fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5987 ]

I swear to god I'm ready to pull my hair out by the roots because this is like a recurring pattern in my life and I'm pretty sure it's down to good old-fashioned sexism but... are any other women reading this plagued by men who go selectively deaf and moronic when you speak? This is an example of what I mean.

I'll be in the kitchen, cooking. Like standing there chopping vegetables, whatever. And I'll have a bowl sitting on the counter, ready to hold the vegetables I'm cutting. It's not rocket science, you don't have to be psychic to figure out that's what the purpose of the bowl is. It didn't get there by itself, after all. Then along comes my husband (or, alternately, my father) and he'll pick up the bowl and start putting it away. I'll look up and say, "Hey, don't do that!" And my husband (or father!) might pause (or he might keep putting it away because HE'S NOT LISTENING TO ME) and they'll turn around and tell me, "I'm just putting the bowl away."

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Like, do I look so stupid that I don't understand that you picking up a bowl and putting it back in the cabinet is putting the bowl away? Why do you explain what you're doing? I'm not saying "no don't do that" because I'm too dumb to grasp that you're putting the bowl away. I'm saying "no don't do that" because I DON'T WANT YOU TO PUT THE BOWL AWAY BECAUSE I'M USING IT AND I'M THE ONE WHO TOOK IT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND PUT IT NEARBY MY WORK SPACE BECAUSE I'M VERY OBVIOUSLY DOING SOMETHING HERE.

Like they literally CANNOT just go, "Oh okay, sorry" and leave the bowl alone and preferably get the hell out of the kitchen so I can continue cooking in peace. They have to stop and EXPLAIN TO ME THEIR VERY OBVIOUS ACTION THAT THEY'RE TAKING THAT THEY KNOW I CAN SEE. As if I'M the one who's wrong. I have to explain, "I'm using that bowl and I need it. Don't put it away." before they go, "Oh, okaaaaay" and finally give up. If I show any hint of frustration or anger or hint that maybe it'd be better if they leave the kitchen and let me get out with my work, they go, "I was just trying to HELP!"

Seriously, fuck you men. I didn't ask for your help, and just coming in and doing whatever the fuck you want without asking me isn't helpful. You don't know what you're doing, and you're not paying attention to what I'm doing for context, so therefore, you're not equipped to help. You're just being interfering assholes who want brownie points for "helping" but without actually putting in any real effort. Or, you know, CHECKING IN WITH ME,THE PERSON DOING ALL THE WORK WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING. This is true for everything, not just cooking.

"Please don't leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor after you shower."
"Oh, I just forgot and left it there."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK? YOU JUST REPEATED WHAT I SAID? I DON'T NEED TO BE TOLD YOU DID IT, I ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE. PICK UP YOUR FUCKING TOWEL AND PUT IT IN THE HAMPER LIKE AN ADULT AND DO THE SAME WITH ALL YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

My dad is the worst culprit and he will ask me, "Do you want [some item that he's shopping online for]?" and I'll think about and say no thanks, usually because he's kind of packrat who buys a lot of knick knacks and gadgets and we don't have the same taste or needs. Instead of hearing and accepting my polite no thank you, he'll proceed to explain to me what the item is, what it can be used for, all its features, blah blah blah. And I'll politely listen and say, no thanks, I don't need that. Which will trigger off an even longer explanation of its features and uses, with a lot of repetition from the speech I heard five seconds earlier. He literally will not shut up about it until I explain, in great depth and detail, exactly why this item will not work for me, why it would not be useful to me, why I do not need it, why it lacks features I want and contains other features I do not want, etc. etc. before he'll FINALLY agree to let this go and accept that I really don't want it.

The lecture is tiresome enough, but what makes me mad is that he simply cannot accept my no. He refuses to believe that I'm intelligent or competent enough to figure out whether I do or do not need that item, whether I would like or dislike it. He feels he knows better than I do, which is why he launches into a longwinded explanation of every single thing about it, so he can convince me that I'm wrong/mistaken and that I really do want/need it. I'll have to PROVE to him that I don't, which is just... insulting af. But he doesn't see that.

I curse this society who raised men like this. I curse myself for making the mistake of marrying one. If I had to do it all over again, I'd avoid any personal relationships with men, forever. I know, #notallmen. But you know, enough of them are like this that I'm not interested in the whole damn gender. I'll admire the pretty ones from afar, I'll be polite to the ones I have to interact with, but fuck personal relationships and fuck them.

I am SO SORRY you're dealing with such inconsiderate, selfcentered, rude and condescending people. That sounds unbearable.

