?" he would seemingly be aware of what he's doing?

If your friend and this lady keep flirting, that's on them. And I say that not because you shouldn't care, but because a) some people don't view flirting while in a relationship an issue, others do; b) your friend is capable of making decisions (even if it sucks because it's not you he's directing the feelings toward, :C ) aka deciding how and whether or not to engage with her.

It's obvious you care and don't want him getting hurt or getting into problems, and maybe just talking to him, just once, and letting him know that you're his friend, and so you don't want him ti get hurt,so he should be cautious or reconsider what he's doing. I mean, what more an you do? You can also not say anything. We can only control our own actions, no?

Also, general question --how do you end up firming a relationship (let alone catching feelings) for someone on a server? Just messaging them or ...? Because what servers are these?

Good luck anon

Oh believe me, this is the first time I've ever felt this way. Relationships do form online, although I've seen several of them end just this past year. About 3 out of 4, although they each lasted at least 1 year. I chalk it up to the pandemic, but some people actually spend most of their social lives online. I have many rl friends and make more at a consistent rate. Let's just say that it's possible to fall for people if you spend enough time together. This guy I have feelings for is kind of a homebody, though he knows how to talk when he wants. He's kind of strange, if I'm honest. The reason why I've thought about intervening is because I was hoping he'd meet someone irl, rather than be bated by some insincere, attention seeker. He's been hurt before by someone equally as terrible. So yeah, maybe he just reaps what he sews. That doesn't mean I enjoy seeing it.

Stay out of it. And not trying to be a bitch here, but if he was interested in you, he would be with you. He is interested in the other woman if he's flirting with her. Now what her intentions are, idk. Maybe she likes him, maybe she likes the attention he gives her, maybe she wants something on the side, maybe she gets her jollies stringing him along. Really all you can do is get out of the way of this eventual train wreck, and if he's flirting with someone he knows is in a relationship, that doesn't say much about his character. Remember that how you get them is how you lose them, and if he's willing to cheat with her, he would cheat on you too.

Yeah I've been thinking long and hard about why he's doing this. It could be a lack of morals. Honestly, I think he's kind of desperate. It makes me sad and disappointed because I know he could do better than that.

so he knows she's in a relationship but considers his feelings more important. if they do end up doing something stupid it will not have been your fault, he's 100% aware and even hoping that's how it will turn out. i think you shouldn't suppress your feelings on the matter because it seems to me you're only doing that because you still have some vague hope that he will fall for you instead

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I'll keep that in mind before I make a decision. I'm not the type to sit quietly while things happen.

Reading this pretty late, but I add my vote to stay out of it. It's too complicated, and your past history of romantic interest in this guy means you're at a higher risk of clouded judgment. But a few things to consider:

* Your friend knows this girl is supposedly dating someone, and he knows she's still flirting anyway, and he's 100% cool with that. That doesn't speak well of his morals or judgment, even if there are extenuating circumstances like being lonely or desperate.

* You've been trying to hint that he's heading into danger. Let's be honest: HE KNOWS. And he does not care. You might be falling into that mindset of "But I have to save him!" You can't save someone from their own bad decisions. Because that's what it'd be. The girl isn't innocent, but she's not the only one who deserves blame in this situation. Your guy friend, assuming he's a consenting adult, is choosing to participate in this idiocy.

Let him make his own bad decisions and deal with the consequences. Don't white knight. And maybe don't be the person who's trapped in the friend zone trying to rescue the dude who is not interested in her or he would've been dating her already. I am so sorry, but please consider expanding your friendship circle and finding nicer people to hang out with in the future.

Thank you for your advice. Believe me, there are many reasons to try and remove myself from the situation. Due to certain circumstances, I am unable to at the moment. It's very complicated. I really don't want to watch all this go down, but at the moment, I've been able to talk to him more and he's opened up more and more to me as time goes by.

I will certainly save everyone's advice and re-read it if things start to get really bad. Thank you again.

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[ SECRET POST #5429 ]

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