[ SECRET POST #1293 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1293 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

<-- breeding woopers!

Secrets Left to Post: 16 pages, 383 secrets from Secret Submission Post #185.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - zombie poster ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe it's the other way around, anon is asexual and then becomes traumatized? I say this as an asexual, I've never been abused or anything, but our society makes such a big deal out of sex, and for those who don't "feel" it it's hard to understand, it's annoying honestly. How far does this drive go? I'm not saying that all-heterosexual-men-are-gonna-rape-us, or even try to get us in bed, just that it might be a possibility for some of them even if it hurts us. You know, like when a man leaves a woman pregnant and goes away... It's not understandable that they would hurt someone for sex because we don't get what's so great about it. What I'm trying to say is that the possibility exists, and even if it's very small, it's very scary too.
Anyway, I don't agree with OP because I have straight male friends who are nice and don't try anything, otherwise I know I would. Maybe it's the case for her?

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

This.

I'm also asexual, and as far as I know I have never been sexually abused, but I have had both male and female partners tell me that I react to flirting and physical contact as if I had been.

I do know, logically, that not every guy who's nice to me wants to bang me, and even guys who DO want to bang me are not going to just all of a sudden go all feral and ravish me like a bad romance novel just because we happen to be alone together. But part of being asexual, for me, is that I can't "read" sexual/romantic cues. I don't know when someone is flirting with me unless they are saying to me, directly, something that can be paraphrased as "I am attracted to you. I would like to have sex with you/pursue a relationship with you. How receptive are you to that idea?" It just... does not register. At all. I am deaf to the language of attraction.

But what makes this a really genuinely frightening problem is that I don't know when I'm doing it back. Like all independently functional humans, I have grown up into a functioning adult by imitating how people around me speak and act and behave towards other people. We pick up on things we're not consciously aware of and integrate them into how we act all the time -- that's how internet memes work, that's how people get a lot of their weird habits or cultural differences in behavior. For example, you'll hear the stereotype that Italians "speak with their hands." Whether it's true of ITALIANS or not, it's true of enough people in enough pockets of society that it is noted as a trait common to a group, not an individual. That is not a genetic trait -- that is something the children of individuals who communicate using a lot of gesturing observe their parents and other adults doing and, without realizing it, they begin to do it too. SO even though I am asexual and do not really "get" how flirting or seduction works, because sexuality is EVERYWHERE in the media, on TV, on billboards, in popular music, in both modern and classical art, EVERYWHERE... I know that I must be mimicking sexual cues to some degree because the way I cope in social situations is by behaving in whatever way I have learned that people in my society USUALLY behave. Except that most people learn to differentiate between all these unspoken subtleties and learn which ones to turn on or off depending on how they feel towards a person to whom they are attracted, or who is expressing attraction towards them. Human mating is a lot more complicated than it is in, say, lions, where the female pees on a tree and the male smells that they are in heat and goes and sticks it in her. We can't really do that, our pheromones are much too subtle to work as indicators of interest in a partner. So instead we have all these gestures, ways of dressing and acting, that send signals either directly to an interested party, or to anyone around them, saying "I am a hot single dude/chick/other. I am either looking for some action or signaling that I would not necessarily be disagreeable towards interest shown by other parties. Your appreciation is appreciated. Hubba hubba."

Yeah. I can't really do that, other than by purposefully copying very specific things so that me trying to flirt is like someone reading off a half-written script with only the most cliche and extreme actions described. My point is that the source of fear is the fact that although I may not WANT to be giving someone cues that I am receptive towards their attention and reciprocate their romantic/sexual interest, I may be doing so anyway. Leading someone on without realizing it.

I do know, logically, that it is PROBABLY not likely that I could somehow unintentionally lead someone on far enough that they would mistakenly determine that the mutually agreed upon course of action is "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE, WE MAKE THE SWEET SWEET MONKEY LOVE NOW." But that estimation of probability is based on a lot of assumptions. Without any ability to attain CERTAINTY that it could never happen, there is no way to completely be rid of that fear.

Same anon

[(Anonymous)]

Precisely all of that. This is why I'm so polite (almost awkward) when I'm with people I don't know well, too. I'm always worried about sending those signals unknowingly, so I keep a distance because I don't want to lead anyone accidentally and end up having to explain everything, you know, "sorry I'm really not interested in you or anyone like that but doesn't meanIdon'tlikeyoublahblahlongstory". And of course, the probability of not being heard may be low but it is there, and is disturbing all the same. (either way I lol'd at SWEET SWEET MONKEY LOVE)

Re: Same anon

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. I'm glad that wasn't completely confusing or way off from what you were trying to say. ^_^

Yeah, I'm awkward like that, too -- because I try to compensate for not knowing what sexual signals I'm sending by OVER-sending aggressive/bored/"snobby"/keepthefuckawayfromme signals. I swear to christ, sometimes I feel like taking the fucking metro is like having a 45-minute game of "pretend you are that one macho silverback gorilla in that documentary on the discovery channel and your job is to let anyone who sees you know that this is YOUR goddamn grassy knoll and you are seriously about to shank any bitches who try to get all up in your fruit tree and make some chill moves on your ladiez."




Apparently I have monkeys on my mind a lot tonight, wtf self. :P

[(Anonymous)]

I'm confused as to why you think this is an asexual problem. a lot of people have absolutely no idea how to flirt/what flirting on, regardless of their orientation. hell, I don't even know how to recognize flirting in people unless cheesy pick-up lines are used. and even if someone thinks you're into them? they ask you out, you say no, explain you don't feel that way, and it's fine. you don't even have to mention you're asexual. it's not like this doesn't happen to everyone at some point or another. they're not going to find out you're asexual and harass/rape you. this...honestly is a problem a lot of people have, not just asexuals. (also, asexuals can flirt--you don't need to have sex if you want to find a partner.)

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

I'm confused as to why you think this is an asexual problem.

Lack of information/evidence to the contrary.


it's not like this doesn't happen to everyone at some point or another. they're not going to find out you're asexual and harass/rape you.

I know that. I was just trying to dissect possible causes for the fear reaction.


(also, asexuals can flirt--you don't need to have sex if you want to find a partner.)

I know THAT, too -- I'm married. ;)

[(Anonymous)]

You make the mistake of assuming the antecedent.

'If a then b)' doesn't entail 'if b) then a).' Meaning, if asexuality comes with a set of problems, that doesn't automatically mean that this particular set of problems is always a result of asexuality. Like, all Belgians are Europeans, but not all Europeans are Belgians.

[(Anonymous)]

You might want to try lurking/hanging around some autistic-centered communities. The issues you describe with sexual/romantic social cues are a pretty common concern for women on the spectrum, so even if you aren't "one of us" the discussions on the topic might be helpful for you.