Maybe this is the reason my reaction to something like your bowl problem would be to say "Wait, I need that" instead of "Don't put that away." I'm a woman, but I find someone just telling me not to do something without saying why a little snappish. I mean to say, I think I'm like the men in your life in that I need specific instructions and explanations to not be confused. And the towel thing, well, they could say sorry, but telling you they forgot doesn't necessarily mean they think you don't know that. It's just like, I'm being yelled at, this is awkward, what can I say, and fall on awkwardly stating the obvious. I've done this before too. I used to bite my nails all the time with nobody commenting on it, and then one day out of the blue my mom snapped "Are you ever going to quit biting your nails?!" All I could manage was "...It's a habit." My mom said "I KNOW it's a habit! It's a BAD habit!" Yes, duh, I knew that she knew it was a habit. I wasn't telling her that because I thought she didn't know. Tbh OP you and the men you know both seem to have good reasons for your behavior and you also both seem a bit rude and tactless.

Yeaaah same.
-Your towel is on the floor!!!
-Damn I forgot
I also can go into eleborate explanations about things, not because I think the other person is stupid, but because I reeeealllly don't know what is obvious for other people and what is not. So I can start explaining and I wait for other person to stop me.

I think there is communication issue from all sides here. Also I really don't understand why OP is still together with a person they don't even like.

I agree on the communication issue. It does sound very frustrating to deal with doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Maybe trying something different would help, like the explanations ayrt and other anons listed. Not with the intention of controlling what the other person does, but it's very clear that the current strategy isn't working and is just making everyone miserable.

HONESTLY. I mean, not everyone can safely get a divorce, especially in this economy-- and leaving the husband might mean having to live full time with the dad, if they aren't already in a multigenerational home... but it just sounds exhausting. And the level of vitriol it's leading to is... like, not great.

I don't know, my dad was the one who did all the cooking, cleaning, primary childcare, so I can't relate to the whole weaponized incompetence thing, and I wasn't conditioned to accept worthless men. My mom's dad, similarly, while not the primary caregiver and homemaker during her childhood, was a man who spent time with his children, and who I remember cooking to feed his family, taking on the bulk of the homemaking during his retirement years. So I think it's just... if your example is a man who steps up, you won't settle for one who can't. But if your example is a man who drives you absolutely crazy and doesn't know how to listen, you wind up marrying the wrong man, and then you wind up just feeling like every man must be like this.

The men I know, the men I'm friends with, the men in my family, like they might not all be independent as adults in this economy, but they ARE all skilled listeners, who know how to cook and clean. They're out there! And I'm sorry that OP didn't have the bar set higher when she was younger. But, I hope everyone else out there holds out. Having no man at all is better than having a bad one. But a good one will actually behave like a partner instead of a burden.

Yeah, I'm also a woman, and while I get why OP is frustrated, I would (and do) react to similar situations differently. With the bowl thing, I'd be like "I'm using that, leave it alone" and with the dad ordering random gadgets my response would just be "no thanks" and if he kept on about it, I would be like "I said I wasn't interested, but if I do need one, I'm perfectly capable of buying one myself" and then walk away.

But maybe I'm just a bitch. *shrug*

Yup, all of this.

It honestly just sounds like everyone in the house is communicating in wildly different ways and not understanding that at all. I understand it's a vent so OP is over the top but honestly it sounds like she is solidly half (or 1/3 since there's three people?) of the problem.

Also wildly sexist. I've had communication problems with all genders, it's part of being in an adult relationship.

But isn't "Don't put that away" a specific instruction? If you've already got the bowl in your hand and you're putting it away, you know what that's in reference to, surely. So where's the confusion?

I understand OP because this annoys me too. And frankly, I don't think you or anyone else NEEDS "explanations" for something so simple. Just don't put the bowl away like the person asked. It's not necessary for you to know why they don't want it put away. Just... don't do it. Literally just put the bowl back where you found it and you're done. Insisting that oh noooo you need to know that they're using it (which... duh) or you're just so confuuuuused and it's not your fault and if only the woman had used a nicer, sweeter tone when they asked you not to put it away it'd be fine but since they didn't, it's the woman's fault for issuing a specific instruction that wasn't the right kind of specific instruction, according to you, etc. etc.

You might not have meant it this way, but be aware that men doing the whole, "I would've totally done the thing if only the woman in my life had told me what she wanted done/said it in a nicer way" is frequently used as a lazy argument from lazy men who don't actually want to be helpful AND who don't want to be blamed for being UNhelpful. Weaponized incompetence.

+100

For fucking real

So, don't be nice or else you're helping the patriarchy and its weaponized incompetence. Got it.

Men who don't fucking listen.

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Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.