fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5961 ]

[ SECRET POST #5961 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5961 ⌋

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I live in the southern US, and everyone my age I know, everyone I grew up with/went to school with is married (or divorced) with kids. I'm definitely not interested in kids, most likely not interested in marriage, and not particularly even interested in dating anyone right now (I keep saying "right now", thinking it's going to change eventually, but to be completely honest, I'm not sure it ever will) and I just...don't fit in with them. I can't help but feel like a complete weirdo/outcast.

I vent to my mom because all the people I used to consider friends are busy changing diapers and talking to other moms and telling me that I "just wouldn't understand" anything going on with them because I don't have kids. And her solution is "stop caring what they think", which...is easier said than done. I also feel like it's easier for her to say because she's never been in my position. She got married, bought a house, had kids...she's always been "normal" and done the expected thing. I'm a woman in my 30s who isn't married, doesn't have kids, hasn't even been in a relationship in several years and has (other than my parents' house) never lived anywhere except a one bedroom apartment by myself.

It's easy for someone who's never been "abnormal" to say you shouldn't care what someone thinks, but much harder when you can't go anywhere or do anything without the constant bombardment of what you "should" be doing, and the implication that you're a complete failure if you're not doing those things. Even down to small things like getting ads for baby/kid stuff and articles about the best anniversary gifts because even the freaking algorithms assume you must be married and have kids.

On top of all that, I just lost my job at place I've been at for over a decade (because it's a small business that's been struggling financially since the pandemic, I was the only employee, and the boss's wife will work for free) and I'm not sure what to do next. I've always just worked administrative/office jobs, I don't have any great passions or whatever when it comes to a career, and that makes me feel bad, too.

Meanwhile, my brother has a fancy job, makes a ton of money, lives in a huge house, has a partner and kids, and I can't help but feel like a total failure compared to him. My parents say they don't care about any of that and just want me to do whatever makes me happy, but I can't help but feel like they're disappointed in me, even if they don't say it.

I feel like I would be happy, if I didn't feel like I was constantly being judged every waking second. Or if I could somehow figure out how to not care if I was being judged, but I just don't know how.

I don't know, sorry for all the rambling, but has anyone else felt similarly? Or just in general, how do you NOT constantly compare yourself to other people and feel like you're not good enough?

I have definitely felt similarly. I am a fellow abnormal, though I do tend to blend pretty well. But yeah, it's really hard when you're just a little off from everyone around you and it makes you feel like something's wrong. But nothing's wrong, it's just who you are. And people try and "help" by telling you no, you're not different or that you just need to try a little harder or whatever. I think differently and the things I want and care about are not mainstream. And yeah it kind of sucks sometimes, but it's who I am.

Idk about your parents, but mine definitely didn't care about what we did as long as we were happy. But I still always felt like I was the failure of all my siblings. 3 of them are really successful (both rank and monetarily) and the other has a bunch of kids and my parents love grandchildren. I'm just here....existing. And I still struggle with that one, but I have to just mantra the negative thoughts out and trust my parents word (they are no longer alive, so...).

I think ultimately not caring what others think comes down to being comfortable with yourself, and time. I used to be really self conscious about how fundamentally different I am, but I've reached the point in my life where I am who I am and it's not gonna change and I don't want to change. I also hit a certain age and kind of just found myself with this "fuck it" attitude. It's been really freeing.

I'm sorry you're struggling and about the job loss. I hope you can find a path that brings you happiness.

I think my turning point on this was when I realized I was going to be judged for everything (from not having kids to my lack of religious beliefs). Something in me made me decide If I'm going to be judged, I'm going to REALLY give these people something to talk about. Now I live childfree and participate in community advisory boards where I don't always agree with the other board members. Through that, I can both not care what others I may have known historically think while caring about what the other board members think so long as it pertains to our working relationship.

I'm a fellow abnormal, at a similar age and in a very similar situation. I don't have any advice because I haven't figured this out for myself yet, but damn I felt this. You're not the only one.

Fellow unmarried 30-something lady here. Me and my brother both had a bit of a weird upbringing, but after a big upheaval and my mother running off we both started down the college path around the same time. He did super well, made loads of friends, went on to university where he made more friends and passed with flying colours and now has a good paying job and a beautiful flat and he's just so goddamn put together and happy and confident and I couldn't be happier for him.

I went to college, stuck out like a sore thumb, got bullied, made some friends then lost them, went to university, stuck out like a sore thumb again, made no lasting friends before dropping out in second year after being assaulted. Got into drink, got into drugs, floated around and took a couple jobs that I still have nightmares about.
Now back at university as a mature student, so still sticking out like a sore thumb amongst all the young cool people, my anxiety is at the point where going to the local shop is an enormous mission and makes me want to disappear, and I feel so fucking far behind my brother in every respect, we might as well be on different planets.

