fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6381 ]

[ SECRET POST #6381 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6381 ⌋

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I've been feeling angry and depressed lately because it's getting harder and harder to avoid this creeping realization that I should probably file for divorce. My husband isn't abusive, there's been no cheating (AFAIK) on either end, there isn't someone else I want to be with... it's just the usual immature man child stuff: doesn't listen to anything I say, doesn't help out around the house or clean up after himself unless I tell him repeatedly and then will do a crap job with some lame excuse about why he half-assed it ("I guess I don't really notice when something is dirty so it's hard for me to clean it properly"), doesn't do the emotional labor of keeping up relationships so he's lonely and has nobody to talk to so I need to be there for him 24/7 but if I've got COVID and need help, he's busy and can't do it, etc. etc.

I'm just tired of living with someone who's casually inconsiderate and selfish. I don't care if he doesn't do it to be malicious. It just hurts being married to someone who never thinks about your feelings, or whether or not his actions will have a negative effect on you, and doesn't seem to care when he's told. I've tried to talk to him about it over the years, but it upsets him and the whole discussion turns into a big thing about HIS feelings and how hurt HE is and how I'm being sooooo negative and overwhelming him so that he can't think about it or deal with it and then the whole thing gets swept under the rug. Every time I try to bring something up in a gentle, non-accusatory way, he gets defensive and upset. He says he loves me and wants to stay married. He just... doesn't want to change any of his behaviors, even the behaviors he agrees are unhelpful, selfish or toxic. He wants a better relationship with me, but he doesn't want to do any work towards it. He gets mad at me and insists he does want to fix things, but... he doesn't do it. He promises to do stuff, then doesn't do it.

I'll be honest, some of the reasons why I'm still here is because we share a special needs child who requires more than one person's attention, and because untangling our living situation would be financially messy and uncomfortable. I could move back in with my parents, who love me, but that would be 1) a financial and physical burden on them that would be difficult at their age, and 2) embarrassing and they'd try to get way too involved out of a desire to help and they'd end up hurting me and pissing me off with unsolicited advice that would also be a little bit victim-blamey, i.e. I shouldn't expect men to know how to clean because they're men, etc.

If I won the lottery and could walk away from this living situation and be on my own, cleanly and quietly, I would've done it already. If I knew I could support myself AND my child without being a burden on others, I'd pack my bags and brace myself for the messy custody battle. I'd have no hesitation because I have no confidence he's really going to try and do better. I'm tired. I don't want to go to couples counseling and talk about this - he's desperate enough to suggest this now that he knows I'm thinking about divorce - I just want to live my life peacefully and that feels impossible if I stay in this marriage.

I could have written most of this a couple years ago. The main differences are that we don’t have kids and one of us has major health problems. We ended up going to counseling because we really didn’t have any other options except divorce. And we couldn’t afford to get divorced. I could have stayed with my dad short term but ultimately my husband would be stuck providing a home for me plus one for himself. We’d both end up with less than what we had together so we tried to make it work. In our case, counseling worked. That isn’t always the way it works out though.

I get not wanting to go but if he’s bringing it up because he knows you’re ready to leave, it means he’s willing to sit down with a mediator who can translate and untangle emotions for you both. And maybe you don’t need that but he might. But if you’re truly done, just get filing. It will be messy but worth it for all of you. And if you have a close friend or a personal therapist you can really lean on, it will help you manage dealing with your parents’ well meaning but awful pep talks and involvement.

Whatever happens, I hope you get the peaceful life you want and deserve <3

Thank you, that means a lot. I'm torn. I feel guilty and sad for wanting to give up and get out, because it feels like throwing away 15+ years of marriage. But I don't want to fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. Part of me is worried that he'll be able to BS whatever therapist we see because he seems reasonable on the surface and he sounds really genuine and sincere when he says he wants to change and do better. He talks such a good game - that's why I've stayed for so many years, hoping that he'll change! But it somehow never seems to happen, and if I bring it up, I'm the bad guy for not being more patient and supportive of his efforts. I'm not enthusiastic about counseling because I think he'll do the same - act like he's listening, he agrees with whatever you're saying, he'll work on it... and then... *crickets*

I regret getting married. I never want to date, marry or live with a man ever again for as long as I live. It's just too much work.

