fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1293 ]

[ SECRET POST #1293 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1293 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Okay, you are not asexual. You are traumatized, and you need to go talk to a therapist about this immediately. Seriously, thinking that all heterosexual men are going to rape you is not normal.

Well, OP may still be asexual.

But they certainly do sound traumatized. And like a therapist is probably a good idea.

Maybe it's the other way around, anon is asexual and then becomes traumatized? I say this as an asexual, I've never been abused or anything, but our society makes such a big deal out of sex, and for those who don't "feel" it it's hard to understand, it's annoying honestly. How far does this drive go? I'm not saying that all-heterosexual-men-are-gonna-rape-us, or even try to get us in bed, just that it might be a possibility for some of them even if it hurts us. You know, like when a man leaves a woman pregnant and goes away... It's not understandable that they would hurt someone for sex because we don't get what's so great about it. What I'm trying to say is that the possibility exists, and even if it's very small, it's very scary too.
Anyway, I don't agree with OP because I have straight male friends who are nice and don't try anything, otherwise I know I would. Maybe it's the case for her?

This.

I'm also asexual, and as far as I know I have never been sexually abused, but I have had both male and female partners tell me that I react to flirting and physical contact as if I had been.

I do know, logically, that not every guy who's nice to me wants to bang me, and even guys who DO want to bang me are not going to just all of a sudden go all feral and ravish me like a bad romance novel just because we happen to be alone together. But part of being asexual, for me, is that I can't "read" sexual/romantic cues. I don't know when someone is flirting with me unless they are saying to me, directly, something that can be paraphrased as "I am attracted to you. I would like to have sex with you/pursue a relationship with you. How receptive are you to that idea?" It just... does not register. At all. I am deaf to the language of attraction.

But what makes this a really genuinely frightening problem is that I don't know when I'm doing it back. Like all independently functional humans, I have grown up into a functioning adult by imitating how people around me speak and act and behave towards other people. We pick up on things we're not consciously aware of and integrate them into how we act all the time -- that's how internet memes work, that's how people get a lot of their weird habits or cultural differences in behavior. For example, you'll hear the stereotype that Italians "speak with their hands." Whether it's true of ITALIANS or not, it's true of enough people in enough pockets of society that it is noted as a trait common to a group, not an individual. That is not a genetic trait -- that is something the children of individuals who communicate using a lot of gesturing observe their parents and other adults doing and, without realizing it, they begin to do it too. SO even though I am asexual and do not really "get" how flirting or seduction works, because sexuality is EVERYWHERE in the media, on TV, on billboards, in popular music, in both modern and classical art, EVERYWHERE... I know that I must be mimicking sexual cues to some degree because the way I cope in social situations is by behaving in whatever way I have learned that people in my society USUALLY behave. Except that most people learn to differentiate between all these unspoken subtleties and learn which ones to turn on or off depending on how they feel towards a person to whom they are attracted, or who is expressing attraction towards them. Human mating is a lot more complicated than it is in, say, lions, where the female pees on a tree and the male smells that they are in heat and goes and sticks it in her. We can't really do that, our pheromones are much too subtle to work as indicators of interest in a partner. So instead we have all these gestures, ways of dressing and acting, that send signals either directly to an interested party, or to anyone around them, saying "I am a hot single dude/chick/other. I am either looking for some action or signaling that I would not necessarily be disagreeable towards interest shown by other parties. Your appreciation is appreciated. Hubba hubba."

Yeah. I can't really do that, other than by purposefully copying very specific things so that me trying to flirt is like someone reading off a half-written script with only the most cliche and extreme actions described. My point is that the source of fear is the fact that although I may not WANT to be giving someone cues that I am receptive towards their attention and reciprocate their romantic/sexual interest, I may be doing so anyway. Leading someone on without realizing it.

I do know, logically, that it is PROBABLY not likely that I could somehow unintentionally lead someone on far enough that they would mistakenly determine that the mutually agreed upon course of action is "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE, WE MAKE THE SWEET SWEET MONKEY LOVE NOW." But that estimation of probability is based on a lot of assumptions. Without any ability to attain CERTAINTY that it could never happen, there is no way to completely be rid of that fear.

