fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6509 ]

[ SECRET POST #6509 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6509 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jesus. I used to feel bad about the fact that I'll probably never get married but not now.

I apologize for that. I don't mean to get anyone down about relationships or marriage, just... to caution women in particular about who they choose to tie themselves to. I did a lot of things I regret now because I thought I was trying to be a supportive partner. Nothing crazy, just what I thought was taking care of him, making sure he never had to help out much with house chores because he had a full time job, never making a fuss about needing care, powering through any illnesses because I didn't want to be a burden, that kind of thing. None of that is toxic on its own, but what happened was that my husband got really accustomed to doing nothing for me, not worrying about my feelings or my needs, not cleaning up after himself at all, stuff like that. He somehow loves me, but forgets that I'm not a robot housekeeper/cook, or that I would like the occasional night off, or maybe there are times when *I* need emotional support for something. And because he's never been asked to do those things for me, he has no clue where to start, doesn't want to listen when I tell him what I need, and gets frustrated really easily because even the smallest considerations feel like a huge, impossible effort and he wants to go back to the days when I did everything, never needed him to do anything, and never held him accountable for his behavior.

Before we got married, I wanted someone who'd be my best friend, who'd listen and understand me, and who I could do those things for in return. I thought I'd found this person. I would've bet my LIFE that I had for the first few years of marriage, but one lay-off later things started to sour really quickly and I realized that he was never a good listener, he was just good at keeping quiet and nodding occasionally. I loved him so much I thought I'd die without him. I couldn't imagine not being together, he was my best friend. He said he felt the same way. All of our friends said we were perfect for each other.

Don't give up your financial independence. Always have a bank account that's ONLY in your name and ONLY accessible to you, and make sure it's got enough to afford you an escape route. Don't give up your friendships or support network outside of marriage. Don't depend on a man for your happiness. Don't spare him emotional OR physical labor just so you can do it all for him. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Lock down your birth control and make sure it can't be tampered with and know where to get a plan B. Do not even THINK about having children until he's demonstrated that he can take care of himself 100% without your help, AND that he can care for a dependent on his own. That's all I want out of this, for other women not to end up unhappy and bitter and trying to figure out how to get out of their marriage without blowing up their lives.

Blow up your life. Seriously. He HAS to provide for you guys. Grab your kid(s) and just go. If you can’t leave the house, at least retain the best divorce lawyer in your area before he gets the chance to book them. Either find a new place or let him scramble to find something for himself. The divorce proceedings will force him to be accountable and you get your freedom. You and your kid(s) deserve that.

I've thought about it. I'm just wary of how hard it'd be to do this by myself. My earning potential is much lower than his, I'd have to stay with family and I don't want to burden them. I don't know that I trust him NOT to make things difficult. Like not in a malicious, hateful way, but in what is 100% in-character for him: being late, lazy, stubborn, irresponsible, always trying to weasel out of doing what he ought to do and then whining and blaming me for it, etc. That freedom would come at a high cost.

The thing about doing it by yourself is that it will be hard, but it will get easier and better. The best you can hope for in your current situation is that you’ll eventually get numb to it.

Same. Even though I'm strictly heterosexual, I've never acted on my attraction towards men, and it used to make me feel sad, but now I realize I've been spared so much. Happy to die a virgin!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #6509 ]

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

Re: Venting thread- I've been struggling not to hate my husband.

DA