[ SECRET POST #5961 ]

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⌈ Secret Post #5961 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 18 secrets from Secret Submission Post #852.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Comments

Re: How do you not care what anyone thinks of you?

[(Anonymous)]

TW: Suicidal ideation, maybe?

>>not interested in kids, most likely not interested in marriage, and not particularly even interested in dating anyone right now

So... having kids and potentially marrying/dating someone will not make you happy. Right? Being more "normal" would potentially make you miserable?
So why do you feel like a failure when you're following the path it's more likely to make you happy in the long run?

I'm a butch lesbian in her 30s who's never been into a real relation and who is currently unemployed due to mental health problems.
When my friends or family comment about "my lifestyle", that is honestly in complete chaos and disarray at the moment, I just shrug and go "YEAH. I'm fucked up. But if I'd follow what you think is a successful life, I'd end up killing myself. So thanks but no thanks"
The houses my sisters bought themselves with their partner? FUCK THAT. My sister who just had a kid and is the happiest she's ever been? GOOD FOR HER BUT FUCK THAT. My other sister who is thriving in her new fancy job and managerial position? NAAAAH. THERE'S NO PAYING I'D TAKE FOR THAT LEVEL OF STRESS LOL

It's not that I don't care about what my loved ones think about me. I care because what they think about me reflects what THEIR worries (ending up alone) and THEIR values (family, career) are. They care about me enough to judge me and try to help me in their own (often misguided and biased) way. I'm actually grateful for that. They worry.

But I just... shrug. It's not like I'd ever be able to follow their advices or the idealistic lifestyle that society admires and promotes the most. I CAN'T.
Thinking about marrying, having a kid, getting a dog, building a career, buying a house... It kills me. I'd rather be death or live in constant poverty than do that.

>>My parents say they don't care about any of that and just want me to do whatever makes me happy, but I can't help but feel like they're disappointed in me, even if they don't say it.
My parents are the same. I do believe they're disappointed in some of my choices because they don't understand them (they actually said so themselves), but still respect me and want me to find my way. They worry about me because my life is full of insecurities, compared to my other two sisters'.
The thing is... my parents are disappointed in my sisters, too. For obviously different reasons than me, but still. Even with their more traditional paths, my sisters still became someone or made choices than my parents don't fully appreciate. It's normal.
Parents will always be slightly disappointed in their children.

But you can't live your life trying to appease your parents (or friends, or partner...). That's something that children do, when they apply themselves at school to have good grades to show their parents to and be praised.
When you're out of the school system we find other arbitrary parameters we should follow to show our parents and peers in order to be praised (usually family, houses, careers) and "feel normal" and that's a valid human thing to do.
The problem is that it'll probably make you miserable in the long run.

If the good grades or the "normalcy" is not something you personally WANT, but still you pursue it in order to appease others, then you really "fail".
You fail yourself, your values and your desires. Just to feed into the need to feel included in a false sense of normalcy. You become a failure to yourself just in order to become "normal" and accepted.
I think though you'll then not accept yourself. And you yourself is the most important person in your life. So you should probably follow what you want and compare yourself to who you were in your past and who you truly want to be in your future.
That's the only comparison that matters to me.

Hence, this TL;DR is why I "don't care" what other people think about me. I somewhat still care because it's still valuable external input, but I don't base my personal value in their judgement. They're not me and they don't know what I need to be and do in order to truly be myself.
Hope this makes sense. :D