Like you, my dad assures me that he's happy as long as I'm doing what I want, but every time my brother comes to visit I feel so very tiny. I'm now at the age where people are asking when I'm going to have kids, which I have zero desire for.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I wish I knew how to get past this too, but you're definitely not alone. Abnormal fistbump? Awkward air hugs? I hope you find another job soon, nonny. You had that job for over a decade, I'm positive you'll find somewhere you can transfer that experience to. I'm rooting for you.

Oh jeez, are you me?

I grew up in the south and while I'm not really in contact with my friends from back then because I moved all the way across the country, my mom still lives there and sends gossip my way. They all have kids/are divorced or both. I'm not interested in kids and the only reason I'm married is because I found another aroace in college and we fit well together, and honestly you can't live in this shithole of a country alone anymore.

Both my brother and sister are married with kids, and my sister is a doctor married to a nuclear engineer. They have a NANNY. My wife and I are almost to the place where we can think about taking a vacation. We make decent money but not nanny-level money. When I still lived back in the south my mom would introduce the family like "This is my daughter the doctor. This is my other daughter." Thanks ma.

When I was a kid, I always took things literally so I had a very hard time understanding when people were being mean or sarcastic. When they would tell me I "should" be doing something I would often ask why and get really crappy answers, because they didn't mean I should literally have 2.5 kids and a picket fence, and trying to figure out what the hell they actually wanted me to do was a lesson in futility. It was easier to just agree and do what everyone else was doing. Until it wasn't

When the demands of society became too much effort I just... stopped. It wasn't worth it anymore to deal with them and not only were they making me miserable I was making myself miserable trying to make them leave me alone. I figured if people were gonna keep telling me what to do no matter what I did, then I was going to do what I wanted to do. I ended up cutting a lot of people out of my life and moving 2k miles away for college really helped with that. Turns out, when I left that my mom finally had to deal with my sister and brother full on and she realized they're assholes. And now I'm the favorite. Heh.

So I guess TLDR: You gotta find the people who care about sincerity and actual human experiences and not people who only care about conformity.

... Well, as a fellow unmarried 30-something woman without kids, who's never had a steady partner, never planned to marry or have kids, actually has reproductive health issues that would hinder it even if I wanted to (on top of mental ones) and moved from her parent's house to a small apartment (not complaining though!) and lost her last job due to overall health issues that no doctor could help with no matter how much money spent and is now a volunteer, with 1 "friend?" and a parent who may be even messier ...

I don't care because I have accepted that I am a total weirdo/outcast I guess. I just... embraced the pain. I think I find comfort in the fact that I am hardly the first and last "crazy cat lady/wacko hermit" in the History of this pathetic world. Being a failure for not trying is less painful than trying and being a failure, so I chose the easy route. If anyone tries to approach, they face empty bitterness, which society seems to accept better than facing a goody-goody who is trying her best and failing apparently lol. When I think something like "my brother is doing well! He is my parents' pride :(" I quickly think "but my parents won't be around forever anyway so I should focus on staying afloat" . It's bitter but realistic. But maybe the "I will find happiness on the ground" approach only works if you are on the ground to begin with.

Thankfully prolonged solitude has allowed me to find passions for things again, which I lost while I was burntout. If I told you I believe "it's a bad moment not a bad life" I would lie (I see the signs, lol) but can't complain about a lack of passion and am sure you will recover yours too, OP. The will to learn something new and from there you find new people etc.

But comparing is good, I think. I guess the times in my life when I did something, I actually cared enough to compare myself and feel ashamed and go after something. The bottomless depression isn't really viable unless you were born rich or something.

I feel like I would be happy, if I didn't feel like I was constantly being judged every waking second. Or if I could somehow figure out how to not care if I was being judged, but I just don't know how.

Honestly, I think you FEEL like you're being judged, and maybe that's true for some people you know, but most people aren't judging you for not being married with kids; they're probably indifferent. I do think it's possible that a shifting cast of your friends likely envy you sometimes; you can do whatever you like and you don't have to check to see what other people want for dinner, and you're not forced to endure someone else's messes or to put up with college and NFL football every weekend (or whatever their spouses like that they might not).

