fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5987 ]

[ SECRET POST #5987 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5987 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i honestly see it in badically every hetero marriage in my friend circel/family. Really does not recommend the state of marriage to me at all. I'd rather stay single and clean up my own messes that i know i am responsible for, than be with a person i have to think for as well. hell no.

ayrt

Saaaaame. All the straight women I know treat their husbands like toddlers that they have to do everything for. Whenever I ask why they don't just...not do whatever it is, and let him do it himself, the answer is always that then it just won't get done, and it makes her life harder so she'd rather just do it herself to begin with.

Nooooooo thank you.

weaponized incompetence.
the dudes were raised this way.

No, it's all calculated, the Illuminati is real and they hold very important meetings about how to weaponize their incompetence against their wives to keep the evil women from taking over the world

Weaponized incompetence isn’t a conspiracy theory.

Same. I figure the people who read OP's vent and thought oh, it must be partly her fault because this isn't a gender issue!! are either very young, or very naive. Maybe they haven't had to live with many men on a long term basis where they're the primary caretaker and not, for example, their mother. This is totally a gender issue. Sure, lots of women also don't listen. But there's a degree of cultural toxicity surrounding male vs. female gender roles when it comes to personal relationships that's so deeply ingrained it's not always obvious and internalized misogyny/sexism is a thing.

One of my best friends is married to a guy with an advanced degree in STEM who has a professional job. He's fully capable of doing many complicated things. He doesn't do laundry because he shrinks stuff, mangles stuff, mixes colors and dyes the whites, etc. Laundry isn't rocket science and nobody is born knowing how to do it. If he cared to learn how to do it properly, he could. But stuff like this is not at all uncommon and it gets frequently excused when men somehow can't figure out basic household chores.

Do you know who gives my friend a hard time about this? Her mother in law. Because according to her MIL, her precious son shouldn't have to do women's work and if my friend doesn't look after two young kids on her own, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry herself perfectly, she's a bad wife. MIL did all of this for her family, her husband and sons never had to raise a finger to help and that's how she believes it ought to be for the next generation. Internalized sexism right there, and this is how the cycle is perpetuated.

^^^^^^

All of this!

Where do you live? I see it almost nowhere. I hear way more talk about it online, so I've started looking for it, and I'm "old," so I've been hearing this shit and looking for probably over a decade, and I still almost never see it.

Sadly I see it in my own parents. My dad isn't a bad guy but wow was he fucked up by the upbringing and he has no reason to change. That's not an isolated thing, it's quite a normal dynamic. But I am not from western country. Also it's more rare in men my age (late 30s) and younger.

Nayrt

I’m curious where you live too, because AYRT’s experiences are pretty common from what I’ve seen and experienced. And I’m old too, as is the type of behavior they’re talking about. To the point where it’s considered stereotypical behavior for men to be like this, even though obviously not every man fits the stereotype. But if you’ve never seen it, despite knowing it exists from online, you could just be really lucky to have never encountered it. Or alternatively, it’s not actually as common as those of us with anecdotal experiences may assume it is.

nayrt

I'm the southern US, and it's common here. More common in my parents' age group than mine, but still, it's definitely a thing.

EU, am now in my mid thirties, if thats important.

must be nice to live where you live. any single persons around your place?

The behavior is so long established that it's socially acceptable and normalized, which might be why you're not seeing it. My dad did zero housework until my mom died and even now he relies on me and my siblings to do it for him, mostly. He'll do some stuff like washing dishes and some cooking, but he's never cleaned a bathroom his whole adult life (and I'm not sure he did it in childhood, either) and it's honestly never occurred to him that this is weird or unfair in any way. He's just used to the bathroom being cleaned by other people, who happen to be female. To him, it's not sexist, it's just the way things are.

That's just one example, this type of behavior is common as dirt. Men who leave home and don't know how to do their own laundry, vacuum, buy groceries, cook a basic meal, make their own medical appointments, etc. Fathers who have never changed a diaper, don't know their own kids' likes/dislikes/food allergies, don't do bath times or bed times, expect to come home after work and do absolutely nothing with their kids, or just as bad, they're the "fun parent" who only does fun stuff and checks out for everything else, etc. etc. Boyfriends/husbands who don't listen to their partner's preferences, expect a hot dinner but don't know how to scramble an egg, expect to be waited on hand and foot when they're sick but their wives have to bootstrap it through their day AND still have dinner waiting, love blowjobs but won't return the favor, decide that they "need a break from work" so they'll game for eight hours straight on Saturdays while their wives look after the kids without a break, etc. etc.

These dudes are a dime a dozen. If I had a dollar for every guy like this I saw/heard of, I'd be typing this from my high tech castle built on my own private island in the Bahamas while my robot maid brought me an ice cold beverage and a charcuterie plattter.

I live in a pretty liberal area in west coast Canada and this shit is still super common. Literally all of my friends parents had this dynamic, my mother and her SO have it, and several of my friends have it in their marriages. I'm honestly curious where you live that you've somehow found an oasis away from this crap.

This

ayrt hasn't found any kind of sexism oasis. They just don't see it because it seems so normal.

This does seem like the most likely answer.

As someone who grew up very much blue-collar working-class, with most of my friends and acquaintances in the same general social class, I do wonder if gender bullshit perhaps manifests somewhat differently among the well-off and the upwardly-mobile white-collar classes? I'm not even hypothesizing that it does, just genuinely wondering.

I mean, it does kind of make sense to me that the more you can afford to outsource your menial daily tasks to others (daycare, baby-sitters, nannies, restaurants, take-out, meal kits, spending more on food that's easier to put together, house-cleaning services, paying people to come fix things as soon as they break, buying convenient household devices and amenities, dry-cleaning, buying good shit that's less likely to have issues in the first place, etc. etc. etc.) the less of a glaring problem the unequal division of household labor is likely to be. But I honestly have no idea.

I'm also not suggesting that upper and upper-middle class people deal with less ingrained sexism on the whole; I'm only pondering whether it might manifest slightly differently depending on things like socioeconomic status, etc.

Fuck off, I knew I'd get a response like this which is why I added that I LOOK FOR THIS SHIT and still don't see it. I'm aware it's normalized and attempt to open my eyes by actively trying to see the thing you're telling me I ignore because it's normalized. I still don't.

United States, a mid-sized city roughly halfway down the East Coast.

Also East Coast and yeah, I can't say I've ever really seen it here either.

I grew up in New England and I can't say this type of behavior is something I grew up seeing. I've seen it since in friends relationships, but it's pretty rare even then.

Same, I've seen it but only in men who are in their 60s-70s. Younger guys around here don't act like that.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #5987 ]

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

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Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

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Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

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Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

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Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

AYRT telling y'all where I live

Re: AYRT telling y'all where I live

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.

Re: Men who don't fucking listen.