[ SECRET POST #6381 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6381 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


01.



__________________________________________________



02.



__________________________________________________



03.



__________________________________________________



04.



__________________________________________________



05.



__________________________________________________



06.



__________________________________________________



07.
















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 21 secrets from Secret Submission Post #912.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Late night venting.

[(Anonymous)]

I could have written most of this a couple years ago. The main differences are that we don’t have kids and one of us has major health problems. We ended up going to counseling because we really didn’t have any other options except divorce. And we couldn’t afford to get divorced. I could have stayed with my dad short term but ultimately my husband would be stuck providing a home for me plus one for himself. We’d both end up with less than what we had together so we tried to make it work. In our case, counseling worked. That isn’t always the way it works out though.

I get not wanting to go but if he’s bringing it up because he knows you’re ready to leave, it means he’s willing to sit down with a mediator who can translate and untangle emotions for you both. And maybe you don’t need that but he might. But if you’re truly done, just get filing. It will be messy but worth it for all of you. And if you have a close friend or a personal therapist you can really lean on, it will help you manage dealing with your parents’ well meaning but awful pep talks and involvement.

Whatever happens, I hope you get the peaceful life you want and deserve <3

Re: Late night venting.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, that means a lot. I'm torn. I feel guilty and sad for wanting to give up and get out, because it feels like throwing away 15+ years of marriage. But I don't want to fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. Part of me is worried that he'll be able to BS whatever therapist we see because he seems reasonable on the surface and he sounds really genuine and sincere when he says he wants to change and do better. He talks such a good game - that's why I've stayed for so many years, hoping that he'll change! But it somehow never seems to happen, and if I bring it up, I'm the bad guy for not being more patient and supportive of his efforts. I'm not enthusiastic about counseling because I think he'll do the same - act like he's listening, he agrees with whatever you're saying, he'll work on it... and then... *crickets*

I regret getting married. I never want to date, marry or live with a man ever again for as long as I live. It's just too much work.

Re: Late night venting.

[(Anonymous)]

My husband is similar but he has made tremendous effort the last few years. I also regret getting married and I’d still leave if I could.

For our counseling, our therapist was really good at cutting through the bullshit. There was no faking anything with her LOL We kinda plateaued and took a break for a while to really assess if it was working. At the time, I had a weird medical thing going on that looked like it was psychosomatic but during the break I figured out what it was and got the diagnosis confirmed. It changed a ton of stuff for us and after about a year we suddenly noticed we were much happier and had been implementing stuff from counseling. We actually tried to go back but sadly our therapist had passed away from cancer a few months after we last saw her.
I’m someone who does best living alone. I need a lot of alone time and I have no patience for adults who need to be treated like children when it comes to responsibilities outside of their job or career. And I will forever be bitter that I spent 13 years telling him stuff over and over only to have to start over after counseling and teach him like I never tried before. It’s great that he was finally willing to learn but bullshit that he couldn’t be bothered sooner. I have other resentments and I think everyone does after so long but some of mine are extreme and he has ruined once in a lifetime things for me and I just can’t forgive. I do my best to forget for my own sake but I do think that someday I’ll just up and leave. I’m inheriting everything when my father passes away and I dream of where I will go with that money.

Re: Late night venting.

[(Anonymous)]

Holy shit, it's like we're the same person, only I can't honestly say that my husband has made tremendous effort in anything. TBH, I think he's really used to not putting in any effort at all, and that's partly my fault. For the first ten years of our marriage, I did all the housework, cleaning, cooking, etc. He didn't have to do a thing. But as soon as I had health issues and couldn't keep up, I started asking him to help - not to actually clean the WHOLE bathroom, of course! Just to try to aim better when he's urinating, and if he misses, that's fine but take some toilet paper and clean it up. He was embarrassed and said he'd do it, and then he didn't.

I pointed out that we talked about this, but he was still peeing on the toilet rim and not cleaning it. Well, it wasn't his fault because he didn't see it. Okay, I asked him to take a Lysol cleaning wipe (kept on the back of the toilet tank) and just wipe around the rim once a week, whether he thought he needed to or not. He said he would (embarrassed, angry at me for "treating [him] like a child") and then didn't do it. I got angry and asked him why a grown man couldn't aim properly OR clean up his own urine and he got defensive and said he'd never cleaned a toilet and didn't know how! So somehow that absolved him of ever cleaning up after himself, and I was the meanie butt for humiliating him by telling him to clean up his own pee. More than a decade later and multiple fights, he will now clean the toilet every once in a while. That's nice and all, but that was a huge battle to fight to get a man to clean a toilet once a month or less, and I'm resentful as hell that he couldn't figure out how to do this earlier.

This is a grown man who has a fairly complicated, STEM-related job that he manages to do on his own, without my managerial oversight. It's just household stuff and relationship stuff where he's a helpless babe in the woods who cannot be blamed for his inability to solve basic problems like a dirty toilet. Like you, I find it really hard to forgive, especially when he's not, IMO, trying hard enough and simultaneously blaming me for being negative and not delivering this message in a gentler, more positive way or being patient enough for wait for another decade while he learns to be an adult and caring partner.

I hope you use your inheritance to give yourself some well-earned peace, space and quiet.

Re: Late night venting.

[(Anonymous)]

See a financial adviser. It might be best - if there's going to be anything left of your father's estate after elder care costs - to divorce now, so you don't have to split that money.