I hope you get a great job that you enjoy!

my advice: physically try to find a place with people like you who are uninterested in certain aspects of life. it's much easier to avoid feeling judgment when you have a place where you simply aren't judged as much.

second: if you feel like there is distance between you and your family and friends, are there things you can do to bridge that? do you like kids or want to be involved even if you don't want them yourself? would your friends and family appreciate that? if not, are there aspects to you where your friends can, or should value you perspective? from what you're saying it seems like that's part of the issue, not just judgment, but it's not seeming like they value what you have to say. and if they're your friends, there really should be something about you they value and that they're willing to demonstrate they value.

third: sometimes it's easy to overamplify the judgment we get from peers because we are aware that there is some unhappiness in our life elsewhere or we don't have a clear view of our future, long-term or short-term. so think about it: what do you value about your life? where do you get joy? do you want to do more of that? is there a goal you can focus on reaching? do you feel like you contribute something to your environment? if you don't, what do you want to contribute?

i'd rather not have kids/be married and feel judged than have one or both those things and secretly wish i hadn't

I'll be the odd one out here and say I do care what someone thinks of me; I care what I think of me, and that's the end of the list.

And while that sounds callous, it's really not; you are the only person whose opinion matters in the end. How much do you value your own opinion and your own judgment? Because if you like yourself, if you believe that you're worthy and fine and deserving just as much as anyone else of living however you want, then (*an it harm none) it truly doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. They can just be wrong, and that's fine! People are wrong all the time.

But it goes both ways. Because if you don't like yourself, if you don't believe that you're worthy and fine, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, either. Even if it's your parents, or your partner, or your kids. You'd end up doubting their words, second guessing their reassurances, and judging yourself either way.

The ironic and difficult part is that it's all circular. When you feel judged or wrong or different, how do you just like yourself? If you don't feel like you're worthy, how do you just start believing you are? And why does believing it make it true?

The trick I've found is that there's a difference between "what makes you feel better or gets you through the day" and "what makes you happy." When your parents tell you to do whatever makes you happy, they mean the latter, not the former. Find something to pursue, then pursue it. Find something you really want and try hard at it. Accomplish something. Learn something. Help others. Pick a thing, then do the thing, then have a concrete thing you can point to and say, I did that. Or that at least, you tried.

Even if it's something weird. Like collecting stamps? Make a stamp collection you can be proud of. Like writing fanfic? Write a ton! Plenty of people with spouses and children and money and not enough perspective wake up one day wondering what they've really done with their lives, while plenty of weirdos who love what they do love being alive. Nothing lights people up like talking about things they found fulfilling, and when they do, most people are jealous of how happy they are and wonder how they did it.

Instead of worrying about what you aren't doing, what can you be proud of that you are doing? Define yourself by what you are, and what you like, and what you find joy in, and not by what other people say you're supposedly failing to be based on goals that aren't even yours.

Do you like yourself, OP?

I think an earlier anon said something very relevant and wise - that not caring about what others think depends a great deal on how comfortable you are with yourself. A person who feels happy and secure with their life and the way they live it generally doesn't care what others think. Because why would they? Happiness is the proof that you're doing it right, regardless of what anyone else's standards. Of course, that's not easy to achieve.

IMO, you're very hard on yourself. It's a challenge to live independently and support oneself in this day and age. Wealth is more than most of us can hope to achieve, period. I'm in a similar position in that I don't have children or a career that I find fulfilling. I'm content with the former, still working on the latter. I try to think about what I really want out of life, and then I try to figure out how to best reach those goals. It's a work in progress, always. But as long as I'm working on it, that is satisfying to me even if I don't always succeed.

Single woman in her 30s, also single, no intention to have kids, also believe I will never date/marry though I tend to say "right now" to others (and myself) because I know there are no absolutes, just that based on my experiences I'm not someone attuned to intimacy and romance with another person.

I have been there and am still going through it.

My 20s up until 34-35 were rough as fuck.

I have a friend who I grew up with and we're the same age, and she seemed to have hit it all out of the ballpark. She got married and had kids in her 20s and took a couple years off working to stay home and watch her kids. When she got back into the workforce she found a job quick and is doing WFH now.
When she first had kids she would constantly tell me, "I can't wait until you have kids." I always felt so fucking shitty.
First, I felt completely too fucked up and ugly to even be seen romantically by anyone.
Second, a lifetime of parentification had me questioning if I even wanted to have kids (turns out, I don't want kids).
Third, I felt like I couldn't talk to my friend about the first 2 things because I felt like she just couldn't understand that I have things within me that I have to work on that make my experiences and perception different from her. Also, parenting is a full time job. I won't hold it against her for not having time to be there for me through my hardships. And honestly, when I did go to her with some problems she tried to be supportive but what she offered wasn't enough. And I learned that it's not her fault that I feel that way. Sometimes, someone can love you a lot but they can't fully understand and help you and that just means I have to find resources that can help.

