fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5987 ]

[ SECRET POST #5987 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5987 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Maybe this is the reason my reaction to something like your bowl problem would be to say "Wait, I need that" instead of "Don't put that away." I'm a woman, but I find someone just telling me not to do something without saying why a little snappish. I mean to say, I think I'm like the men in your life in that I need specific instructions and explanations to not be confused. And the towel thing, well, they could say sorry, but telling you they forgot doesn't necessarily mean they think you don't know that. It's just like, I'm being yelled at, this is awkward, what can I say, and fall on awkwardly stating the obvious. I've done this before too. I used to bite my nails all the time with nobody commenting on it, and then one day out of the blue my mom snapped "Are you ever going to quit biting your nails?!" All I could manage was "...It's a habit." My mom said "I KNOW it's a habit! It's a BAD habit!" Yes, duh, I knew that she knew it was a habit. I wasn't telling her that because I thought she didn't know. Tbh OP you and the men you know both seem to have good reasons for your behavior and you also both seem a bit rude and tactless.

Yeaaah same.
-Your towel is on the floor!!!
-Damn I forgot
I also can go into eleborate explanations about things, not because I think the other person is stupid, but because I reeeealllly don't know what is obvious for other people and what is not. So I can start explaining and I wait for other person to stop me.

I think there is communication issue from all sides here. Also I really don't understand why OP is still together with a person they don't even like.

I agree on the communication issue. It does sound very frustrating to deal with doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Maybe trying something different would help, like the explanations ayrt and other anons listed. Not with the intention of controlling what the other person does, but it's very clear that the current strategy isn't working and is just making everyone miserable.

HONESTLY. I mean, not everyone can safely get a divorce, especially in this economy-- and leaving the husband might mean having to live full time with the dad, if they aren't already in a multigenerational home... but it just sounds exhausting. And the level of vitriol it's leading to is... like, not great.

I don't know, my dad was the one who did all the cooking, cleaning, primary childcare, so I can't relate to the whole weaponized incompetence thing, and I wasn't conditioned to accept worthless men. My mom's dad, similarly, while not the primary caregiver and homemaker during her childhood, was a man who spent time with his children, and who I remember cooking to feed his family, taking on the bulk of the homemaking during his retirement years. So I think it's just... if your example is a man who steps up, you won't settle for one who can't. But if your example is a man who drives you absolutely crazy and doesn't know how to listen, you wind up marrying the wrong man, and then you wind up just feeling like every man must be like this.

The men I know, the men I'm friends with, the men in my family, like they might not all be independent as adults in this economy, but they ARE all skilled listeners, who know how to cook and clean. They're out there! And I'm sorry that OP didn't have the bar set higher when she was younger. But, I hope everyone else out there holds out. Having no man at all is better than having a bad one. But a good one will actually behave like a partner instead of a burden.

Yeah, I'm also a woman, and while I get why OP is frustrated, I would (and do) react to similar situations differently. With the bowl thing, I'd be like "I'm using that, leave it alone" and with the dad ordering random gadgets my response would just be "no thanks" and if he kept on about it, I would be like "I said I wasn't interested, but if I do need one, I'm perfectly capable of buying one myself" and then walk away.

But maybe I'm just a bitch. *shrug*

Yup, all of this.

It honestly just sounds like everyone in the house is communicating in wildly different ways and not understanding that at all. I understand it's a vent so OP is over the top but honestly it sounds like she is solidly half (or 1/3 since there's three people?) of the problem.

Also wildly sexist. I've had communication problems with all genders, it's part of being in an adult relationship.

But isn't "Don't put that away" a specific instruction? If you've already got the bowl in your hand and you're putting it away, you know what that's in reference to, surely. So where's the confusion?

I understand OP because this annoys me too. And frankly, I don't think you or anyone else NEEDS "explanations" for something so simple. Just don't put the bowl away like the person asked. It's not necessary for you to know why they don't want it put away. Just... don't do it. Literally just put the bowl back where you found it and you're done. Insisting that oh noooo you need to know that they're using it (which... duh) or you're just so confuuuuused and it's not your fault and if only the woman had used a nicer, sweeter tone when they asked you not to put it away it'd be fine but since they didn't, it's the woman's fault for issuing a specific instruction that wasn't the right kind of specific instruction, according to you, etc. etc.

You might not have meant it this way, but be aware that men doing the whole, "I would've totally done the thing if only the woman in my life had told me what she wanted done/said it in a nicer way" is frequently used as a lazy argument from lazy men who don't actually want to be helpful AND who don't want to be blamed for being UNhelpful. Weaponized incompetence.

+100

For fucking real

So, don't be nice or else you're helping the patriarchy and its weaponized incompetence. Got it.

If being nice worked, it would have by now...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #5987 ]

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.