Precisely all of that. This is why I'm so polite (almost awkward) when I'm with people I don't know well, too. I'm always worried about sending those signals unknowingly, so I keep a distance because I don't want to lead anyone accidentally and end up having to explain everything, you know, "sorry I'm really not interested in you or anyone like that but doesn't meanIdon'tlikeyoublahblahlongstory". And of course, the probability of not being heard may be low but it is there, and is disturbing all the same. (either way I lol'd at SWEET SWEET MONKEY LOVE)

Oh, good. I'm glad that wasn't completely confusing or way off from what you were trying to say. ^_^

Yeah, I'm awkward like that, too -- because I try to compensate for not knowing what sexual signals I'm sending by OVER-sending aggressive/bored/"snobby"/keepthefuckawayfromme signals. I swear to christ, sometimes I feel like taking the fucking metro is like having a 45-minute game of "pretend you are that one macho silverback gorilla in that documentary on the discovery channel and your job is to let anyone who sees you know that this is YOUR goddamn grassy knoll and you are seriously about to shank any bitches who try to get all up in your fruit tree and make some chill moves on your ladiez."

Apparently I have monkeys on my mind a lot tonight, wtf self. :P

I'm confused as to why you think this is an asexual problem. a lot of people have absolutely no idea how to flirt/what flirting on, regardless of their orientation. hell, I don't even know how to recognize flirting in people unless cheesy pick-up lines are used. and even if someone thinks you're into them? they ask you out, you say no, explain you don't feel that way, and it's fine. you don't even have to mention you're asexual. it's not like this doesn't happen to everyone at some point or another. they're not going to find out you're asexual and harass/rape you. this...honestly is a problem a lot of people have, not just asexuals. (also, asexuals can flirt--you don't need to have sex if you want to find a partner.)

I'm confused as to why you think this is an asexual problem.

Lack of information/evidence to the contrary.

it's not like this doesn't happen to everyone at some point or another. they're not going to find out you're asexual and harass/rape you.

I know that. I was just trying to dissect possible causes for the fear reaction.

(also, asexuals can flirt--you don't need to have sex if you want to find a partner.)

I know THAT, too -- I'm married. ;)

You make the mistake of assuming the antecedent.

'If a then b)' doesn't entail 'if b) then a).' Meaning, if asexuality comes with a set of problems, that doesn't automatically mean that this particular set of problems is always a result of asexuality. Like, all Belgians are Europeans, but not all Europeans are Belgians.

You might want to try lurking/hanging around some autistic-centered communities. The issues you describe with sexual/romantic social cues are a pretty common concern for women on the spectrum, so even if you aren't "one of us" the discussions on the topic might be helpful for you.

How is it abnormal? It's true.

lol wat

If you can't see how a man, any man, in a society where rape is celebrated and fetishized, in a culture where male privilege extends over a woman's right to her own body, could be inclined to rape someone, then you must be blind.

Why I myself was raped 7 times just this morning trying to walk to and from the corner store.

You fucking idiot.

of course you werent raped. you sound like a man, so you did the raping.

or maybe you're just a dumb ass little miss female sexist pig ^^

for real!

Seriously, thinking that all heterosexual men are going to rape you is not normal.

Well, I don't know about that. (NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING ALL HETEROSEXUAL MEN, OR ALL MEN IN GENERAL, ARE RAPISTS.) A lot of people teach their daughters to always be wary of all men at all times because they could potentially be rapists. So I can understand where that fear would come from.

That said, if someone has a genuine phobia of men then yes, talking to a therapist may help.

This. My mom is always going on about stuff I should not do if there's a man around in case he molests or rapes me (if you have a drink, watch it to make sure he doesn't stick drugs in! If you're on a bus, don't take the window seat in case some man sits next to you and gropes you and you can't escape! If you see a guy in a lift, wait for the next lift to come, don't go in alone with him! If there's a man walking behind you, slow down to let him pass in case he attacks you from behind!) etc.

It makes me paranoid to the extent I get suspicious of my male friends. I wish it didn't and that I could trust them because they seem like genuinely nice people, but then I hear about people who got raped by their friends or family members whom they thought they could trust, and that doesn't help.