My husband is similar but he has made tremendous effort the last few years. I also regret getting married and I’d still leave if I could.

For our counseling, our therapist was really good at cutting through the bullshit. There was no faking anything with her LOL We kinda plateaued and took a break for a while to really assess if it was working. At the time, I had a weird medical thing going on that looked like it was psychosomatic but during the break I figured out what it was and got the diagnosis confirmed. It changed a ton of stuff for us and after about a year we suddenly noticed we were much happier and had been implementing stuff from counseling. We actually tried to go back but sadly our therapist had passed away from cancer a few months after we last saw her.
I’m someone who does best living alone. I need a lot of alone time and I have no patience for adults who need to be treated like children when it comes to responsibilities outside of their job or career. And I will forever be bitter that I spent 13 years telling him stuff over and over only to have to start over after counseling and teach him like I never tried before. It’s great that he was finally willing to learn but bullshit that he couldn’t be bothered sooner. I have other resentments and I think everyone does after so long but some of mine are extreme and he has ruined once in a lifetime things for me and I just can’t forgive. I do my best to forget for my own sake but I do think that someday I’ll just up and leave. I’m inheriting everything when my father passes away and I dream of where I will go with that money.

Holy shit, it's like we're the same person, only I can't honestly say that my husband has made tremendous effort in anything. TBH, I think he's really used to not putting in any effort at all, and that's partly my fault. For the first ten years of our marriage, I did all the housework, cleaning, cooking, etc. He didn't have to do a thing. But as soon as I had health issues and couldn't keep up, I started asking him to help - not to actually clean the WHOLE bathroom, of course! Just to try to aim better when he's urinating, and if he misses, that's fine but take some toilet paper and clean it up. He was embarrassed and said he'd do it, and then he didn't.

I pointed out that we talked about this, but he was still peeing on the toilet rim and not cleaning it. Well, it wasn't his fault because he didn't see it. Okay, I asked him to take a Lysol cleaning wipe (kept on the back of the toilet tank) and just wipe around the rim once a week, whether he thought he needed to or not. He said he would (embarrassed, angry at me for "treating [him] like a child") and then didn't do it. I got angry and asked him why a grown man couldn't aim properly OR clean up his own urine and he got defensive and said he'd never cleaned a toilet and didn't know how! So somehow that absolved him of ever cleaning up after himself, and I was the meanie butt for humiliating him by telling him to clean up his own pee. More than a decade later and multiple fights, he will now clean the toilet every once in a while. That's nice and all, but that was a huge battle to fight to get a man to clean a toilet once a month or less, and I'm resentful as hell that he couldn't figure out how to do this earlier.

This is a grown man who has a fairly complicated, STEM-related job that he manages to do on his own, without my managerial oversight. It's just household stuff and relationship stuff where he's a helpless babe in the woods who cannot be blamed for his inability to solve basic problems like a dirty toilet. Like you, I find it really hard to forgive, especially when he's not, IMO, trying hard enough and simultaneously blaming me for being negative and not delivering this message in a gentler, more positive way or being patient enough for wait for another decade while he learns to be an adult and caring partner.

I hope you use your inheritance to give yourself some well-earned peace, space and quiet.

See a financial adviser. It might be best - if there's going to be anything left of your father's estate after elder care costs - to divorce now, so you don't have to split that money.

You have already made your decision, nonny, you're just working out how to do it. Good luck.

Yes, kind of. There are things in my future that might make things easier, but it's complicated and messy and not guaranteed. I just don't know if I can hold on that long.

