[ SECRET POST #6228 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6228 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 18 secrets from Secret Submission Post #890.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

09. https://i.imgur.com/oZNvZ9E.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

It has taken me an enormously long time to learn not to offer people help if they don't ask for it directly.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not so sure if this is necessarily the best approach. I know I've struggled asking for help because I can't figure out how to phrase things or where to start. In those cases, having someone ask, "How may I help?" can generate a conversation that helps me articulate where I need assistance.

On the flip side, when I have been able to ask for help and articulate what I need, I've been misunderstood, dismissed, or treated with varying levels of contempt. It's made me a lot more hesitant to reach out.

[(Anonymous)]

“How can I help?” is quite a bit different from what OP is doing though.

“I have decided that you need help, and that what would help you best are these things that I am giving you whether you want them or not” is presumptuous.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed that OP's approach is very different. That said, my response was less inspired by the OP's behavior and more by this part of the previous comment: " if they don't ask for it directly."

[(Anonymous)]

“I have decided that you need help, and that what would help you best are these things that I am giving you whether you want them or not” is presumptuous.

I'd actually like that. To me it shows a friend is paying attention and is proactive in showing they care and trying to help. I wish I had friends that would do stuff like that. But I am also a person that can easily say no thank you and does not get offended easily. I could see someone who is more sensitive (said in a neutral way, not mocking at all) seeing this as a passive aggressive attack. Which, tbf, it sounds like maybe OP started as genuine and now is just being passive aggressive so I can see it both ways.

[(Anonymous)]

Breathe, OP. This is where the cliché “You can lead a horse to water…” comes in.

[(Anonymous)]

You are being annoying.

If she wants to suck at writing, that's her problem and not yours. She has to figure out what she needs to do in order to improve (and that's assuming she even wants to and isn't just complaining for attention).

Chances are she'll stop talking about her writing around you if you don't show any interest in it (or behave in an indifferent manner to her complaints).

[(Anonymous)]

And to be fair, OP didn't even say she sucked at writing, just that she said 'it's difficult and what she writes isn't popular'. If it's fic, popular has NO bearing on quality. People are going to lap up their preferred pairings/etc (not that there's anything wrong with reading what you like) but people who don't prefer those popular/juggernaut things aren't going to get a lot of foot traffic.

Now if OP's friend had specifically asked for writing advice or what she needed to do to be more popular, I could see OP's annoyance, but "Damn writing is hard work, and I don't seem to get a lot of comments/hits." isn't that.

[(Anonymous)]

I dunno, if it were just a matter of people liking different things, I don't think OP would be sending so many materials on improving writing to the friend.

[(Anonymous)]

...Could I have the link about how to network in the publishing industry? If she doesn't want your help, I certainly wouldn't mind getting it instead lol.

[(Anonymous)]

stop

[(Anonymous)]

You don't sound helpful in this situation, unfortunately. Her writing may be bad. But those resources may not be what she needs. People learn differently and your way may not be right for her. Many writers improve most through practice and through reading, not with "writing guides." Regardless, insisting on showing her more things she wasn't responsive to will only cause drama.

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly this. Everyone has to find things that work for them, at their own pace. Shoving endless resources that aren't working for the writer isn't helping and may even be stressing them out more.

[(Anonymous)]

I get it, but it doesn't sound like you're helping her or you.

There was someone I used to follow for their, art who also wrote fic and original work.

Their art was much better than their writing, but they constantly reblogged the kind of info you keep showing your friend. What they didn't do was read.

They liked manga and anime and films, and read fanfic, but claimed there were no published books that contained everything they wanted to read and none of the things that squicked them.

And it was really obvious in their writing that they hadn't read enough of anything to even figure out all the basics, even though they were writing in their first language. They wrote the equivalent of maybe a 500 page book without improving all that much. Meanwhile their art changed and improved as they discovered new influences and techniques.

I hope your friend figures out a way forward that works for her. If she's mostly complaining on social media, maybe block the tags she uses or ask her to tag her writing stuff or rants or whatever if she's not already tagging it.

If the complaining's happening in person, you can try redirecting the conversation but that's not always going to work.

Good luck.

[(Anonymous)]

A+ design for this secret, kudos to its maker!

Regarding the secret itself, as annoying as it is sometimes it's best to just let people be and they'll eventually come around by themselves. Or not, but the point is that there's only so much we personally can do for other people.

[(Anonymous)]

I have a question. Are you sending these things to your friend and saying "I think this will be helpful to you" or are you just sending them and hoping they understand your intent?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm wondering if the OP asked this person if they wanted assistance before sending stuff over.

[(Anonymous)]

You're being a shitty friend, sorry.

It's especially a bad look if you give the advice, etc. to her when she didn't ask for help. Even with the best intentions, your secret comes off like you're wishing for your friend to do what you want and completely disregarding what she wants or thinks.

IMO if you do want to help your friend, ask her directly what you can do to help, even if it's just to listen to her talk/vent/brainstorm (and don't offer any advice when she's doing this - unless she directly asks).

Well meaning people in my life have tried to help me but I often found their offers to help grating.
It's nothing personal to my friends and family. Like, I don't think they have bad tastes or that they are giving me useless things/advice. I feel like I need to set my own path in this stubborn child sort of way I suppose.
Try getting into a writer's mind, and maybe you'll understand why we self sabotage in inconceivable ways.

[(Anonymous)]

An online friend who has since passed away used to share resources like this with me, and this secret made me wonder for a moment if she was doing the same thing. Then I remembered she didn't beat around the bush when betaing, so she probably would've just said it to my face if she thought I sorely needed to use the resources.

[(Anonymous)]

I’d cut you out of my life so fast. Obviously what you’re doing isn’t helping instead of thinking about what would help and trying other things, including moderation. You even admit you’ve buried them in stuff and I’d bet it’s just piled on more pressure. Hopefully they cut you off since you won’t stop. Maybe with a little breathing room they will learn to tell their story and reshape it into the format they aspire to produce.

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe don't send "piles and piles" of the stuff, that you even acknowledge is probably annoying your friend? Once in a while offering a link and asking if they want to see it is one thing. But generally you need to wait for someone to ask for help and don't try to force it on them.