I also don't know how heterosexual people react to the opposite sex, and it makes me uneasy that they might look at me and think of me in a sexual manner and want to do something about it. I got groped by a stranger once (though the paranoia preceded that) and it just reinforced the fears.

It really sounds like your mom has screwed you up. I really suggest going to a therapist, because a lot of your fears really are completely groundless.

As for what sexual (I'm gay, see) people think when they see someone who's attractive to them? "Wow, that person is really good looking, and kinda hot! Maybe I should try talking to them, see if they like me back." Of course there are people who are more violent, but they're not common by any means. You'll miss a lot in life if you spend all your time worried about what MIGHT happen. Stay somewhat safe, of course. Don't leave your drink laying around, don't walk down dark alleys at night, but as long as you keep your mind about you, then it's likely you'll be fine. You'll have a much better time going out and living instead of waiting for the next man-free elevator.

I want to, so much, but then there's that what-if: what if something does happen, and people go if you hadn't done this and this or taken that precaution then you wouldn't have been raped.

Because I see that happening all the time: people saying things like "if she was wearing that miniskirt she was obviously asking for it" or "if she was all alone with a man in a room what did she expect" and so on. And then I might end up wondering what I could have done differently, like taking a longer, safer path instead of some dodgy short-cut down an alley while walking with a male friend, and the guilt and regret would never end thinking that I could have avoided it if only I had listened to the people who told me to be careful.

Those people who say that she was asking for it are ignorant motherfuckers. Some women who wear miniskirts get raped. More don't. Some women who are alone in rooms with men get raped. More don't. There's nothing you can really do to prevent yourself from ever getting raped. Women in burkas who have never left their homes get raped.

People who aren't as scared as you still get scared some times. As a single young women with very little ability to defend herself, do I sometimes get scared walking alone in the city at night? Yes I do. But you need to understand that your fears have gone beyond the rational and have become debilitating.

I really hope you can some day get over your phobia OP. Relationships with men, all nonsexual in my case, can be some of the more fulfilling in life, and I hope that one day you'll have an opportunity to have a really, really, great guy somewhere in your life. ^_^

the "she was asking for it" people are misogynist scum. Don't listen to them.

There is nothing wrong with keeping yourself aware of your surroundings. Don't leave your drink where you can't see it at parties. Don't let dudes you barely know into your apartment after a date or whatever. Don't wear headphones if you're walking alone (this is helping protect you from mugging as much as rape and hopefully you'll never have anything come of this other than being bored on your way home).

But you can't let it take over your entire life. :\ Seriously, counseling will probably do wonders for you.

Well, what your mom said has obviously affected you in a very negative way. You really need to seek some counselling to get past this, seriously. You're missing out on so many wonderful friendships, OP.

I'm very definitely heterosexual, though, so maybe that's why all the WATCH YOUR DRINK stuff (my mom was raped when she was younger, I think that's why she was like that with me) did make me a bit sucky on the 'trust issues' thing, but I still have plenty of male friends and date guys.

The vast, VAST majority of heterosexual people don't just leap on people they're attracted to. It's preferable when it's a MUTUAL thing. If someone hits on you and you're not into it, do what most hetero girls do: say you have a boyfriend and walk away. There are some gropers here and there in the world, but they are not the norm.

Hell, I once got groped by a chikan in Japan, as soon as I cried out my 4 straight, Japanese male friends ran off after him, grabbed him, dragged him back and forced him to apologize. Not because one of them liked me, but because the groper was a jerk and I was their friend.

I really, really recommend therapy. You are missing out on so much of the world from this.

Yep, my mother did this with me any my sister. My mother's constant reminders that all men who don't ignore you completely want to forcefully impregnate you and then abandon you with an unwanted baby and a ruined life were the only "birds and bees" education we ever got from either parent.

It's tempting to blame that kind of indoctrination, but it's such an individual thing... with me, it's entirely possible that some of my issues with sex and with men may stem from that. But my sister has no such issues. So there's got to be more to it than that.

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[ SECRET POST #1293 ]

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oh god, your mom was kinda like mine.

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