This is not aimed at you specifically but I always think of these situations if the couple couldn't just break up, and continue to live together as room mates without getting a divorce.

The problem with this idea is that sometimes, the very thing that makes someone a less than ideal spouse would also make them a less than ideal roommate. Very few people want a roommate who doesn't clean up after themselves, for example. Even if both parties agreed to live responsibly as individuals, I for one would be kind of resentful because... why couldn't you learn to clean up after yourself and take care of the shopping/meal planning/cooking once in a while when we were together and that was a major bone of contention? Not to mention that if you live with someone who doesn't do any of those things, ever, how likely is it that they're going to suddenly start just because you're roommates?

Then there's the issue where you might not feel like a married couple, but the law sees it that way - how does that work out?

I'm sorry nonny. Wishing you all the best.

I've never been married or been in a long term relationship, but based off long term friendships I've had (and reflecting on my relationship with my elder siblings), when someone is comfortable with you in their life, they won't truly believe that you won't always be in their life/always there foe them until you are no longer there. When they literally do not have the ease of access to you.

It's a really difficult decision to make no matter which way you choose to go, but IMO choosing yourself first is what is best. I understand if there are other factors getting in the way, but I hope one day you can leave.
Or at the very least, have your husband be more considerate and helpful and supportive of you.

I'm sorry, I wish I could do more to help. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

Thank you. I think you're right... we've been married a long time, and he's used to me always being there, always doing things for him to the point where he takes it for granted. But it never occurs to him to do things to make MY life easier. He does the opposite, in fact, then gets petulant and/or defensive when I point that out. I think I've put up with far too much in this relationship, believing that being patient and forgiving his faults was something a good wife did. Unfortunately, I think all that did was teach him that he doesn't have to be thoughtful or careful, and that I'll always be there silently cleaning up his mess and never saying a word.

The way you write you already know your choice. Focus on your future - how minimize risks of you separating. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Yes, I know the feeling not wanting to burden your loved ones but you can rely on others. Talk with your friends, maybe we will have decent ideas. Talk with your community you can trust in. Mourn things but move on. And good luck

(also fuck your husband for doing shit when it mattered. I am angry for you. And not being able to aim? What is he? Fucking 5? That is disgusting)

Thank you. I think I'm in the mourning and trying to plan my exit strategy, because I wish he would be a more responsible, considerate partner but he's consistently demonstrated that he's not willing to put much effort into doing this.

And yes, you get it re: the aiming. It's just one tiny example of how I can't say anything about his behavior because no matter how discreet or understanding I tryto be, he gets soooooo hurt and offended, but... just clean up after yourself, then? He makes a big deal over how bad I make him feel, but somehow he doesn't feel bad about making me clean up his piss dribbles. We've fought over his personal hygiene issues before in the past, so this is an ongoing battle and I'm tired. It shouldn't be this hard to get a grown man to keep himself clean. There are a LOT of basic adult things that he ought to be doing on his own, but he needs near constant reminding and managing or he won't do it at all, and then he resents me for nagging.

It's easy for me, a stranger sitting at my computer with no skin in the game but empathy, to say it's time to cut the cord and get out. But like, imagine the future 5 years from now. Do you want to be living with this man? Even if he is desperate enough to put in the effort (...which I doubt, but you always hope for a miracle) you've already lost so much respect and affection for him. And could you ever rest easy knowing he could backslide the moment he felt secure?

Your child and finances complicate things, and I'd recommend talking to a lawyer asap. You deserve peace. You might have to wade through a year of shit to reach that peace but one day you will be done.

You're right. I've lost respect and affection for him because of his behavior and refusal to change. I resent when he acts like every little request to do things that I every day, on my own, without being asked is some huge imposition on him. I don't trust him not to backslide because of this. I guess I'm just trying to gather strength and courage to rip off the band-aid.

I believe in you!

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[ SECRET POST #6381 ]

Late night venting.

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