fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6903 ]

[ SECRET POST #6903 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6903 ⌋

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I'll just leave this thread here for anyone who needs to vent about this topic, and will probably have more to say later.

If you had a great Thanksgiving and your family are lovely people, that's nice. Please try to find some compassion for those of us who aren't so fortunate.

My sister and I had a text exchange earlier.

Her mother-in-law invited extra guests to a Friendsgiving my brother-in-law and a coworker were throwing. MIL's husband and his kids kept talking about how opulent the house was. Her MIL also refused to show up to her side of the family's Thanksgiving even though I extended an invite (mostly just to be nice, I actually was hoping she wouldn't come).

My mom kept suggesting store fronts to create to give my youngest sibling a job. I've told my mom countless times before that any family owned operation my mom wants so much is mostly just going to end up being my responsibility even if my mom's intentions are good. She's coddled my siblings all their lives and my youngest sibling takes advantage of that. They're fairly capable but they know that if no one is going to push them to put in some effort to grow up they're just going to stay at home and play PC games.
I get stonewalled when I try to have an honest conversation with my youngest sibling. I try to say it with kindness and no judgment but they immediately start crying and grit their teeth until I leave.
It's not even my job to be their mom!!!
I'm just so sick of being my mom's mom and I hate how she keeps acting like I can I read her mind.
I don't want to live with my family anymore 😫 why can't I win the lotto so I can get a place of my own?

Ugh, man, I feel you, OP. I also have a rather immature parent who keeps trying to act like an authority figure while simultaneously requiring me to constantly manage their feelings and problems like I'm the parent instead.

Hope you get that winning lottery ticket. :(

Mine is not nearly as bad as some people, but it's a frustration point every single year.

My mom feels compelled to make a Thanksgiving dinner every year. Every year, she gets frustrated with it and thinks that the food came out badly (it never does), she doesn't have everything ready at the exact same time and is mad (no one minds), and she says she's not doing it again, and is in a towering bad mood. But every year, she still does it! She only accepts minimal help and gets weird about it when we try to do more. We have told her a thousand times that no one needs this, we are fine with a scaled back thing like just make something easy that everyone enjoys, WE CAN COOK AND LET HER JUST RELAX, but she INSISTS on doing the Thanksgiving meal and then being really pissy about it when things go wrong.

It has gotten to the point where I am genuinely considering planning some kind of trip out of town over Thanksgiving next year so I can avoid the entire shitshow, because I am so sick of it.

I have no sympathy for people who manufacture their own damn problems and then throw hissyfits because they created a big, stressful problem for themselves and refuse to take accountability for it.

You should totally plan a trip out of town and give yourself a break.

I agree that you should plan a getaway trip for the next Thanksgiving. You deserve a break from that nonsense.

I'm familiar with a matriarchal figure pulling the "I do everything for everyone and no appreciates it" thing. Found a lot of, "Yes, this show gets it," catharsis from watching season 2 episode 6 ("Fishes") of The Bear. I know it can be more triggering for some, so proceed with caution. But for me, I found it cathartic (though I can only handle it sometimes, my heart always breaks with Natalie asks for a hug after her mom freaked out on her).

My father is... well, great in many ways, but he's got a bully streak in him. I keep details of my personal life fairly superficial and brief because he has a bad habit of taking those details and using them as ammunition to make fun of me. Had a nice date with some guy? Ohhh, I'd better be grateful that a man was willing to date someone like me who could stand to lose a few pounds and was not that pretty. In the process of making some side gig money off a hobby to supplement my income? Tell me how much and you're probably terrible at it hahaha it'll never work, anyway how much money did you earn and if the dollar figure isn't high enough I'll tell you what a waste of time it is and don't quit your day job. Stuff like that. He thinks he's got a great sense of humor, and that anyone who objects to being personally insulted and belittled is too sensitive. He's also very surprised and angry that I'm reticent about what's going on in my life, because he NEEDS to KNOW and I'm being RUDE and UNGRATEFUL for not telling him everything!!!

Thanksgiving dinner (which I cooked, and he didn't bother to help OR wash dishes, but had plenty of criticisms couched as compliments like, "Oh, the turkey isn't as dry as last year!") was a shitshow and the rest of my trip home was tense as fuck. I got to talk with other, nicer relatives, but they're a little blind to his issues and think that as his daughter, I should just be patient and understanding because "he doesn't mean it like that". As if rude comments about my weight and appearance have a good interpretation, you know. Like an early anon, I'm thinking about skipping next Thanksgiving. And Christmas while I'm at it, though I will certainly hear about how antisocial and ungrateful I am for abandoning my family like that.

DA
I'm sorry your dad says that sort of stuff to you, even worse that you cooked dinner and cleaned and he has to say stuff to put you down. I fully support you taking time off next holiday for yourself. You deserve to live for yourself every now and then. Holidays don't always have to be centered around family. And who cares what the family says? Are they paying for your trip? Nope! Are they living your life? Nope!

Just because he "means well" and that you know your dad loves you doesn't mean hurtful words don't hurt. It also doesn't help that he knows that what he says and how he says it hurts your feelings but he would rather you "get over it" than you know, be considerate of you and your feelings and actually try to stop saying hurtful things. You've been "the better person" for long enough.
Your family can cry into their hands at how "selfish" you are for wanting to travel solo for your holidays, like...that stuff ain't your responsibility.

Honestly, the world puts so much onto wives/girlfriends and daughters. The default is to always put others before ourselves and if we dare put ourselves first, we are selfish and awful. The world isn't going to end just because you aren't around to make others lives easier, much as they whine that they need you to coddle them/be their punching bag.

I gotta say, your dad doesn't sound much like a great guy at all. When your own parent can't be happy for your accomplishments and small victories and instead keep tearing you down and acting like that's a hilarious joke... yeesh. With parents like that, who needs enemies? I wouldn't tell him much about my life, either. I'd probably avoid speaking to him as much as possible since he can't seem to help acting like an asshole to one of his own kids.

Your relatives might mean well, but they're full of it. It's not unusual for older relatives (even female ones) to still have a lot of internalized misogyny about how men should get to sit back and benefit from women's work, while making nasty, sexist comments. There's this sad mentality that women "need" to just roll over and let everyone else walk over them, or it's... bad somehow? I dunno, man. Like it's our job to be sooooo much better and more patient than men have to be or we're bad mothers/wives/daughters. Meanwhile, the bar for men is in hell.

You deserve your holidays off, doing what you like, resting if you want, having fun if you want, eating if you want, and not cleaning up after people who can't even be bothered to be nice to you. Don't let anyone tell you different.

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[ SECRET POST #6903 ]

Post-Thanksgiving parental bullshit.

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