fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6753 ]

[ SECRET POST #6753 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6753 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Donkey Kong Bananza]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 13 secrets from Secret Submission Post #965.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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"But if I quit them I'm just going to find something else to sooth myself" -

this says to me that Fanfiction is not ruining your life. The lack of other sources of emotional fulfillment is hurting you, and fanfic is a symptom, not the cause.

Fuck, y'all. It's so damn hard in this world to build a whole-ass life. It takes time and nobody tells you how to do it.

I could have absolutely made this post 10 years ago. But the problem wasn't the fanfiction. The fanfiction wasn't preventing me from doing things to change my life. I was avoiding those decisions because they were huge and scary, and using fanfic to distract me downstream of the avoidance.

But in the last 10 years I have, somehow, changed my life. I went back to school (probably a mistake tbh, but at least it was motion), finally got antidepressants (absolutely not a mistake), started reading actual books again (not consistently, it comes and goes), and got a job in a field I found more fulfilling (pros and cons, but overall good).

I spend a lot less of my time reading fanfic, but I still read it and write it, and I've had some higher fanfic periods in that decade, and I probably will again. But I don't need it to numb me, because I've built up the muscles for taking more agency in my own life to fill it with things that give me a more varied diet of satisfaction. That's something that takes time, and support, and bumbling around for a while until you figure things out. And it takes you forgiving yourself for not being able to just switch it on like a lamp, because until you do forgive yourself for not having it figured out, the fear of knowing you don't have it figured out is gonna stay paralyzing.

Take a big deep breath. You can build a life that's full and good for you. You already know there's things you want and steps to take, which is huge! Don't beat yourself up for the fanfiction, or for the fear. Start with something small and simple, like "man, I wish I was the kind of person that went to [local event/museum]" or "I wish I was the kind of person who had X in their room". Go to the thing. Acquire or make the decoration. Walk to the park and see the flowers. Try the Dnd One-shot Night at your local comics store. You don't have to follow through on everything! You just have to try a few things. Prove to your scared rescue dog of a brain that you can change your habits up, exert some control over your surroundings, and the sky won't fall.

It's just like dieting - restriction just fucks you up more, but focusing on adding more healthy stuff that you like will help you feel better and be healthier. Built more sources of emotional satisfaction into your life and you will naturally reduce your fanfic consumption because you won't need to give it all your emotional energy. But you can't try to cut yourself off from it if you don't have anywhere else for that emotional energy to go yet. That will only teach you that trying to stop reading fanfic means pain.

(Re: already in therapy: assess if your therapist is a good fit for you or if you want to fire them and get another. assess if meds could help. talk about feeling addicted with them if you haven't! it's distressing you, and you deserve to be reassured by someone who understands your circumstances better than I, an internet stranger, do.)

Your situation won't get better all on it's own. But you don't have to know how to build everything right away. You sound like you're in your twenties (you sound exactly like me in my twenties), and I promise, as you take the baby steps and build those new muscles and get into your thirties, so much of the fear just melts away. I can't wait for my forties. Good luck, anon. I believe in you.

This is a good comment.

Obviously its not fanfiction that is the problem, it is the addiction. It is the same as when an alcoholic says alcohol is ruining their life.

Okay but alcohol is actually, physiologically poisonous & creates a strong and dangerous physical, chemical dependency. It's actually way, way better for anybody to be filling the void with fanfic instead of alcohol or other risky behaviors, and it's actually pretty irresponsible to conflate the two.

Nobody is going into withdrawal, vomiting, hallucinating, and possibly dying if they go cold turkey off fanfiction. No one is having blackouts impairing their judgement because of fanfiction. No one is maybe crashing their car on DUI and maybe killing people because of fanfiction. No one is robbing liquor stores to acquire fanfiction and going to jail. That's how alcohol (and other drugs) ruins lives. And EVEN IF THESE THINGS WERE EQUIVALENT, WHICH THEY AREN'T -

- everything we know about actual drug rehab says that this same advice, "you have to build up the other supports in your life you'll keep going back" is the most effective way to change.

