[ SECRET POST #6397 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #6397 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 09 secrets from Secret Submission Post #914.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

See imo this kinda thing feels more like a self-own wrt the social circles you put yourself in more than anything. Nothing against the cat lady lifestyle though, I too enjoy being single, having space and privacy (+cats) rules.

[(Anonymous)]

It's absolutely a self-own. The women I know who complain that all men are awful fall into three camps: they continuously pick assholes, never learning from prior experience; they don't tell the men they're with what they want or need, expecting them to figure it out through hints; or they freak out over minor shit (I'm thinking of that woman who said one of the reasons she divorced her husband is that he thinks brown is an acceptable bedsheet color).

It's a similar story with men who complain that all women are awful. "[Members of gender] suck" is one of the biggest red flags there is.

[(Anonymous)]

This sounds very victim-blamey.

[(Anonymous)]

DA

Because it is.

[(Anonymous)]

nayrt but self-reflection is not victim-blamey. It's just evaluating the situation and any patterns you may have fallen into.

If you're not remotely open to whatever role you might be playing in all of it (even subconsciously), how do you expect anything to get better?

[(Anonymous)]

Self-reflection is a good idea. But implying that the women who bring up issues like this with the men they've dated is all their own fault isn't, nor is that encouraging self-reflection and identifying harmful patterns. It's just victim blaming.

[(Anonymous)]

You need to re-read that post. That's not what the anon said at all.

If you have a pattern of dating the same type of guy who turns out to be a jerk, and all you conclude from that is that "all men must be jerks," then that is in fact an absence of self-reflection.

[(Anonymous)]

"Victim-blamey" is not quite the right word. "Downplaying of the hegemonic power disparity between women and men" is.

I'm recollecting the article I read about men who seriously perceive themselves as abuse victims when their spouses don't have dinner on the table or don't want to give them nooky.

[(Anonymous)]

"hegemonic"

Calm down

[(Anonymous)]

I mean sure, some women make poor choices for various reasons, and they have communication issues. But it's not that simple. I know plenty of women who dated guys who seemed good and fine initially, but it's easy to be on good terms in the honeymoon period of dating when everyone's trying their best and circumstances are good and nobody's been tested by a major life obstacle. Sometimes the red flags look like things that are fixable, and sometimes the real red flags don't pop up until there's some other big catalyst event. Sometimes a guy is sweet, loving and an awesome, funny dude... but he has this weird hang-up about washing his own butthole properly AND doesn't have the healthiest diet so his underwear constitute nasty biohazards. So does that lady divorce her amazing husband who's her bff because of poopy undies, or does she stick with it and try to convince him that fiber isn't the enemy and that he really needs to use soap, water and a dedicated downunder washcloth for a more thorough cleaning? What if he doesn't agree that skidmarks are a problem? BTW, she's pregnant with their first kid and he's super excited to be a dad.

Stuff like this happens. Life is messy, and relationships are messy and it's not always the sole fault of the person who complains about it.

[(Anonymous)]

I have no idea if that example is hypothetical or not, but being a grown adult incapable of proper hygiene is something I would not categorize as a minor issue. Especially a soon-to-be father? How does she expect him to clean up after the baby if he can't even clean up after himself? Is he just gonna swap out a diaper without doing anything else? Will he disagree on what constitutes a "full diaper"? Yikes.

[(Anonymous)]

It's hypothetical, but I've read a lot of advice columns and reddit posts and there's an alarming amount of women who write in looking for help on how to deal with a male partner who doesn't clean his own butt properly for whatever reason. Most of the time, they think it's just not necessary and that leaving poop stains on stuff is normal and their girlfriend/wife is overreacting and being ridiculous. Occasionally it's a weird thing, like they don't want to touch their own butthole because it's dirty in the figurative sense as well as the literal sense. A significant part of the problem is that it's incredibly embarrassing to be confronted with an accusation that your personal hygiene is subpar in a gross, disgusting way, so people get defensive about it and try to deny it or rationalize it or try to shoot the messenger.

I agree that for me, that would be a serious problem. But compared to other issues like domestic violence, cheating, having a major addiction, etc. etc. a dirty butt isn't quite so bad. And after all, it's minor in the sense that it can be addressed with 1) a better quality diet and 2) more thorough cleaning. You can't really say that about the other dealbreaker type problems in a relationship.

[(Anonymous)]

DA

How do you get to marriage with someone who doesn't wash his own asshole and think "this is fine" all along the way to get to that point??

[(Anonymous)]

For a lot of them, it's not even that they think cleaning their ass is dirty, it's that they think it's gay.