fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5792 ]

[ SECRET POST #5792 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5792 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 40 secrets from Secret Submission Post #829.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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You probably knew people would freak out and dump on you for this secret, but I shudder at the thought of having children, and can completely get how you feel about it. Of course it's silly to project your own feelings on to celebrities, but you acknowledged it's not rational. LOL at the people who can't seem to get that, but are accusing you of lacking emotional intelligence.

Never change, F!S.

IAWTC.

You seem confused, so I will show you how to phrase one's inappropriate but involuntary emotional response in a way that actually takes responsibility for it:

"I don’t know why, but I never expect to hear that celebrities have kids. When they do, I either have a vague feeling of “Who wrote that into the script?” or confusion that they would choose to have kids when, to me, as someone who doesn’t want kids, having a baby just feels like a way to ruin your life.

Objectively I know other people don't feel the same way about having kids as I do, but my personal aversion to having children is so strong that I can’t really understand why anyone would choose to do it entirely of their own volition. I feel sad when celebs have kids because, for me, it always feels like losing another one to Babies Ever After.

None of this is rational. And yet, I’m surprised every time.

B!S - I also feel like the fishbowl of fame is an inherently toxic environment for a child to grow up in, and I’m not sure how I feel about celebs knowingly choosing to subject their children to that environment."

OP would still get some pushback for this secret, probably, because it's still a fairly polarizing perspective, but they wouldn't be getting chewed out for their utter lack of emotional intelligence, because in this edited version of the secret they--wait for it--didn't express their opinions in the manner of someone who utterly lacks emotional intelligence.

Yes, because all secrets should be carefully worded essays.

It's literally sixteen words longer than the original secret lol. Sorry that's too much for you to manage. But no, phrase things however you want; just be prepared for the response you get if you express your irrational, judgmental, and unfair feelings as statements.

DA

This, seriously.

Also, OP is sounding hugely presumptuous by assuming that all the celebrities they like agree with them about not having kids, and if someone they watch has kids, "I lost them." What the hell?

This.

JFC I keep reading this kind of crap. Not secret OP but as an ESL person that is SO annoying to me. Sorry but I am doing my best to express myself?

The anon Ayrt was talking to wasn’t actually saying it needed to be a clear essay though. Because their version was only 16 words longer. And all they’re saying is that people can express whatever they want, but there will be backlash if what they said is inflammatory. And I believe that OP was being inflammatory. Purposely so, possibly.

I do get what you’re saying though. And I do agree generally. Just not in this specific instance. Because in general I’m also trying my best to express myself while being on the spectrum and having trouble finding the right words a lot of the time. And sometimes I feel like I’ve done a satisfactory or even good job expressing myself in a succinct and civil way. And someone here still chooses to read in bad faith and gets insulting about it. Twisting what I said and getting some malicious interpretation of my words from nowhere in the words or meanings themselves. Sometimes it is actually my fault, however. Not saying that last part is what happens to you.

So I can emphasize with what you’re saying even if our circumstances are different.

Totally get why you would be frustrated

But at the same time, the comment you replied to was written in response to others being annoyed that this secret was getting dogpiled

AYRT was basically making the point that if you don't want to get dogpiled for your opinions, phrasing is important

If you don't care about that, don't worry about how you write your secrets

But if you do care about that, there are actually some nuances in the rewritten secret that could be helpful

But yeah, unfortunately this type of issue (unintended dogpiling) will probably affect ESL and neurodivergent folks disproportionately

That said, in this case the content of the secret was blatantly insulting and I think OP knew it would cause drama (or should have known)

Sometimes no amount of proper phrasing will satisfy the issue because people are being ridiculous and defensive and absurd in their interpretations.

This all reminds me of that quote about Twitter - "There’s a defensive style of writing where you can tell someone has spent too much time on Twitter. You write a normal sentence, then ask yourself how an asshole could interpret it in bad faith and use it to attack your reputation publicly. Then you add caveats."

And like, I'm absolutely guilty of this at times as well. I do jump to conclusions about what people have said. But 90% of the time, unless I'm real sure that the other person is acting in bad faith, I try to at least ask them to clarify before jumping down their throat. Even in cases where someone *is* in bad faith, dogpiling isn't really necessary.

And in this specific case, I totally disagree that the underlying content of the secret was insulting.

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2022-11-15 22:50 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2022-11-15 23:12 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2022-11-16 00:25 (UTC) - Expand

+1,000,000

nayrt

I think you need to take a deep, calming breath here. You're beginning to sound irrationally angry.

Ah right, troll then, got it.

DA

Don't you mean a white light healing?

maybe they need a snickers bar healing

(no subject)

(Anonymous) - 2022-11-15 04:23 (UTC) - Expand

+100

Considering you have the same lack of self-awareness as the one trying to shut down discussions in the threads with “but they said it was irrational!!”, you really have no place laughing at anyone else for being ridiculous and silly. But keep ignoring other people’s points.

It probably does show a lacking of emotional intelligence to be a grown-ass adult and still be unable to grasp that people have different experiences and want to make different choices. But I already knew that was true, especially in the US. How do you not get that "this is ew for me so I can never understand how it isn't for others" isn't a flex and is something to be worked on?

Not secret OP but it isn't for me either, and I don't understand why would anyone want to put a kid in this world in the year of our lord and savior 2022. Like my living conditions are so bad I would never consider it. If yours isn't: ...please consider helping out those of us who are already alive lol?

Nayrt

People can want to have a child and still help out with the people who are already alive though.

Helping others doesn't fulfill the same emotional needs that having and raising children does. I don't even FEEL those needs and I can understand this just by looking at my friends and family who do.

Valid point - all those with resources, whether they have kids or not (so including the wealthy DINKs) should be assisting those in need, whether by donating to charity, volunteering, etc

Though the most efficient way to assist most people in need would be through a well functioning welfare state, so votes and campaigning matter

But on this point, having children and assisting people in need isn't a zero sum game - one child born doesn't mean one more person witbout assistance

And increasing/ continuing the population (through both immigration and birth) is pretty necessary for all countries to continue functioning. See the issue of aging populations - if there are more old people than young people, caring for the old including through old age pensions becomes a major issue, which is compounded by decreased tax revenue from a smaller tax base of the working young

Smaller tax base also means less money for public health and welfare in general

Not that this macro discussion does anthing to assist you if you're in need right now. Commiserations, and I hope things turn around for you

But on this point, having children and assisting people in need isn't a zero sum game - one child born doesn't mean one more person witbout assistance

Exactly this! Your whole response was well said, but this point was especially true.

+billions

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