Anons struggling with this should actually feel super proud that they've found a coping mechanism that does not do this kind of damage. That's going to give them way more breathing room to work on themselves. The coping mechanism isn't working for them any more because they need to start moving forward instead of just coping - but it's actually a pretty good coping mechanism. And addressing the root cause is still going to be the solution they need.

"you have to build up the other supports in your life OR you'll keep going back"

Secret OP and man, as a former alcoholic, THIS. Alcohol is another beast altogether. Reading fanfiction is "merely" behavioural addiction and is not comparable to substance addiction, even if IMHO they can be both quite harmful in the long run if used as coping mechanism.
But I'd like to point out that I actually feel more shame in addressing my addiction to fanfiction than alcohol. Simply because a lot of people are addicted to alcohol and it's an addictive substance to the brain/body, while fanfiction is like... ???? simply dopamine addiction, basically. You get way more support when you're trying to quit alcohol or a binge eating disorder, trust me. Nobody cares if you're addicted to books, but it's still quite harmful.
I think it's the same with people struggling with gaming or even phone addiction. A lot of people just don't believe it's a thing and it ruins a lot of people's life. (again, the root problem is elsewhere, sure, but the soothing/coping mechanism is under that form)
Even under my secret there is people saying "but reading fanfiction is not harmful itself" yeah man, I FUCKING KNOW. I could be ruining my liver right now. Sometimes I still wish I was, ahaha.

Also I'd like to point out here that some of the comments under my secret are actually quite dismissive? I know a lot of stuff about addiction, I know how to overcome it and I've done it with alcohol and other destructive behaviours I've had in the past and I'm in a way better place. Still, it's fucking hard. Fanfiction is like my final beast. I can't stop it. I successfully quit gaming and binge watching TV so now I do more of my hobbies, but I can't seem to cut out all the time I waste on fics.
And I'm in my middle 30s??? Why that other anon had to point out that they overcame their problems in their 20s and thus I should be in my 20s right now fucking depressed me. We all grow up in out own pace... Next time do us a favour and don't point any arbitrary "age bracket" out.

"Why that other anon had to point out that they overcame their problems in their 20s and thus I should be in my 20s right now fucking depressed me."

I'm the anon who mentioned quitting in my 20s, and my comment said nothing about how you "should" have too. I was responding in agreement and because I related to the anon who is currently struggling with this in their 40s. I think you're reading my comment in bad faith, ngl.

English is not my first language but [[You sound like you're in your twenties (you sound exactly like me in my twenties)]] reads like you imagine me being in my 20s. IMHO writing simply [[you sound exactly like me in my twenties]] would've come across better. In that case I wouldn't have taken it like an arbitrary age bracket, like a said, but simply as your experience.
Regardless to this, I regret writing the post above. I'm not in a good mental state ATM

I think there may be a misunderstanding. I (AYRT) wrote this reply: https://fandomsecrets.dreamwidth.org/3234551.html?thread=1142914807#cmt1142914807

Which is the other comment that mentioned their 20s. I read the comment where the "you sound like me in my 20s" and it's explicitly sympathetic and reassuring to you, so I don't see how that's dismissive. But even that comment didn't seem to be projecting an age onto you or saying you "should" be anything, just using "I was there in my 20s" as a way to relate to you.

Sorry, nonny! I was not talking about your post!!!

But IDK the anon writing "You sound like you're in your twenties (you sound exactly like me in my twenties), and I promise, as you take the baby steps and build those new muscles and get into your thirties, so much of the fear just melts away." is literally assuming I'm in my 20s (as in "I should be in my 20s") and that the fear will melt as I get in my 30s. How is that not the case? It's explicitly written right there!
While they are quite sympathetic and reassuring and I appreciate the overall post, that portion where they assume my age because of I problem I'm not currently able to overcome still unnerved me. I found it unintentionally patronising.
I just wanted to point out that "HEY please pay attention to that and please don't mention/project any arbitrary age bracket when talking about addiction (or other mental health problems) because it can actually hurt people. We are all on a different journey here." I could've worded it better for sure.

(and regarding of finding comment dismissive, it was not about that comment in particular.)

To dismiss psycological addiction as not as bad is insulting and ignorant.

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