To be completely honest, I still care a lot what people think but I've learned to recontextualize my POV to remind myself that the world doesn't work like I think/feel.

-other people aren't judging you as harshly as you may think
-even if someone is judging you, that judgment likely only appears when it's convenient to them; you're not in a constant state of "less than" in other people's mind as you may think
-so many other people are insecure too; some are probably meaner to themselves than they are you.

I still struggle to make connections and make friends. I still feel so lost and like I don't know what I want out of life.

But I'm trying to work on finding peace and happiness for me with the knowledge that what that means to me doesn't have to revolved around society's expectations.
I know people are skeptical of the "inner child" work but I do feel like I've gained some inner strength and care for myself and others by treating the scared, insecure, sad/depressed part of myself like a kid version of me.
I ask myself what I would have wanted a responsible adult/caretaker to do to help me and a lot of times I find a solution to help me process my thoughts, feelings and problems.

Like, life is hard. We all have our own paths to embark on.

Success is what you make of it, not what society says it is or what other people do.

All of this is so much easier said than done and I still struggle a lot. Not going to dress this up as cure-all.

Wish you a lot of luck and I hope you can be a little kinder to yourself.

Be the best friend to you that you've always wanted. Someone who reassures and helps instead of cracking jokes and self-depricates

TW: Suicidal ideation, maybe?

>>not interested in kids, most likely not interested in marriage, and not particularly even interested in dating anyone right now

So... having kids and potentially marrying/dating someone will not make you happy. Right? Being more "normal" would potentially make you miserable?
So why do you feel like a failure when you're following the path it's more likely to make you happy in the long run?

I'm a butch lesbian in her 30s who's never been into a real relation and who is currently unemployed due to mental health problems.
When my friends or family comment about "my lifestyle", that is honestly in complete chaos and disarray at the moment, I just shrug and go "YEAH. I'm fucked up. But if I'd follow what you think is a successful life, I'd end up killing myself. So thanks but no thanks"
The houses my sisters bought themselves with their partner? FUCK THAT. My sister who just had a kid and is the happiest she's ever been? GOOD FOR HER BUT FUCK THAT. My other sister who is thriving in her new fancy job and managerial position? NAAAAH. THERE'S NO PAYING I'D TAKE FOR THAT LEVEL OF STRESS LOL

It's not that I don't care about what my loved ones think about me. I care because what they think about me reflects what THEIR worries (ending up alone) and THEIR values (family, career) are. They care about me enough to judge me and try to help me in their own (often misguided and biased) way. I'm actually grateful for that. They worry.

But I just... shrug. It's not like I'd ever be able to follow their advices or the idealistic lifestyle that society admires and promotes the most. I CAN'T.
Thinking about marrying, having a kid, getting a dog, building a career, buying a house... It kills me. I'd rather be death or live in constant poverty than do that.

>>My parents say they don't care about any of that and just want me to do whatever makes me happy, but I can't help but feel like they're disappointed in me, even if they don't say it.
My parents are the same. I do believe they're disappointed in some of my choices because they don't understand them (they actually said so themselves), but still respect me and want me to find my way. They worry about me because my life is full of insecurities, compared to my other two sisters'.
The thing is... my parents are disappointed in my sisters, too. For obviously different reasons than me, but still. Even with their more traditional paths, my sisters still became someone or made choices than my parents don't fully appreciate. It's normal.
Parents will always be slightly disappointed in their children.

But you can't live your life trying to appease your parents (or friends, or partner...). That's something that children do, when they apply themselves at school to have good grades to show their parents to and be praised.
When you're out of the school system we find other arbitrary parameters we should follow to show our parents and peers in order to be praised (usually family, houses, careers) and "feel normal" and that's a valid human thing to do.
The problem is that it'll probably make you miserable in the long run.

If the good grades or the "normalcy" is not something you personally WANT, but still you pursue it in order to appease others, then you really "fail".
You fail yourself, your values and your desires. Just to feed into the need to feel included in a false sense of normalcy. You become a failure to yourself just in order to become "normal" and accepted.
I think though you'll then not accept yourself. And you yourself is the most important person in your life. So you should probably follow what you want and compare yourself to who you were in your past and who you truly want to be in your future.
That's the only comparison that matters to me.

Hence, this TL;DR is why I "don't care" what other people think about me. I somewhat still care because it's still valuable external input, but I don't base my personal value in their judgement. They're not me and they don't know what I need to be and do in order to truly be myself.
Hope this makes sense. :D

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